Friends who use CIO methods - do you say anything.

[BabyQ]

well at ds's first birthday party, there was a mum there with her baby who was a couple of months old...baby falls asleep and i offer ds's bed..so she puts him in..i organise the monitor etc and mum and i walk out when she closes the door...she sits down in the living room and i went to get the handset..went to give it to her and she says "oh i just leave him (as he was crying), he'll get over it soon and go to sleep" ..so i just said "just in case..." and i turned it on and gave it to her....

not long afterwards, she got up and acted a bit more concerned about her little one... i went off to do stuff..and when she had been gone for a while, i asked her dh where she was and he said she went to hold bub til he went to sleep...

i reckon from the vibe of things and the way she looked at me that she felt a bit guilty at letting him cry, so she held him to sleep...


I reckon if i were in your situation, I would probably ask how the mum is coping...Sympathise with having a crying baby..and then ultimately offer my help "let me give you some peace and quiet"...and go get the baby and give it what it's asking for...
(all that being said and done I would have to make sure my own little one was being looked after first)

[CrazyLady]

I never say anything to mothers unless I feel the child is in immediate danger. Some people might not agree with my parenting techniques either. And if i get one more person tell me that i should solve DD's night wakings with controlled crying I'm going to tear shreds off them!

My friend has the happiest little boy and he has a 2 minute grizzle before he falls asleep but always wakes up chattering happily. If he gets stressed or continues more then 5 minutes my friend will go comfort him. There is no way that child gets stressed though or will get to the point of hiccups and sobs

[YoYo]

I have been in the same situation where we were having MG at someones place one day, and the host put her DD to bed, and left her....she cried and cried. The Mumma was like "Oh she always does that at the start...it will only go for another 5 - 10 mins". I seriously wanted to find some earmuffs....It was so hard to listen to, but I didn't say anything. It's not my place!

I breastfed, and rocked DS to sleep, and he slept in my arms ANYWHERE....we also co-slept for a while (he was in a cot when he was really little and did have a really good routine - until it all went pear shaped).

I have had friends who aren't parents ask me why it took me so long to put DS to sleep (while we were having a social gathering at our place)...."why don't you just put him in his cot and leave him there". I just have to say "it's not for me, it just goes against the grain of my parenting"

I have also recently met two new friends who are pregnant with their firsts. One asked me if I'd read Tizzy....and I just had to say "I'm more of a Pinky fan". The reasons as to why go from there.

You can say things without hurting or judging someone elses decision but also get your point across too I think.

[Doing my best]

The Mum said "this seemed like a long time to me but hey, if my Paediatrician said it, it must be ok.... On the first night she cried for about 2 hours in total and in the end she went to sleep but was still kind of sobbing in her sleep coz she'd got herself so worked up... It was so hard to listen to her cry, I felt sick and my husband had to stop me from going in to her but I just kept telling myself that it's just one week of pain for a lifetime of gain....".

I think this is an opening to discuss the topic, and suggest that there are other ways, and judging by the reaction, would depend whether to give more info.

When this orginally came up, and I said that I think you shouldn't say anything, that was based on the scenario of the mother not seeming bothered that the baby crying, and feeling that it was right for them.

But this shows that the mother is wondering whether it is right to be feeling this way.

BBL, baby crying, so gotta get him fed, and DD off to daycare.

[Visitor8]

oh hun that must have been horrible for you to hear

I would say something, but in a nice manner and when it's just the 2 of you I wouldn't say it in a way to judge her though. Maybe lend her that book, say you thought she would enjoy it as she does a lot of things (organic food etc)

[Visitor8]

wow a lot of you don't think she has a right to say anything

I don't think by any means that people should judge her, but sheesh when I had my first and left him to CIO... well lets just say NOW that since I am a no cry mumma and Ash is never left to cry I WISH someone had told me there was another way I used to hate hearing him screaming but I thought that was the ONLY way to do it I hold such regret now...

There is a difference between judging someone, and letting them know there are other ways

[Cherished]

I think you can gently offer suggestions which do not sound like your opinion or advice. I don't have a bub yet but I already know I will hate it when people try to tell me I shoudln't have bubs in my room or I should get them in a sleeping pattern in their own room or 'babies just cry, you don't always have to run to them'. Essentially if you say something you are doing the exact same thing with your views and your friend may not appreciate it iykmwi. Maybe suggest that your mothers group each read a book every month and than bring it in to the next gathering and if anyone wants to borrow it they can... That way your book will be there and if any of the mums 'are' interested they can borrow it

[Honeybee]

I personally wouldn't feel able to say anything. You never know, maybe her baby usually does grizzle for 5 mins and then falls asleep, and perhaps she was pretending to be OK about him crying because she had people over? Of course, I have no idea, maybe he cries himself off to sleep every day.

My MG is similar to yours - I think most of them use or have used some form of CC or CIO. They have suggested it to me and I have just said 'I don't believe in letting babies cry', and left it at that. I don't want to appear judgemental and cause bad feeling in my MG.

I have a similar issue with child care, lots of my MG mums have their babies in child care, this is something I personally think is not good for babies full stop, but I can't say anything about it. I don't know their situations. Our financial circumstances allow me to stay home (although with significantly reduced levels of consumption - no big loss), perhaps they HAVE to work to keep their house? Some have no family here with no support. So who am I to judge really? I just have to do what I think is right for my son, myself and my family and trust that other people are doing the same.

I really do sympathise with what you're saying though, it can be really hard not to say anything.

[Early Kids]

What a tough one. If it were someone I was fairly close with I'd have maybe said soemthing like, doesn't sound like he's going to sleep maybe he just wants a cuddle first.

I'm not a fan of CIO, it sounds horrible!