Do you judge other peoples parenting?

[Glamourcide]

While I was pregnant I read every book the local library had on offer, and all the hand-me-downs from mum and friends who were past the baby stage (what a sad indictment on the people in our town - the one and only book store we had closed down because nobody was buying *anything*). I did bucketloads of research on the internet and still continue to check out new ideas and gather information, but at the end of the day I make an informed choice and decide how to raise DD going by instinct, consulting with DH, mum and keeping in mind what I've learned from books and other sources (friends, the lovely BB ladies etc), and watching how DD reacts to different methods.
I think a lot of people who knew me before I had DD are surprised to see that I'm doing an alright job - a lot of my old friends thought I was going to be one of *those* parents but can now see that I try my very best to learn what is going to be the best thing for DD.

[Roryrory]

I think a lot of people who knew me before I had DD are surprised to see that I'm doing an alright job - a lot of my old friends thought I was going to be one of *those* parents but can now see that I try my very best to learn what is going to be the best thing for DD.

Donna its sad, isn't it, that you get disapproving comments from people just because you readin parenting books! We got the same thing - I think people thought we were going to be very precious and pushy.

But I still ignored what was said if I didn't think it sounded like what I wanted to do!

Ditto RH - I saw these books like a supermarket - I took from the shelves what I wanted and left everything else for other people....

[Crystalwings]

Like lots of other people I think the answers yes and no.
I work in childcare and have seen so many different parenting techniques both positive and negative and how they impact on children. Due to my studies I also know alot about child development but I don't think that is going to make me a better parent. I have learnt to be compassionate through this role as I often take on one of a councillor and have seen how some people just simply don't know how to be a parent. It is a learnt skill and if you have had no positive role models to teach you this then it's easy to fall into the trap of copying the negative parenting you have seen.I think most people try to do the best they can given what experience they have and I try to see the best in people.
In saying that I have seen children who have been abused and neglected and childcare there only positive place in the whole world so that makes not judging people difficult but I have to put that aside and go ok how can I help this child/family? I have bathed children because their parents haven't for a week and have felt angry that this child's rights have been neglected and thanked god they were in a safe place at least a couple of times a week.
Most of us learn to judge right from wrong at a young age so I think we are kind of pre programmed to do it even though we probably don't want to be seen as a judgemental person and certainly don't like being judged ourselves.

[Smoke Jaguar]

Due to my studies I also know alot about child development but I don't think that is going to make me a better parent.

This got me thinking. I don't think my research prior or since DS's birth makes me a 'better parent' than someone else is to their child, I think it makes me a better parent to my own child. It also helps me be the parent I want to be, because I decided what kind of parent I wanted to be already - not wanting to try a bit of everything, because I knew that certain contemporary parenting techniques and ideas did not gel with the kind of parent I wanted to provide for my child, nor gel with my ideas of the kind of kid I wanted to produce.
So, I think that where I do find myself evaluating the merits of someone else's parenting, it's not so much in terms of "my parenting is better", it's in terms of realising that watching some parents reinforces that my parenting is more respectful of the child as a person (rather than a chattel or ball of flesh designed to interrupt my life), and I find myself more patient because I do have that academic awareness of physiological and cognitive development, the knowledge of the importance of touch and emotional availability of the primary caregiver and a more receptive ear to the voice of intuition than a lot of other parents I see around me.
In this way I 'judge', not in the way that I think parents 'should' do what I do, because a) I don't 'should', and b) I would like them to just get in touch with love and compassion to parent their children, not copy what I do, because that is just as disconnected as following conventional, one-size fits all parenting advice (or worse still, practicing maladaptive patterns copied from their own parents). If there's one 'should' I use, it's that parents 'should' employ utmost love and compassion in all dealings with their children. That's the 'right' starting point, as far as I'm concerned!

[Glamourcide]

Donna its sad, isn't it, that you get disapproving comments from people just because you readin parenting books! We got the same thing - I think people thought we were going to be very precious and pushy.

Haha, I get what you mean... unfortunately instead of thinking along those lines, most of my friends I'm sure assumed I would be one of those parents who puts their own needs before the child's 100% of the time. The kind of parent who won't change the baby's nappy until it's leaking, wouldn't BF because 'it will interfere with my social life if I have a baby attached to my nipple every two hours', the kind of parent who doesn't give a rats' what the kids are doing providing they're not bothering me. I was never that kind of person, but I went through a stage for a few years where I was a bit off the rails and it definitely coloured people's perception of me. So I think they were all completely shocked when they saw that I actually cared about my baby and my family, it made them really rethink their idea of me as one of those girls who 'do it for the money' or whatever it was they assumed. It's so funny now when I get comments from old friends who say, 'You know, I was always so adamant that I didn't want to have kids, but seeing you being a mum, and seeing it come so naturally, and seeing what a great little family you are and what a gorgeous, bright little girl you have, really makes me think that maybe parenthood is a future worth considering'. It makes me feel good to think that I must be doing *something* right if I'm showing people that while being a mum, and a young mum at that, is really challenging, it's also really rewarding when you do a good job of it.

[Winter]

As a mum-to-be, I definitely judge other peoples' parenting style. I am also closely watching and taking note of the things that I do like about different parents' approaches and saving them up for when my baby has arrived.

My sister is a really beautiful Mum and her kids are really well behaved, loved, individuals that have manners so I think I am going to be copying a lot of her techniques. I also love watching my Mum with the grandkids and her style of grand-parenting. I asked her if she was the same with us girls when we were kids and she said 'yes, people dont change' but I dont remember her being as much fun as she is now.

I have another girlfriend with 2 kids and while I adore her, there are a lot of parts of her parenting technique that I am going to give a miss. Her kids are just like her dogs, lovable but naughty, untrained puppies! It doesn't make her a bad parent, just a different one to the kind of parent I hope to be.

When I do judge parents, its when they are demonstrating behaviour that I think is totally inappropriate around children such as smoking while pushing the pram, swearing at their kids and speaking to them in an appalling manner, feeding them junk food and soft drinks, and generally having the look and feel of feral parents who are dragging their kids up rather than raising them.

Most other parents you can see that they are trying, even if their values and styles are not what I want my values and style to be, I can only give them kudos for doing their best.

[Smoke Jaguar]

Donna - it's nice when people do a double take of sorts! I've had people say they would never have pictured me as mother-material and say that it really suits me now. I still don't think I'm particularly 'maternal' in the way we think of the term, I just need to be maternal enough for my kid to be unconditionally loved and accepted for who he is, and provide for his needs - whatever kind of maternal I am, it's just what he wants from me

[Crystalwings]

I was thinking more about this and decided another post was in order.
I think RHF was right when she brought up the point about critically evaluating others parenting and passing judgement.
I think too often we assume things about people which is when we risk becoming jugemental. For example we can look at someone swearing at their child and think "thats appalling, I would never speak to my child in that manner" and leave it which is critically evaluating or we can go onto assume things about the person. Things such as "I wonder what suberb they are from", or "they are young and don't know any better" are making assumptions about others which lead to judgement.
God that was a bit of a ramble, hope it makes sense.
Mayaness, I like your point about the study, I suppose the point I was trying to make about study is that I know alot of stuff in theory but my baby is only 3mths old and I still have lots to learn as I go along. I hate people assuming that because I work in early childhood education I will be a perfect parent with the perfect child(even though I think she's perfect).
In relation to the pedaphile docs would have him on file and are probably waiting for him to stuff up which is horrible cause it means someone else could get hurt. If he is emotionally abusing your friend or her child this is also reportable. They may have sanctions in place like he is not allowed to look after your friends child unsupervised or other conditions.Most of us are disallusioned with docs but they are extremly under resourced and if we keep trying to fight for the rights of children then at least we can know we did our best.
This is an interesting thread.

[mumma_lion]

My thoughts are: There is no such thing as a PERFECT PARENT each and everyday we are learning new ways to deal with things and how to raise our children. I do judge other peoples parenting I am not proud of it. When my first child was born friends and family would judge me " your a first time mother u don't know anything, you should be BFing you shouldn't be going back to work rah rah rah" I felt I was not a good parent and I did not I know that if what I was doing was right or not. Everyone is so quick to judge others parenting skills, But have we ever stopped and looked in the mirror first. Can any of us really say that our parenting skills are 100% and that there is nothing we can do a little better? I know that there are a few things I could do better.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I think I do my best not to judge, or if I find myself doing so I look for underlying reasons, simply because I was pre-judged and judged and found wanting so much by my own mother for so long. Let alone other people - although I think I was a bit more sensitive than I needed to be inside when strangers commented.

Just yesterday at the station I saw tiny babies in forward-facing pushchairs. The mums were young, huge rolls of fat hanging out their clothes (yuck!), smoking, chatting amongst themselves and had been shopping, not talking to baby... you know what? They are copying what they learn. Maybe what their parents did, what all their friends do... they think it's normal. I can't condemn them for being different to me. I can think "I'm glad I have DS facing me as often as possible, that we like chatting, that my clothes cover me up in this cold weather, that I aren't addicted to smoking..." but I can't judge and condemn. Because, as mumma lion said, I'm not perfect. And I'd hope for some compassion when I stuff up too. And a lot of people thought I was odd for having a baby over one facing me so I could chat to him, think I'm odd for wearing a 2-year-old on my hip so we can chat, actually think I'm odd for just enjoying DS's company and wanting to be around him!