I have lots of friends who do things very differently to my way ,like CC, not even attempting to BF because they feel that FF is "more convenient", feeding their toddlers a diet of mainly chicken nuggets and chips, giving their 2 year olds only diet products (no fat milk, yoghurt, processed cheese) give them softdrink from 1 year onwards (albeit the "sugar-free" versions), teach their kids to make insulting comments about others (regarding their weight or state of boldness - a friend of ours actually told his kids not to touch my DH cause they might catch "baldy germs"),.....
Do I think they're bad parents? NO. A bad parent to me is somebody who does things that intentionally harm a child. I do think they don't have the "right" information. I believe that they are doing their best based on the knowledge they have. I do believe that if they had the information that I have and approached it with and open mind, they would do things differently. Of course this attitude is extremely patronising and I'm not proud of it.
Do they judge me? Of course they do. I'm too soft with my child and I spoilt her by co-sleeping and feeding her to sleep. In their mind I don't have a sense of humour cause I don't find it cute when the kids scream "Eeeew, baldy germs" at my DH. They probably think that I'm doing the wrong thing by occasionally giving my child a treat with real sugar in it (I would never give them sweetener). They cringed because DD had cow's milk, honey and even peanut butter in ver small amounts before she was 1. They thought I was depriving her of something cause I never gave her Farex and exclusively BF for 6 months, then kept doing it til she self-weaned at 19 months.
The bottom line is, although I do feel that what I am doing is the right thing for my child and me, I have to accept their approach, too. They are the parents, they get to make the decisions. I reserve the right to do things my way, so I have to let them have that freedom, too.
I would never judge somebody I don't know for little things like that. If I see a mother taking her toddler to Macca's, this might only be an occasional thing or they might do that every day. i don't know that. If I see something that I would disagree with, I don't know what lead to this happening. I try and give people the benefit of the doubt.
BUT, when I see a parent shaking their baby, or something like that, then I do judge. Although I do understand how frustrated we can become, especially when we're sleep deprived, this is completely unacceptable.
To the poster who mentioned about judging other's parenting styles while she herself is still pregnant. I used to do that. I think most women do. But you might find that you'll do a complete 180 once your bubba is here. I used to admire a family member's child who was so well behaved. Now, I feel sorry for her, sometimes. She is never allowed to be a kid. My toddler runs around giggling and squealing with joy, while her 2 1/2 year old sits at the table and waits for the adults to finish their dinner before she is allowed to leave her chair (and I'm talking 3 courses, but only close family).
I try to remind myself that we are just different and so, our kids will be raised differently, too. This approach doesn't fit in with me or my daughter, but my approach wouldn't fit with her and her daughter.
Sorry, for the ramble. And thanks for bringing up this topic. It made me have a long hard look at my attitude towards other parents.
I expect and know that I am judged by others, and so it should be. We are all used as measuring sticks for each others parenting in some way shape or form. This is what I believe keeps on an even kiel. It is what allows us to try new things, and experience others points of view.
Just because one make or forms a judgement does not mean that it cannot be changed through understanding and perspective.
I find that my personal views are at odds with many people I know, and this in turn impacts the way they raise their children, obviously. So I think it only logical that I would form an opinion and judgement on how those views influence their children. After all, these are the people that I will eventually live in the world with and run the country when I am old. iykwim.
How they are raised, the values they are instilled with, their education levels, etc are therefore important as they will have a direct impact on my life and the lives of my children in the future. How society guides its moral compass is going to be a direct result of how the next generation are raised. I expect that I shall be judged and I welcome that judgement. It enables me to change my views or practices, or not, and gives me the different perspective from how I was raised myself.
Hmm. That sounds a bit messy doesnt it! lol
Anyway, I think that judgement is crucial to how the next generation are raised. Some parents are not given education they should have been (YES!! A judgement!! lol) and some ignore it. These people need to hear different opinions, views and practices in order to fill the void between how they are and how they should be caring for children.
There are obviously times and places to voice ones judgements or criticisms, but I do believe that there is nothing wrong with being judgemental of others parenting skills. And I welcome people to openly judge mine. I would be worried if people tried to tell me that I was perfect and required no thought on any aspect of my parenting - there are obviously many ways of doing things, and I am always open to any suggestions on how I could parent better.
Parents should be open to all and any comments on their parenting as far as I am concerned. (Just because someone has a different way of doing something, there is nothing that says after careful consideration, you cannot ignore them anyway.)
Mmmmm, Lime Slice , I see what you are saying. But I think we're still having a different view on things.
DD got sun burnt a couple of months ago. I felt horribly guilty. It was obvioulsy not something I let happen on purpose. I didn't need people asking me: "How could you let her get burnt. Don't you know how dangerous it is..." And people did say it. Some even added: "Well, I hope you feel guilty".
Or when I decided to continue BFing past 6 months of age, I didn't need people telling me all the time that it is creepy for a toddler to BF or that they think I'm not doing the right thing nutritionally for her. Or when they told me to CC because they "think" it's the right thing to do.
I guess if somebody wants to judge me, they should do so based on facts that they know about me (not making assumptions) and they should be able to back up their opinion with research. But, at the same time, they should be open to the reasoning for my actions, too. I find that the people who are the most judgemental are usually the least receptive for a different point of view, even if it based on solid research. And often they are also the people that have no experience of their own about raising children. Like my MIL (she became DH's stepmum when he was 10) who has never had young children of her own.
I do get very sick of having to justify myself to others. I do the things I do because I have done my research and I have added some common thought to it and I believe it is the best way to go. It is my business.
I think judging is something we need to be so careful of. Whilst I do understand where you are coming from Limelice, I do believe you have the right intentions, it could seriously backfire.
I was raised by a mother from the "What will people think?!" or the "Tut tut" generation and I can tell you now, it was not pleasant. It certainly did not mean that people were raised well, it was just that people made sure that what they did in public was perceived to be right. It was really, really screwed up! As an example, my mother never wanted me to be a part of scripture classes as primary school, rather than going with her beliefs, she had me go as she was afraid of being judged. She put her personal reputation above how she thought I should be taught As an extreme example, I had to give a statement to the police one evening, it was late, so they gave me a lift home. My mother was highly embarrassed. I explained to her that isn't it better to get home safely and she was not happy with that. She would have rather had me walk home in the dark and have something had happen to me, than have the neighbours thinking I had been brought home by the police for doing something wrong. As I said before, really screwed up.
If we are too open with judging and passing out unwanted opinions, then there is a real risk of parenting being pushed underground. Many parents (including myself) would be almost too afraid to go out the front door in case someone comes up gives some ridiculous opinion. How much damage would that do? Kids kept home, not going to playgroup, due to that fear. Parents afraid to admit something, get help, for fearing of judging.
There is so much judgement out there already, without people feeling they need to add more. Please do not encourage others to be more judgemental than what they already are.
I think there's a difference between judging and evaluating- and constructive criticism! I have been told countless times to CC and have kindly deflected the thoughts a lot, by explaining that it wouldn't work for us, DS wouldn't stop crying and anyway I don't want him to learn that Mammy doesn't come for him when he needs her! It's a way of saying "thanks but no thanks" with also "and you're doing it wrong because..." without sounding judgemental or mean!
WRT child restraints, I'd be pointing out that it's illegal not to use a child restraint. IMO parents with unrestrained children running wild in the back of the car are irresponsible. If DS took off his seatbelt and ran wild I'd stop the car and not move until he was strapped in again. Every time. Even if it took two hours to get five minutes down the road to get home again! But other parents for some reason think "we're nearly home, it doesn't matter" - most accidents happen near home! I can't fathom that thinking, but then they can't fathom my putting DS's needs first all the time: safety is a real need.
BTW, I have a child who sits to table until everyone has finished and who is mostly quiet and well behaved around adults. It's not my parenting, well not much. It's his nature too. OK so he has toy trains if they are needed and takes them to Church every week (now that we're going again: another story but DS is quiet for 95% of the sermon and doesn't run amok). DS is full of fun and laughter, but he also knows when it's important to behave as an adult should. He doesn't always, but he does his best and knows what behaviour is appropriate when. I don't quash him (much LOL) but he knows my expectations, that I'm not cross if he can't meet them and that these expectations will be with him for life. My expectation is that he sits quietly through a sermon. He knows he may talk quietly or move around in a set area. He is not in trouble if he wants to run and play loudly, but he may not stay in the service. And the joy is I'll never expect anything different from him. My expectation of a 2 month old is the same of a 2 year old is the same as a 20 year old. With less tolerance if the 20 year old wants to play trains though!
And I've taken DS to burger king! It was that or starvation one evening on a motorway. He picked the food up and decided to starve LOL. He had fruit in the car but DH and I were fancying something and DH was driving, so burger king... and DS had none of it. Bless him. But we still took him in!
I think if we look at others' parenting and we can learn from it, be it a "let's do this" or "let's not do that" then WE have learnt and that's good. If we can share a tip then that's great: I was chatting to another woman about sleep problems earlier today and told her what worked for us. Without either of us mentioning CCing! But to... not just judge, but to jury and exocutioner as well IYSWIM, that I don't agree with. If you have a real problem with a parenting style then either say something or stop whinging in your head. I may have thought SiL was doing the wrong thing stopping BFing at 4m, but it's her choice and she made sure Niece was nurished... just because I breastfed for over a year doesn't mean she has to, or to feel judged by my continuing to feed beyond when she chose to stop. Nor should I feel that she thinks feeding beyond a year is wrong because she stopped formula at that point... I don't feel judged and that's good.
I think judging is a bad thing but if we do feel something is wrong then we can always offer constructive help. "Oh, my little one was just the same, this helped me: I know you've probably tried everything but just to make you feel less alone because I've been there too." My word, I'd take that advice! I wouldn't take "Your child is awful, you should do this" advice at all.
Child beating, child molesting, child murder... OK, I do judge here. I can understand being at the end of your tether and have told Liebling before now "I can see how with another mother you wouldn't be here any more" but I can't fathom crossing that line. And I am soooo thankful and grateful for that.
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