Losing patience, what do you do when you can't distract?
I've always used the distraction technique to avoid ds1 doing things that are harmful or just annoying (ie making a mess). He has a pretty easy life though, he has free reign of the house as i'm big on experimentation and freedom. But with the "twos" (they're not terrible just challenging) - theres lots of screaming, hitting, kicking - out of frustration. Plus he's really started pushing boundaries by purposely doing things i've said no to (i KNOW he's doing it because he needs attention) - i'm all for distracting and giving him the attention he is crying out for - but most of the time i simply can't because i am tending to my high needs baby - this just makes it worse. I've started to have to raise my voice and put on cartoons which i hate doing, and when he's hit the baby i put him in his room, more for the baby's protection than to shame or isolate him - this leads to more screaming, i don't think he understands...... I'm losing my patience with him and finding the urge to give a smack! Which no offence to anyone who smacks - is NOT how i want to parent - i guess i'm just reverting to how i was parented.
Just an example of were the gentle is not working - is the screaming thing, he lets out high pitched screams which causes the baby to cry hysterically because he's scared. For MONTHS i've been saying "thats an outside voice" and other kind alternatives - he just doesn't care! because he's getting a reaction. I can't give him anymore attention that i am giving. So what can i do to get him to stop doing things when i can't distract him from it or offer an alternative... he doesn't always listen to "no".
Oh hun, I know how hard it is. DS1 luckily was never a tanty thrower, but he found other ways to be challenging. And DS2 - well, he is a prize winning tanty thrower as well as deciding that whatever DS1 can do, he can do better - including defiance. I have found that what worked with DS1 doesn't work with DS2, so I think a lot of it is personality based. atm the thing that is working best with DS2 is gentle time out. He soothes himself with a sheet or pillow case when he is upset, so it works quite well to put him in his bed with his sheet against his cheek and tell him he can come out when he's ready. Usually he lies there for a few minutes and then a calm little boy walks back out to us and says sorry. With DS1 the "time out spot" worked better, having him sit somewhere out of reach of distractions, but where he could see me. He responded quite well to that. I am sure there are others things that have worked from time to time too, but I am too tired to think of them just now LOL. I will let you know if I remember any. GL hun. This too does pass.
When DS has a frustration tantrum, it's because he can reason HOW to do something but his body won't comply. He knows HOW to make a big duplo train, but connecting things, keeping them connected and the big tower not falling over while he moves the train is just too hard for his body.
So I encourage him to keep things smaller, within his capabilities. Or just hide the stupid train and get out an "easier" toy. Because he CAN do this, he's happier. Until someone else finds where I've hidden the Duplo and gets it out again.
Maybe something like that would work? He's frustrated because he CAN'T have Mama all to himself, so he works out how to make everyone else miserable (or it feels like that). But he can have this toy or this book all to himself - HE can choose to share and we all read together if he likes. Make time - maybe naptime - when it's just the two of you. Let your son know you love doing this with him and it's a shame it's not always like this - maybe when the baby wakes up he can join in? Or we can do something else all three of us. Up to you to pick. That way he has some choice in the matter and feels more in control and like he has more of your attention.
Have to be brief as DD has a sky-high temp, so this is just what i'd do in your specific example.
DS1 screams. DS2 begins to cry in fear. I would comfort the baby. I would not speak to or look at DS1. I would talk loudly about "oh the poor poor baby is scared, it's so sad!" and completely ignore DS1 to the point of leaving the room and taking the baby with me. I would make it so that the only reaction to be gained from screaming is that mama focusses COMPLETELY on the baby. I might even go lie diwn for a feed and if DS1 comes to complain explain that you had to take time out from being with them both to comfort the baby because he frightened his brother. The message i would want to send is that if he's going to deliberately hurt or scare another family member then he doesn't get to be around them.
This will work best if you remember to praise good behaviour - it's SO easy to forget to do it enough when you have a high-needs toddler or baby, so with both you will be on your uppers i bet! But if you remember to tell him out of the blue when he's being just GREAT he will really feel the difference when you ignore him totally, and the balance whereby he is told as often (if not more often) when he's doing great as when he's not will help him to learn very quickly what behaviour mummy will react positively to and what will only earn him a trip to coventry.
Losing patience, what do you do when you can't distract?
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