Gentle solutions for hitting and tantrums...

[Beach Mama]

Izzy has started hitting or stomping feet when she doesn't get her own way - it would almost be comical if we didn't want her to turn into a bratski.

Anyway, if we don't give her something she wants ( like today I was eating pizza shapes and there was no way she was having one) or if she wants the remote etc.... she will make a funny noise and then bring her hand down like she is going to hit something or someone and sometimes she does hit us. She did it a few times at mothers group the other day for no real reasone but luckily didn't connect with a kids head or something.

We tell her "no, that isn't for Izzy" etc and distract her by taking her away and usually it works, but sometimes we g[et the stomping feet too with a sit down and cry tanty....

I have just ordered Pinky's book, Toddler Tactics but wondering if there is anything else we can do... I know some girls at MG hit gently on the hand already but we don't think that will teach her anything except to keep hitting. I've also tried sternly saying NO, but all it does it seem to frustrate her more and she keeps hitting.

Help please from a worried mummy.....

[Arimeh]

Tan - DS does this, he usually gets himself so frustrated that he slams his head on the floor. I think its just him working through his emotions, and after he does it he seems to get over it.

IMO (and its only my opinion) I think its good to let them express themselves, because its something we can't really help them do, yes we can help them discover measures to control their temper and frustrations, but I'm not sure it really works for that age group yet.

We just let him go and get it out. He's hardly going to knock himself out, and its a lot gentler than hitting him every time he chucks a tantie. He goes to hit us sometimes, and we just take him by the wrist, and tell him that we don't hit in this house, and that's not being nice to mummy/daddy (and put on a real disappointed look) and it seems to work so far...

I dont' really know if its considered gentle parenting (mainly cos I haven't read any books about the subject) but its not hitting them at least.. lol

[Rahjah]

Elizabeth Pantley's book is good for this too. "No cry discipline solutions for toddlers" or something like that.

I would go buy those 'feelings' books "When I'm feeling angry" and read it through. I bought my sis those books for her toddler and it's amazing how well he can articulate his frustrations now rather than acting out. Any way you can find to help them express what they are feeling in a helpful way is great...

[Olive]

if sophie hits us (not common) we tell her calmly that we dont hit in this house, she hurt xxxx say sorry, in which she kisses xxxxx if she does it again she gets a warning, third time put on the florr by herslf away from everyone, seems to work, she gets minimal attention for it

[BellyBelly]

The Science of Parenting has some great sections on tantrums, sibling fighting and things like that, has given me lots of tools to work with, highly recommend it.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I was just going to suggest Science of Parenting! I've been re-reading that and it has re-enforced all I've been telling DH about tantrums.

Basically, it's a child having a strong emotion they've never felt so strongly before. They can't cope. They need help not to be given their own way but to cope with the feeling. So we do cuddles and say "yes, I know it is upsetting when you can't claw Mama's eyes out, but it hurts Mama so that's why we walk away from you. No-one likes being hurt. We love you lots and lots but we don't hurt other people." (Or him not having the coffee, or tearing up bills, or all the other fun things we disallow.)

A few little hits I don't mind, a lot of it is expression and frustration that he can't communicate, but we do stop it if it's really violent or prolonged. He doesn't get his own way but he is understood, cuddled, kissed, calmed down and given words to help (once he can say them LOL).

This actually works wonders with speech development. I've noticed that since DH has realised that Daddy just whisking a toy away actually IS the end of the world for DS and we've both been talking through emotions he's more likely to try to say a new word and to pick "happy options" such as coming to Mama like a good boy for a cuddle, not running into the kitchen. Or this morning he was shouting "han!" "eeee!" or even a new word "feet!" for where he wanted me to push him on the swing (I do hands, knees or feet a few times then ask him to pick).

[Beach Mama]

Thanks for the suggestions ladies.... she is too young to understand the books but I think I might get a few for when she is older.
It really is like she does it deliberately for a reaction at times and it will come out of the blue too. She will look me directly in the eye and bring her hand down and hit either herself, the tray or me if I am close enough. I have been saying "no baby we don't hit, that hurts mama" and distracting her with something else and that will usually work but at other times she will leave me and go and do it to DH who says something similar. Luckily we are both taking the same "distract,distract, distract" approach at the moment. I will definately look at getting the Science of Parenting on my next pay day too and hopefully my Pinky book will arrive today for a few more strategies...

It is so tough and DH and I keep saying stuff to each other like "I hope we don't wreck her" because we feel so clueless at times about discipline etc. I guess we aren't that clueless because we have seen and heard what others do and know what we DON'T want to do, like yell or smack etc... Thanks again from the vague one.

[Arimeh]

Tan its so not easy knowing what to do. I think that I need to get that book too, cos DS was hitting his head on my knee today out of frustration, and then opened his mouth for a big bite of mummy's flesh... needless to say he ended up screaming (I didn't hit though, just pulled him away) and that was enough for the BIGGEST tanty I have ever seen in my life from him.

I ended up putting him in his cot for a few minutes and letting him scream it out, cos I was busy in the bedroom crying out of frustration myself...

Ahhh this parenting whilst pregnant stuff is HARD...