Countering the "rod-for-your-own-backers"

[Snowy Love]

What do you tell yourself when the "rod-for-your-own-backers" get in your ear? I'm perfectly happy with my parenting choices and then someone says something and a doubt forms for a little while until I can drive it away reminding myself why I've made those choices.

For example:

Co-sleeping: I get to comfort DS as soon as he needs it, I get more sleep, I don't have to get up in the cold, its so sweet when DH has fallen asleep with DS before I come to bed and they're snuggled up together, we get more cuddles.

Not doing CC: Its better for DS mental health, DS knows he's important and if he needs comfort he'll get it, Its better for my mental health.

Demand b/feeding: DS can regulate what he eats, I can provide comfort to DS quickly, when he's sick (as he is now ) he can have more bf's, we both enjoy bfing so why stop.

What are your affirmations?

[Jennifer13]

I try to look surprised. "Really? DD is a wonderful sleeper/feeder/settler." I react as though it would be unthinkable and unnatural to do it any other way!

And it depends on the comment.

"Are you still breastfeeding?" - Of course, DD has three bfs a day. We love it! Plenty of babies have a bottle at this stage, why wouldn't I let her bf?
"You let her sleep with you?" - Whenever she's unhappy. Usually it's when she's sick or has had a nightmare. I feel so sorry for her, all alone in the dark. After all, I never sleep alone!

I would never let my child cry repeatedly to 'train' her to sleep. My comment is usually that I've always responded to her cries quickly and she's very good at settling herself. It helps to build their confidence if you don't let them cry.

But to be honest, most of the comments from the rod-for-your-back ppl came in the early days when these things came up. There's no defence like a very happy, healthy and confident child who's running around, eating and sleeping well on the whole!

[Karina]

Oh I get the "rod for your back" comment because we dont do CC... I just smile and say "oh well".
I did used to tell the person my reasons for doing it my way, but you know what people can be like with thos sort of thing.. its their way or no way!

Anyway, In my head I am just saying basically the same thing as you.. Its betterfor our mental health and I feel a whole lot better doing it my way.

I havent told anyone we co-sleep. I cant be bothererd having to listen to the negative comments I know I'll get, so I just dont say anything at all. We like co-sleeping and its our decision and we're happy to do it. She sleeps just fine during the day in her cot so thats not a problem.

Demand breastfeeding... yeah i still get "oh youre STILL feeding her THAT OFTEN????" I just think well yeah, I eat that often so why cant she?

[christy]

When I had Matilda, I often listened to them & would wind up a mess.

With Jovie, I answer back. WHAT?? You let your child scream?? Why would you do something like that? What rod?? Who has the rod?? I certainly don't expect her to be sleeping in my bed, breastfeeding at the age of 15, so what is the problem?

[Boo Boo]

So over people and their cc, co-sleeping, etc, etc opinions. Yeah sure people can have their opinions but don't start trying to influence other mums, especially when they may be new and might not have that much confidence in what they are doing yet, like I was a few months ago and believed everything that someone said. Now with a bit more knowledge up my sleeve I laugh quietly away inside to myself when they start their rant. I feel like saying (but don't but might start doing so) "Okay and your with my baby 24 hours a day so you know exactly what she needs/wants?" - always gotta believe in yourself.

Laurin

[Lucy]

To any critics of my parenting style (particularly in relation to hammocks/no cc/baby wearing, I just say "Call me an earth mother hippy if you want.........it works for us!"

[Phteven]

I'm quite non-confrontational so I usually just smile and nod and totally ignore thier advice. Or I just say "I'll take that into consideration", once people hear that line a few times they come to understand that what I really mean is "I'm going to ignore that completely".
It works for me, I haven't heard any unsolicited advice in ages lol.

[kitten2b]

I get it from my Aunties and surprisingly a man at work but his wife told me to ignore him.

[mrscricket]

As a new mum i find it amazing how many people are quick to tell you off for doing certain things such as co-sleeping and how you are ruining your baby, and then say 'we did that and we certainly regretted it when we couldn't get the baby out of our bed'.
Well YOU did it, why can't i!!

[Phteven]

So are thier babies are still in thier beds?

[Trillian]

Sometimes I wish I could say "I'll tell you where you can put your rod..." The way I see it, it's my back and my rod and I will do with it what I want. I've been lucky I guess that I haven't ever had much trouble with people offering 'advice' but the biggest one was about letting them cry - whether it be for sleep or just crying in general and I'd get the 'no one ever died from crying' - pfft to them - who wants to prove that one right?

[MeredithD]

I can switch off and ignore it most of the time but I do find myself making up excuses for co-sleeping, BFing overnight etc. Then I get angry with myself for doing so - Why should I make up ANY excuse? Most of my choices are just that -CHOICES i've made because I won't let my baby cry and I actually enjoy having him close at night.
The trouble in our family is that my DH is not so good at ignoring the comments. He is constantly getting people at work telling him to do this or not do that. I just wish he wouldn't' tell them so much especially about our sleeping arrangements. I'm sure he doesn't tell them how to raise THEIR children.
Funny isn't it, how so many people just can't wait to give you an opinion on childrearing. I think it often comes from those who feel they need to justify their own choices. Those who advocate CC will often tell you how awful it was to hear their baby crying for hours and hours but that it didn't do any harm and that is really what everyone should do.Because of course, sleeping with your baby or comforting them many times overnight is just WRONG... isn't it? . In other words, "if everyone does it (cc etc) then I won't feel so bad".
Anyway, I could go on and on about this topic sometimes. i just tend to tell people now that I am doing what is right for ME and MY baby.

[Janie]

Oh Meredith I hear you! I think you are so right, people feel like they have to justify the choices they have made, even if it was 25 years ago!

I wish I had the nerve to tell people that I think it's awful to leave a baby to cry. Why are we made to feel bad for comforting our babies? I mean, what's so wrong with that? As it is, I don't really discuss any of our arrangements with anyone......I just don't want to have to deal with the rod-for-your-own-backers. If I had more guts though, I would happily share.

Funnily enough, I am happy to proclaim my right to BF anywhere and everywhere, and have no problem with telling people about the BFing road we are travelling......I have a response for all of their comments. But it's the sleep stuff and cc stuff that I'm a coward about. I wonder why that is........?

[BellyBelly]

As you have probably read, I am reading and loving 'The Science of Parenting' by Margot Sunderland. So when I saw this thread, immediately I thought to myself that I would reply, 'Well science actually now says that this is the best, healthiest way to respond to my baby.'

I really, really recommend the book, helps with confidence and with what to say :P

[Lulu]

I just tell people I co-sleep, still breastfeed etc etc because I'm lazy. It seems to satisfy the self-important so and so's and it's true.....

[Ozziehoffy]

I certainly don't expect her to be sleeping in my bed, breastfeeding at the age of 15, so what is the problem?

PMSL Christy!! How right you are!!

I also get people looking shocked when I say I'm still BF and he's only not quite 5 months old yet!! He looooooves it and I love when he stops, looks up at me and grins then goes back to business.... I mean, hell who wouldn't love that?? You do what is best for you and your bubba! You're doing great

[BellyBelly]

Yep when they are 15 you will be worrying about WHOSE bed they are in! Can't win!

[Liz]

Oh I'll join the lazy camp! LOL. I can't be stuffed pacing the halls trying to make my baby sleep when I can stick him on the boob, feed him to sleep, then have him sleep with us all night!

I usually go with the shocked reaction too.. why would we do things any differently??? We actually have had a variety of sleeping, be it in the cot, with us, or part-time with us.. we just do whatever works whenever it works. LOL. It's made DS a very flexible sleeper actually - will go off to sleep anywhere and quite quickly!

I found most comments were in the early days as a new mum, and especially mum to be. You get the condescending roll of the eyes whenever you say you're planning to use cloth nappies, or you're not going to use drugs during labour, or whatever. It's the whole "oh you don't know what it's like until the baby comes... you'll be too tired.. blah blah blah". I'm soooo careful when I talk to new pg mums and young girls now how I talk about labour & newborns I'm sure a couple of teenage girls I was talking to the other week are now gonna be cloth nappy, breastfeeding mummas, not afraid of a bit of labour pain!

But now that I've got legs to stand on, ya know - proof is in the pudding! people don't question or advise so much these days. We get a lot of raised eyebrows (like with b/f whilst pg) - but hey - they can't really pick fault with how healthy & happy DS is, and how happy we are either.

So are thier babies are still in thier beds?

Actually, my bro has a 10yr old & 6yr old, and yep - still in their bed a lot of the time LOL.