Willow i have read a great deal on child development and as such i know where my limits are and WHY i'm doing what i do with DD. For me that is the key to me feeling like a good parent. What i do might not beget immediate or visible results, but i know WHY i'm doing them. I don't smack because i don't believe for normal children it is helpful. I do however know that rough handling can actually HELP some children with certain handicaps because it helps their brain to re-connect to the body (i'm not talking about beating, i'm talking about the sort of action one would employ on the back of a choking child).
Parenting is a very individual set of challenges. What works for one child really WON'T work for them all. I had a friend staying this past weekend and her 2 year old is SO different to mine. Our parenting styles are similar. Our children are not.
"Gentle" is subjective. To me it is not gentle to give a newborn who is trying to sleep eye contact, but others have obviously found within their families it works great and everyone is happy. To me it is not gentle to provide no routine to a child's day because it doesn't allow them to feel secure in their rythmn, but for some families it works. I know people who won't let their kids choose which clothes to wear and people who let their kid play xbox all day at "homeschool" because "it's their life" even when the child is 8 years old! What's good for one is not good for all. The same can be said of so many of the choices parents are forced to make every day.
Do you know my DP often doesn't give me eye contact in bed. When we are physically close like that just one look into my eyes tips him over the edge and "it's all over". His avoidance of my loving, passionate gaze is the biggest compliment he could pay me. Love is shown in many ways. The way the love is shown is not a useful measure for an outsider to guage how much love is there.
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