The Flower Shop (Why You Should Attachment Parent)

[Winter]

The nice thing about AP is that it is more of a philosophy than hard and fast rules - I know many AP parents, all of whom do some things slightly differently according to what works for them and the specific needs of their child.

ABSOLUTELY! Couldn't agree more, Suse! I have kicked DD out of bed just recently because she is also a bed hog and nibbles (bf) on my boobs all the time which drives me nuts so -boot! into her own bed which she thinks is pretty good too. I think the only rule is to do whatever works for you within a framework of being present in your parenting.

(Being present sounds so Dr.Phil but I cant think of another way to describe it - anyone got a better description?)

[skeetaboat]

Detachment parenting is the new fangled Western way of doing things and seems out of tune with the nature of babies and mothers.

Love the term 'detachment parenting'; such an apt description of modern day parenting in the western world.

[Smoke Jaguar]

How bout 'emotionally available'? I had that term flying around my head a lot when DS was a baby. 'Compassionate parenting'? 'Heartspace parenting'?
Alfie Kohn's 'Unconditional Parenting' is a good read for how to get a great flower shop started! And Sharon Heller's 'The Vital Touch' goes into some great detail and discussion about the merits of physical and emotional availability that benefit people from childhood into adulthood. Both available on Fishpond website if your library network doesn't have them.
I think the main thing is not to stifle your instinctual tendencies (whatever they are) in favour of some kind of baby training fad or regime set out by someone distant who published a book but has never even met your baby or you. Or other people who don't have the responsibility of raising your child but feel entitled to an opinion.
What I tend to say to people is that when it comes down to it, you are answerable to your child and no-one else. Someone doesn't agree with tending to your baby's cries immediately? So what? Explain to your baby that you're modifying your parenting based on teh opinion of someone who doesn't matter...

[Smoke Jaguar]

Love the term 'detachment parenting'; such an apt description of modern day parenting in the western world.

I use 'separated parenting'. Same thing and seems to denote that physical separation (prams, fancy bouncers, etc that some people call 'mummy replacers', and that is a good way to describe them, for all the defensiveness this term engenders!) that encourages emotional separation.

[murraysmum]

i started this with my first bub and he still sometimes sleeps better ad settles better when he sleeps with me i felt safer when he slept in with me and he breastfed all the time ( but i did the same thing and booted him out at 11mnths as hes a bed hog and only sleeps with mummy when scared or sick )

this bub i hope to do the same thing im even going to try baby wearing

that article was realy good thanks for sharing

[skeetaboat]

ABSOLUTELY! Couldn't agree more, Suse! I have kicked DD out of bed just recently because she is also a bed hog and nibbles (bf) on my boobs all the time which drives me nuts so -boot! into her own bed which she thinks is pretty good too. I think the only rule is to do whatever works for you within a framework of being present in your parenting.

(Being present sounds so Dr.Phil but I cant think of another way to describe it - anyone got a better description?)

In tune? Attentive? Responsive? Connected?

Totally agree Winter. To me AP is about meeting bub's needs in a way that works for you and your household, respecting bubs need to be close and comforted, encouraging communication by responding to it, etc. As opposed to forcing bubs to become independent before s/he is ready or prescribing to a one-size-fits-all approach.

[Kailani]

I have kicked DD out of bed just recently because she is also a bed hog and nibbles (bf) on my boobs all the time which drives me nuts so -boot! into her own bed which she thinks is pretty good too.

DS is constantly sucking all throughout the night - it is sooo annoying! I wake up to feel another fricken let down! I feed him to sleep and often he just does not want to let go, even when he's asleep - he totally uses me as a dummy/pacifier. I honestly must admit, I would much prefer he slept in his cot, for the sake of my sleep and sanity, but only if he was happy to do so. Until then, I am content to let him suck on and off all night and snuggle with me. Actually, you know what kills me the most...having to face him and facing the one side all night! I love sleeping facing the left but I can't because DS constantly wakes for bbs and I have to turn around again!

[Winter]

He just does not want to let go, even when he's asleep - he totally uses me as a dummy/pacifier....Actually, you know what kills me the most...having to face him and facing the one side all night! I love sleeping facing the left but I can't because DS constantly wakes for bbs and I have to turn around again!

In the end I would let DD feed for a reasonable time, then I would roll over and say "that's enough darling, you've had a drink". She would fuss for a bit and then go back to sleep. Wearing a tshirt helped so I could cover my boobs and prevent access. And I tried to think of the little feet kicking me in the back as a massage! I still pull DD into my bed in the mornings so that we are having some gorgeous snuggles, I couldn't go cold turkey, I would miss her toooooo much!

[suse]

Holly, I would recommend you read Jay Gordon's other work - his suggestions on night weaning are geared for co-sleepers. Might help you to night wean without giving up co-sleeping, if that's what you want to do.

[Kailani]

And I tried to think of the little feet kicking me in the back as a massage!

That is hilarious! That is exactly what I do in the mornings when he wakes up and I'm still too sleepy: I roll over and let him kick and squirm and think of it as a massage

Suse thanks for the rec, I will definitely look out for the book. It would be a dream to get my sleep back

Well I am just glad I'm not the only one, and I'm not a "foolish" mother "spoiling" her baby! (so my mother and grandma keep telling me)...

[Persephone1]

Thanks Ladies, I'm feeling more and more confident that whatever we do, it'll be based on instinct and intuition and whatever works for us. I won't be feeling guilty about lots of snuggles if that's what feels right! And now...actually looking forward to it...bring on the AP!

[Lolli]

What a nice thread Thanks for posting that Heaven

I've been thinking the last couple of days, as ds has just turned two- it was all worth it. Those months where we awake and feeding around the clock and the only advice anyone could give me was to 'let him cry'- it was worth it not to. I now have a secure, happy, friendly, attached but indpendant little man- and I credit that to AP

[~Saram~]

Yep I love my flower shops too, and the best part really is a few years down the track when everyone who thought you were nuts or tried the old "making a rod for your own back" have to eat their words :-)

[Gigi]

i was told countless times i was "making a rod for my own back", "she'll never sleep thru", "DD is the boss" etc - in relation to feeding on request, not leaving her in childcare UNTIL she was happy to see me leave etc.

Now she is three, i see her with the beginnings of manners, thoughtful behaviours, empathy for others, ability to touch babies very gently, turn thin pages without tearing them, very good concentration, for a so-called spoiled with affection child, she is not bratty, and what i never thought i would see, she's starting to be affectionate with me (that took a LONG time). For the last few years, i thought to myself, "so i'm trying all this AP stuff, and my DD won't even let me cuddle her - what am i doing wrong?" - but it's changing now. I had to let her take her own time with this, a big lesson in patience for me - and my own feelings of rejection in general.

We're still bf-ing at three, and if "spoiling" my child means having a healthy looking three year old, that's fine with me. She still has the trumpeter's cheeks from suckling LOL. So funny now that she is talking more, to hear from her how important booby time is to her and how happy it makes her.

[suse]

Suse thanks for the rec, I will definitely look out for the book. It would be a dream to get my sleep back

Just google it hon - all the info you need is on his website