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Thread: Help me with some ideas right now

  1. #1

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    Default Help me with some ideas right now

    Ok so some of you may be well aware of all that is going on right now... so much and i know i am struggling to get my head and heart around alot of it, i dont doubt it would be even harder for DD.

    But, regardless, she is playing up big time. Tantrums bigger than we have ever dealt with, Toileting issue's, general nastiness and being rude that is just not like her. She is normally a very polite, gorgeous caring little girl.

    So im just really struggling with how to handle this behaviour.

    Right now, i feel all DF and i are doing is yelling or smacking her and i hate hate hate hate it.

    Usually she is very easy to reason with, but atm it is far from working.

    The second i say no to something she requests or wants, she screams so loud you CAN hear it from the road, she throws herself around, she starts being mean to either me or DF or her brother... by saying "your not my friend anymore" "i don't like you" or mimicking how we have been disciplining her by threatening her, or taking somthing away or whatever....

    Nothing i or DF are doing right now is working, so please, help me, help us... what are some strategies i can use right now???

    I HATE HATE smacking her as i KNOW it doesn't DO anything, and i'm so sick of yelling at her. I am so sick of loosing my cool with her, which is just happening SO MUCH of late...... life cant be very nice with parents like us right now, but as much as i hate to say it, life is far from nice with how she is behaving (however, i realise she is the child and i am the parent, but how she acts does still have a factor in our life too)



    After i have smacked, or yelled at her, i feel just horrid to the core. I feel this immense sense of guilt its just not funny... i am even stretched so thin i think, today when she was having one of her tanties, she said "go away" to me and somthing else that wasnt nice, and i replied "ok i will, i will go away and i wont come back"

    Well of course she was a mess and said no no no i dont like that.... i feel like a really bad parent for even thinking about saying that to her, let alone actually saying it. I mean FGS! Is there soemthing wrong with me? as a parent? am i actually a bad mum? I am struggling to keep my cool with her.... and im not handling it very well when i dont


    Anyone have any advice or tips for us please??


  2. #2

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    I just want to add, i have been thinking since i posted this.. (yep im still up ) but i think i KNOW what the problem is, its me! because i am in such an unstable place emotionally, she is acting out big time..... but now i just need to find a way to be a better mother and not let that influence my parenting

  3. #3

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    oh hun! huge :hugs: and again

    I know you are going through such a hard time at the moment and I am so sorry!
    I dont know really if this is the right thing to say or not, but my mum said this to me when I was having similar thoughts, and so Ill pass it on I. You need to believe in what you are doing. If you dont, then you will feel like shyte about it. kwim? I dont know if smacking is right or wrong, I am not making judgements. But you must have faith in yourself if you want to feel any more secure in the knowledge that YOU ARE A GREAT MUM!
    We all have bad days and you are having a pretty low couple of months here. For me personally I think it is important that our kids know that we are human too, and sometimes we lose our temper, sometimes we do things that we dont mean to do or arent proud of. That is what is real. Trying to keep kids in a bubble of rosiness is not going to give them a realistic view of the world.
    Dont know if this is coming out right - it is late! lol
    But have faith in yourself, your choices. If you dont want to smack her, why are you? Look at the triggers for it and decide to do something else, or not. I know that is easier said than done! Sometimes a smack on the bum is the only thing that will cause Charlotte to take notice of what I am saying. I know how hard it is to lose your temper with our kids, I am sure we are not alone in this. But that is life. Not everything is fairytales and lollipops.

    If she is having behavioural issues at the moment, then that is not automatically cause you are a bad mum. Please know that. She is at that age, she is questioning her environment and why her world is the way it is, trying to shape it to her desire, to see what is possible and what is not.
    I have no advice on how to control tantrums really, havent had to do it a lot yet, but I know how to control them in myself.
    Take a step back hun and a deep breath. Does she know about your angel babies the last couple of months? She may very well be confused and not understand. Yes your attitude and emotional state is going to be affecting her, I just dont think there is much you can do about that at the moment. You need to grieve and it will affect her...

    Sorry, I am rambling. Anyway, hope that came out right. Just believe in yourself and her. Know that this too shall pass and you will be stronger and better prepared everyday you face it.
    Hugest hugs, I hope someone else can offer you some more practical information on how to keep her behaviour a bit more palatable for you and your family.
    xxx

  4. #4

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    This is what worked for me when my kids were younger, may not work for you but it's worth a try....

    As soon as the tantrum starts, take her gently by the hand and lead her to another room ( i used to use the hallway) and in a very calm voice say "If you want to have a tantrum you can but you have to have it here and come back when you have finished and are in a better mood" and walk off. At first she will come back as soon as you leave so repeat the process until she stays and the tantrum finishes. Don't talk to her other than to tell her where to have the tantrum until she calms down and keep your voice calm, don't yell. It takes a little bit of practice but I can guarantee after a few times all you'll have to say is "go and have your tantrum somewhere else I don't want to see it" and she will go. We no longer have tantrums because the kids reaslise it's not worth it.

    As for the rudeness she is displaying....The first time she is rude to you or DH tell her "You don't speak to mum/ Dad/brother/sister (whoever she is rude to) like that, if it happens again I will take ____ (favourite toy, book, whatever she plays with most) away from you. The 2nd time she does it take it away, put it on top of the fridge and give her a time she can have it back. WIth younger kids I would say you can't have it until after lunch or tea, but with my older kids it ranges from 1 day to 1 week depending on what they have done.

    The key is patience and perseverence. These tactics will work as long as you are persistant. At first it will appear that she doesn't care about the punishment but don't be discouraged. She will also go through a rebellious stage where she rebells against the punishment, don't stop, this means it's working! SHe is trying to figure out a way around the punishment so you will cave in....Don't cave!

    If you need any help pm me if you wish.

  5. #5

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    Oh Papillon . I don't think any of us is perfect and the times I have lost it and yelled at my DD just seeing her little face crumple is enough to make me feel like I'm a monster.

    You're right, she is picking up on your emotional tension, and you are acting out of yours. But the emotional issues are not going away right now, so you probably just need a few strategies to keep your cool and hers. I am certainly not an expert, but after a terrible time with my DP last year in our relationship, I found a few things that worked to keep things cooler, at least when it was just DD and I.

    Tantrums bigger than we have ever dealt with, Toileting issue's, general nastiness and being rude that is just not like her. She is normally a very polite, gorgeous caring little girl.
    I think you'll find when you settle down and deal with her differently then this will ease. Don't worry about the toileting and be gentle with her when she's 'nasty'. It's hard to process emotions when you aren't really sure how to. If she was learning to walk, you wouldn't get cross with her for stumbling. It's the same with emotions. I find when I remember this when DD is having a meltdown it's easier for me to keep my cool.

    You know smacking and yelling is not helping, so try not to do that. I'm not saying you won't get frustrated or annoyed, but walk away rather than smack. She might not like that, but YOU need a time out if that's how you're feeling.

    The second i say no to something she requests or wants, she screams so loud you CAN hear it from the road,
    I don't tell my DD 'No'. I don't give in, but I find an alternative that is truthful. So, a request for something she can't have gets a "You can have that after such-and-such/tomorrow/You had that only a little while ago, how about something else now?" Try to think of a different way to phrase your answer that doesn't start with 'No'. You'll be surprised what a difference it can make. You say she used to be good at reasoning with, so start a conversation with her and ask her why she wants what she wants and then explain your reasons for not giving it to her. I don't put my DD off with a 'maybe later' that never happens either.

    she throws herself around, she starts being mean to either me or DF or her brother... by saying "your not my friend anymore" "i don't like you" or mimicking how we have been disciplining her by threatening her, or taking somthing away or whatever....
    "I'm sorry you're feeling frustrated and hurt, would you like a cuddle?" Works wonders here.

    After i have smacked, or yelled at her, i feel just horrid to the core. I feel this immense sense of guilt its just not funny... i am even stretched so thin i think, today when she was having one of her tanties, she said "go away" to me and somthing else that wasnt nice, and i replied "ok i will, i will go away and i wont come back"
    We all slip up and behave in ways we'd rather not have. When I've yelled at my DD or done something else that I think wasn't right I get down to her level and apologise. I give her a hug and say "You didn't like it when Mummy did [whatever], did you? It wasn't very nice of Mummy and I'm so sorry, will you forgive me?" We cuddle and go and do something fun then to get over it. I don't hang on to the guilt either by doing this, because then I feel that she understands we all make mistakes in the way we treat each other, but it's resolving them that's important.

    Hope that helps and you feel better soon. Take care of yourself, hun. That's going to be key to getting back on track.

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