Avoiding gender and sexuality 'norms'

[sunshine_sieben]

Hi,
I understand what you mean, Ren. I have a DD and although she does wear girly things, I am glad when she is a little tomboy-ish. She does love dolls. But she also loves cars and soccer balls. She kicks them thrugh the house. When it comes to climbing, she's as tough as they come, keeping up with boys muhc older than her. And she's only 13 months old. I love that.
I also love that she can be tender and loving.
In my opinion, at this age there aren't all that many differences between boys and girls yet. But when she grows up, I think I will see more of it. There are also lots of differences between girls and girls or boys and boys.
I want her to be her, I don't want her to feel like she has to conform to what others think about her.

My personal pet peeve is something else: body image and food (especially because she is a girl). I have myself suffered from eating disorders for almost a decade, and I am hellbent on breaking the cycle (she denies it, but my mum has issues with body image herself and I don't call what she does a "healthy relationship with food). So it really gets to me when people make stupid comments about little kids. DD is actually on the skinny side (90th percentile in height, but 70th percentile in weight I think). But when she recently had a bit of a growth spurt, my FIL said to her: "Gee, you're getting fat" WTF? I lamost blew my top! Funny thing is, he's very overweight.

Actually, I think there is a thread in this :-) Might have to start one of my own rather than hijacking yours.

Unfortunately you can't control what everybody around you does and your children are going to be exposed to these things. All you can do is to foster their independence and self confidence so that they feel free to disregard outside pressures that they dislike. It sounds like you're doing a great job at this.

All the best, Saša

[sunshine_sieben]

Oh, and DD also often wears unisex clothes. I used to HATE pink and used to swear if I ever had a daughter that I wouldn't dress her in pink. But unfortunately it really suits her ;-) Pale skin, blue eyes, blonde hair... So I have made my peace with this colour and she has a few pink things now.

She also often wears blue (and all other colours) and people often refer to her as a little boy. But then again, she can be wearing pink pants and some people still say "he". It doesn't bother me, though.

And DD regularly pashes another girl. I just think it's cute and if anyone would dare to make a comment that implied that anything sexual was going on there, I would bite their head off!

Saša

[mrsmac]

After having 2 girls I had a boy and it has constantly made me laugh how "boyishly" he plays with their things. When he was about 11 months he grabbed DD2 dolls parm and immerdiately turned it over to see how the wheels worked. He is just one of those boys that likes taking things apart and building things or playing with things with wheels. When he was smaller the main toys he had access to were his sisters and he still played with them in a completely different way to her. Now he is drawn towards cars and trucks and Thomas stuff. We have never pushed him into gender specific toys its just what he has chosen.
I really think a lot of it is ingrained in their personality regardless of how we treat them.

[Lulu]

Aw Ren- don't worry. Those sorts of comments are more 'fluff talk" than serious. You know like " so when are you having another one?" whilst you are still in the maternity ward.

Have a look around yourself. Look at all the types of roles your son will be exposed to while he is so young. He will see mummies that work, mummies that stay at home, daddies that change nappies, partners with differing skin colours, women in politics and heads of corporations, and men that hold hands like his mum and dad.
If and when he sees this stuff it becomes the norm, not unusual. Imagine if right now was the 1950's???? Strict gender roles and sexuality rules, no choice at all.

I heartily agree with recognizing and celebrating the differences with gender - kids have more interesting things to do than care about the colour tshirt they are wearing!

[Sammiejane]

And DD regularly pashes another girl. I just think it's cute and if anyone would dare to make a comment that implied that anything sexual was going on there, I would bite their head off!

Sa?a

on that point...
growing up we use to play boyfriend/girlfriend games, there was no male playing the boy, it was a girl, so as a young kid i frequently pashed girls, it had no baring on my sexuality, it was just a game and i persoanaly think there was nothing wrong with it

[leebee81]

The one that annoys me is the fact that its just assumed that all boys like cars/trucks/planes and camo (meh, I hate camo). Can we get some variety in boys clothing please? On the up side, boys do seem to get a variety of colours unlike the wall-to-wall pink for girls.

[sunshine_sieben]

So true, it's hard to avoid pink for girls. But I guess it's always an option to go into the boys aisle and buy some boys' clothes for a girl. A bit weird doing it the other way around, though... But each to their own

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Actually, I really hate the fact that boys are "cheeky" or "naughty" on all their clothes! I refuse to buy those or put DS in them when they are bought for him. I don't mind cars so much. Most of DS's clothes are plain or stripy, there are some with logos but usually just something like a teddy in a hot air balloon or words like "Little Man" or (my favourite) "My Mummy Is Yummy".

There are some really pretty green dresses for girls this spring, btw, OK so a bit floral but springlike in green and white. Just as I won't buy "naughty" for DS (he isn't, he's a very good young man) I won't buy "princess" or likewise for a girl. Fair enough, Mama may be a Lady but she isn't a princess! "Just" a very beautiful, special and loved young girl.

[paradise lost]

DD is alternating just now between her 2 fave t-shirts. One is deep blue, and has a monkey hanging from a "Welcome to Las Vegas" sign on it (from a charity shop). The other is black and says "Detroit Rock City" on it in silver (from her American Godmother). She has lots of pink hand-me-downs from other little girls, and a bunch of blue hand-me-downs from little boys. I tend to put whatever she wants on her, though i often don't put skirts or dresses on because i don't like that in the meitai or the buggy there's always something between her legs (my back/the crotch strap part of the harness) which pushes the skirt up and leaves her legs bare/in just tights.

I generally just let her do whatever she wants. She's obviously like mummy (bit male-brained/engineery) as she loves cars and trains and so on, but she also has a babydoll she'll BF and will put all of her toys "to bed" each on their own (unused, nicked from my packet grrr) baby wipe

I suppose DD will grow up modelling my behaviour because that's what she sees most, but there's bits of her which are very unlike me already - she can sing, i'm tone deaf - and i just let her be.

I find girls clothes desperately boring, because 90% of what you see on the rails is utterly impractical for a child that wants to be SURE how mud feels when you lie in it....

Bx