oh hun! huge :hugs: and again

I know you are going through such a hard time at the moment and I am so sorry!
I dont know really if this is the right thing to say or not, but my mum said this to me when I was having similar thoughts, and so Ill pass it on I. You need to believe in what you are doing. If you dont, then you will feel like shyte about it. kwim? I dont know if smacking is right or wrong, I am not making judgements. But you must have faith in yourself if you want to feel any more secure in the knowledge that YOU ARE A GREAT MUM!
We all have bad days and you are having a pretty low couple of months here. For me personally I think it is important that our kids know that we are human too, and sometimes we lose our temper, sometimes we do things that we dont mean to do or arent proud of. That is what is real. Trying to keep kids in a bubble of rosiness is not going to give them a realistic view of the world.
Dont know if this is coming out right - it is late! lol
But have faith in yourself, your choices. If you dont want to smack her, why are you? Look at the triggers for it and decide to do something else, or not. I know that is easier said than done! Sometimes a smack on the bum is the only thing that will cause Charlotte to take notice of what I am saying. I know how hard it is to lose your temper with our kids, I am sure we are not alone in this. But that is life. Not everything is fairytales and lollipops.

If she is having behavioural issues at the moment, then that is not automatically cause you are a bad mum. Please know that. She is at that age, she is questioning her environment and why her world is the way it is, trying to shape it to her desire, to see what is possible and what is not.
I have no advice on how to control tantrums really, havent had to do it a lot yet, but I know how to control them in myself.
Take a step back hun and a deep breath. Does she know about your angel babies the last couple of months? She may very well be confused and not understand. Yes your attitude and emotional state is going to be affecting her, I just dont think there is much you can do about that at the moment. You need to grieve and it will affect her...

Sorry, I am rambling. Anyway, hope that came out right. Just believe in yourself and her. Know that this too shall pass and you will be stronger and better prepared everyday you face it.
Hugest hugs, I hope someone else can offer you some more practical information on how to keep her behaviour a bit more palatable for you and your family.
xxx