Naughty!!!!

[beckles]

just came home from taking oscar to the park where he was playing happily with a 4 year old girl. well he hit her, the little girls mum was there and screamed at oscar no, no, no, you naughty naughty girl (she thought he was a girl *shrug*). she left with her daughter who was dry eyed - not distressed at all - and went and bought her an ice cream because the 'naughty girl' hit her.

ok so i have never ever called my kids 'naughty'. i believe in gentle parenting only and i see this as shaming and blaming. oscar shouldn't have hit the girl but gosh she just went over the top (by the way the girl was a good head and shoulders taller than oscar). if oscar hits we just say that we don't do that and to have soft gentle hands, we address his frustrations and move on. well i picked him up and he dissolved into tears, sobbing and wouldn't look at me. we sat for a while whilst he released his sadness and had a breastfeed and then i asked him what happened he said occar hit and her say occar nordy (naughty). so we discussed that oscar is not naughty and kids are learning not naughty and we don't hit cos it hurts people. he was so distressed on and off i let it go for a while. we picked up the boys from school and the first thing he says is occar nordy. so we are trying to build his self esteem again. i just feel so cross that this woman would bully a baby like that.

i didn't actually say anything to the woman because i know if this is her attitude she is more likely to get angry at me and i didn't want to put oscar through such an ordeal. i could see her as one of those ranting raving mothers that is just not nice to be around and i certainly didn't want oscar to go through anything more.

so it doesn't matter, i guess, how hard you put in to be positive and attached and gentle there is always someone out there that can have 1 minute contact with your child and leave them for you to rebuild and heal.

grr i feel angry
beckles

[christy]

*hug* beckles that is what gets me too sometimes, you spend so much time choosing your words & building up your child for someone else to take 10 seconds and destroy it. In the past week we've had it happen 5 times. Matilda was called a "difficult" child as a baby and again last week by a nurse at our GP. I said "she's not difficult, she is Matilda" We had someone say to me that I should smack Jovie who is only 10 months old because she deserved it for crying. She's teething & if she needs to cry for 2 hours I will do everything I can to comfort her but I am NOT going to smack her for it.

Both times afterwards I've had to spend time with them settling them & letting them know that they are okay. Matilda told DH when he got home from work "I difficult Daddy" to which he looked at me & said "were you?? well not all the time baby only when you don't listen to mummy" (thinking that I had said she was being difficult). I was thankful that he was in the same mind space as I am. There are no difficult babies.

Sorry went on a rant myself there... but I hear ya.

[Ashlee]

We had someone say to me that I should smack Jovie who is only 10 months old because she deserved it for crying.

Are you fricken kidding me? That is ridiculous, that alone makes my blood boil.

Beck, is Oscar ok now, or is he still "shut down"? I can't offer any solution, I just wanted to say how un called for ANY discipline from someone other than you or your partner is, you parent your kids, not her!

[~Jo~]

Beckles thats awful. Poor darling Oscar. Im thinking of how that would affect Sammy and hed be absolutley devastated..no one talks to him like that..sigh. I would smother your beautiful litle boy in hugs, kisses and love..hes growing and learning like all children..ignore that silly insensitive woman and rebuild your little boys vocab with Oscar kind, beautiful, caring.

Hugs to you

Jo

[Phteven]

*big squishy hugs* for Oscar and you.
What a nasty experience. I would be so shaken if someone were to shout at one of my boys like that - I'm still recovering from our neighbour saying I should smack yasin because he throws peebles in the courtyard.
You're such a committed Mum, I'm sure you'll rebuild him in no time.

[Celsie]

OMG - This woman who called Oscar "naughty" is a monster IMO! That's nothing more than verbal abuse on a baby!!! She should be ashamed of herself!!!

Celsie. xoxox

[beckles]

thanks for your replys, i think he is ok this morning hasn't mentioned the stoopid nordy word again. i just love that when i told the kids what happened they just can't comprehend why a person would treat another person like that. makes me have faith that how i parent is right for us.
thanks again
beckles

[Lollie]

Great big hugs.

I think the woman overreacted and needs to rethink the way she behaves...especially in public lol. I would LOVE to come across her. Kids will be kids.

I hope you are feeling at least a little better now. Take care

[Smoke Jaguar]

How horrible! Naughty lady, more like it!
I'm sure my Oscar will cop this at some stage, because he's so outgoing...now that I've read your post, I'm going to think of some strategies ahead of that inevitability!
I think that from the way you dealt with it, your Oscar will subconsciously realise that it was the lady who had the bigger problem. He will absorb the lesson (not hitting) and also absorb the skill of realising when someone is reflecting their own state of mind rather than what you actually did or said
Maybe it's the scary look of steel on my face, but no-one has dared to suggest I smack my Oscar...I'd be likely to smack that person first and then have to explain to Oscar how mummy did a very bad thing...;P
I DID do a bad thing at the park the other week - I snapped at a lady who was 'telling me off'...so I apologised to her when I saw her again at the carpark. She had her young son with her and I wanted to teach him and Oscar the lesson of humility when you realise you've reacted badly. It doesn't bother me that she was too stunned to take my apology graciously, because both kids heard me apologise and that was what I wanted to impart (she can teach her own kid about being gracious). It's easier to swallow your pride when you know it's for the good of your kids!

[paradise lost]

Is "YOU naughty!" the problem as opposed to "THAT'S naughty"?

I know this is a little O/T, but in dealing with a mum in my toddler group (you'll have seen the thread, most of you have helped, thanks ) i've been thinking more about it. I don't hesitate to say to Esme "That's naughty!" (usually if it's something i've distracted her from 5 times already and she keeps going back to, which, now i think about it, is quite rare) but i never say to her "You're naughty" because she isn't. It's never over hitting either.

With hitting i say "it's not nice to hit, be nice to mumma (or whoever she's hitting) please" and show her "gentle hands" by holding her arms and getting her to stroke instead, unless she's totally enraged in which case i find her something appropriate to hit (like a cushion) while i talk to her about why she feels frustrated (in the hopes that one day she will be able to talk it out instead of hit it out). In fact i think i use "naughty" so rarely because i try to be factually true ("that's dangerous" "that's not nice") so she can see what i say has some sense to it....kwim?

So i guess if this happened to me i would....probably say to Esme that the lady felt hitting was naughty because it's not nice to hit and possibly say (if she said "Esme norty?") "Esme isn't naughty, but it isn't nice to hit is it? That lady was sad when her daughter got hit." Because in a way i think it's ok to teach kids that people of all ages don't usually say what they mean (because she didn't really mean Oscar is across-the-board naughty, just that the hitting was, and was expressing that thoughtlessly and not thinking how literal kids can be) and it's better to look behind the words. But then, am i totally missing something there?

It's funny, i think the main difference for me between middle-of-road parenting and gentle parenting (if that;s what i'm doing) is that the non-gentle parents i know are more reactive, whereas i sit thinking through scenarios to see what the end result will be. Like i have rules for Smee now which will hold fast until she's an adult, whereas her dad lets her do some things which he thinks are cute because she's one which will NOT be cute when she's 3 or 5 or 10, and i thnk changing rules is unfair. He of course thinks i am impossibly strict with her....can't win. LOL.

Anyway, sorry for this ramble-my-thoughts-onto-the-pc. I guess it's just been in my mind with the other lady's techniques.

Bx