i too have a headstrong little munchkin, and i too made the decision before i got her that i wasn't going to smack.

Let me first reassure you of one of the facts that probably led to your decision not to smack - for the defiant child it is no more likely to work than any other method. I have once lost it and smacked DD on the hand, and the result was that she chucked and even more massive fit and unlike usually i was completely unable to calm her down, even after a long time, because she was so hurt by my hitting her. It made me feel like crap and it didn't help us one single bit.

What to do instead? Well, that depends on the kid and the family, and i can only tell you what i do.

Stage one for misbehaviour is deflection/redirection. When naughtiness begins i try to nip it quickly in the bud and prevent it escalating. For example today DD wanted us to get up (we were trying to have our holy sunday lie in, which is only ever until 9am at BEST anyway) and began dragging the bedclothes off the bed. Quickly i asked her to open our curtains (also a dragging motion and i wanted it doing anyway) and she did so and in doing so she forgot about the bedclothes.

Stage 2 is playful reproach. Over breakfast she began chucking her muffin about and when i asked her to try to keep it on the plate she refused and threw it harder. I picked up her bedtime toy (which goes everywhere with her) and said in a special voice reserved for him (about 4 of her toys have personas with their own voices, catchphrases and stories lol) "DD don't you know, if you want to grow up big and strong you have to eat your muffin up and not throw it around" and she replied "Yes" and began eating it.

Stage 3 is stern reproach - if the toys don't work, and they do about 80% of the time, i will give her what i think of as "the look" and say sternly "DD, if you throw that again i will take it away" and if she does i do. I might later give her a banana if she's starving from no breakfast, but i will not return the removed item, no matter what, and i ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS do what i say i'm going to, no matter how inconvenient it might feel to me at the time.

Stage 4 is a time out. I sit her on the bottom step of the stairs - i used to send her to a specific chair in her room - wherever it is she needs to be able to hear what is going on but not access it - i am putting her beyond the fun and comfort of family life to remind her that it's a privilege and not a right - that sounds way harsh but i've given her time outs about once a month at most - she hates it and it's my back line. The thing about time out is that you HAVE to make it stick - if he won't sit on the chair you sit right by him and if need be physically hold him there, withdraw eye contact and "ignore" him for his duration. You have to let him know you're serious and that there's no option, you're not asking if he wants a time out when you say "go to the naughty chair" - like anything else it only works if you're consistent. If it's a real problem sitting with him then choose a naughty-chair like a highchair that you can strap him into. He will learn to respect the chair in time, but he needs to learn it's not optional first.

I know it's hard and you have little miss to look after too but this will not be fixed until you fix it, and it's probably going to be very labour intensive to begin with - discipline is hard for ANY of us to take and the smarter and more strong-minded the child the harder it is for them to take it. Try to think not of the time you're spending when sitting with him to enforce a time out or wrangle through the mouth of a toy or think of a task he CAN do, think rather of the time later, at the shops, in the library, in any of the many places which with a naughty child are a nightmare and with a sweet child a joy - you get your work back, i promise!

For the things you mentioned - if DD runs from me she has to hold my hand or sit in the stroller. If she won't stay in it she is strapped into it. I do not argue with her- she is 2. She is very entitled to her opinion, to express it by screaming too, but that doesn't change what has to happen or change the rules for her. I WILL and HAVE done a whole shop with her screaming and screaming and screaming all the way because she ran off and had to be put in the buggy. When she does it i always tell her before putting her in the buggy what's happening and why "Mama is putting you in the buggy now DD, because if you run away from me i don't know if i can trust you, and if i can't trust you i can't let you walk". Yeah, she freaks out, but she still has to go in the buggy.

As a final note, try really hard to let go of what other people think. 90% of those people who are looking feel badly that they don't know if/how to help, 90% would have no idea how to handle it in your position, and a good 50%+ would hit a person weighing one fifth what they do before trying to figure out a different approach. It only matters what you and your son think and feel, not those old biddies at big W. It is HIM you go home with, and it is HIM you are doing this parenting lark for, not them. I know how hard it is, and i've had to do tantrum negotiations with "helpful" passersby offering to hit DD for me (!), but it's the biggest favour you can do for yourself and for your parenting. Parenting is like sex - Good Parenting doesn't "look" a certain way. Lots of tantruming children come from loving attentive parents who have encouraged their sense of self, and lots of peaceful well-behaved kids haven't been fed for 3 days and have the crap beaten from them for having an opinion. He sounds like a real smart cookie and by caring what other think you are giving him powerful leverage - he KNOWS if he acts up enough you will give in because you dread being judged by others. But really hun, you have nothing to be judged upon, Gentle Parenting isn't about raising good kids it's about raising happy adults - you let them tell you your 20-year old son, who will by then be ripe with the fruits of your labour now, isn't up to scratch.

Hang in there!

Bx