Sometimes hard being 'that' friend.

[PumpkinZulu]

I sometimes really struggle with being 'that' friend. The one who has all the info, has BTDT, who people may or may not listen to but will always ask. I have a lot of friends younger than me who are pregnant right now (18ish). I'm finding it especially hard to be diplomatic band respectful of their future choices, not in passing, non of my beeswax, but when I'm directly asked for advice.

There is one girl, who will not breastfeed. She has said its because she's not comfortable with her body, but she's said to me in private that the real reason is because she doesn't want a clingy baby, doesn't want to be housebound (she truly believes one week PP she'll be at the gym every night losing the baby weight) an because she wants the baby to bod with others. I have not once told her what I thought about that, because she's never asked, it's not my place (aside from saying that exercise that soon isn't recommended, that her body needs to recover). But her EDD is next month, and I've been getting a lot of questions from her, filled with really alarming thoughts from her. She's going to exclusively pump, so I've been helping her get ready for that; have linked her to the ABA, shared my pumping knowledge etc. But other things, like her not wanting her child to be a brat, smacking and CIO and sleeping in their own room from birth all make me very uncomfortable. I feel a tug, between not wanting to impose my own ideals onto her, and my desire to educate my generation and help them see a different way (as well as the fact that CIO with a newborn in another room is just dangerous). My passion is imparting young women with knowledge so they can make good and informed choices, but to them, I feel I'd be 'that' judgmental snobby *****. Seeing as this friend and many others clearly want my advice, do I give them my true advice, or generic, 'what they want to hear' type stuff? I've had mixed responses in the past (from losing friendships to having one friend credit me for BFing her son), so I just don't know. My main fear is not for how I'm seen, but how these girls that don't agree with me might feel, in their last weeks of pregnancy, hearing advice they may not agree with and how that might shake their confidence.

[Tinks]

Hmm, that's a hard one. It actually sounds like she could benefit from a young mum's group. Is there one in her area?

[Dansta]

with the CIO in a new born link her up with the studies that show its a risk to SIDS and the affects it can have on the brain. not judgement just all the facts.

I'm fairly forwards about my POV and if asked i give it. i dont pander (althought bull in a china shop = me) to most people they ask tell them. if they know you they'll know how you are raiseing Isla and gotta expect you to tell them what worked for you guys

[Rowellen]

If I were you, I'd give your true advice because your advice is good and your friend is clearly in need of a good reality check. If you are uncomfortable with her choices, I would think that it won't be a lasting friendship anyway ITMS, due to different values. So if she thinks you are being judgemental and dumps you for it, it would have been inevitable. She's asking advice, give it to her straight.

[2CheekyMonkeys]

I'd give her the advice but in a non-threatening non-judgemental way. so, phrase it like 'this is what i did'. 'This is what some people do', 'you might find this will workk better' etc.

[*LittleMissSummer*]

I think right now its all well and good for her to have these 'ideas' of how she will parent and everything but when faced with reality it is usually the wake up call they need.

When i was pregnant i swore i wouldnt co sleep, my baby would have her own bed her own room and that was that. Yep well it didnt turn out that way at all! 6 weeks of getting 2-3 hours sleep a night sure changed my mind and it worked out the best for all of us. Now my DD is yes in her own bed in her own room i had just witnessed my SIL have issues with both her girls getting them into beds and i didn't want that.

I think for now continue to listen to her, offer advice here and there try and bite your tongue and when her bub is here she may really need the support if it all doesn't pan out.

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

What about making a closed facebook group for your friends, where you can answer their questions? Then you can also post articles for them to read without directly telling them yourself.

Also, I think once bub arrives, she may find it difficult to separate herself; a friend of mine had a pretty similar plan, but when her baby arrived, she couldn't let her sleep in another room, couldn't let her out of her sight, she loved her too much! It sounds like your friend doesn't realise the emotional effect of having your own baby, and the only thing that can teach that will be experience.

[AngelPants]

I have to say I'm one of those friends who would be very blunt. There is no sugar coating what is best for the baby. She sounds like all her wants are quite selfish and immature and being a mother is about putting a little person first regardless. She definitely sounds like she could benefit from a person who isn't her friend (and perhaps a bit older, like her mums age) telling her the reality of it.

sent from my watzamajig so may not make sense....

[~Raven~]

I have to say I'm one of those friends who would be very blunt. There is no sugar coating what is best for the baby. She sounds like all her wants are quite selfish and immature and being a mother is about putting a little person first regardless. She definitely sounds like she could benefit from a person who isn't her friend (and perhaps a bit older, like her mums age) telling her the reality of it.

sent from my watzamajig so may not make sense....

I don't think it's fair to say she is selfish. Her attitude could come from how she was brought up or the parenting influences around her. I grew up hearing how I was shut in my room at 2 weeks old to teach me a lesson and it didn't occur to me how wrong that was until I had my own baby in my arms.

[Miss_Dee]

I agree, I don't think it's fair to say she's selfish. Until I did my own research, I thought CIO for example was a GOOD thing. Not because I was selfish but because that's all I'd experienced. Smacking and the threat of smacking was what I grew up with and was what I planned to do, until I researched and saw there are other effective ways to discpline and teach children what is appropriate. My parents were far from selfish and sacrificed so much so me and my sisters never went without. We always felt loved and cared for. They did the best with the knowledge they had, just like this young girl I'm sure is doing the best with the knowledge she has. That's why I think encouraging her to expand on that knowledge is a good idea. Had I not expanded my own knowledge, I too would be planning to make 'selfish' decisions once my child arrives.

[nothing2lose]

Well said Raven. I also think it is perfectly acceptable to be immature at 18 because, well, you are immature at 18!

I think all you can do is offer advice when asked for it PZ, perhaps tempered with a caveat along the lines of "my parenting style/beliefs seem to be very different from what you believe but here is what i'd do....."

I also think there is a difference between giving advice about safety issues and parenting choices or theories. If someone told me outright my theories/beliefs/attitudes were wrong I'd be inclined to tell them to get knotted and think they were being a judgmental biatch. Especially if I was 18. It's partly in the delivery of the message and partly in the content (ie. Which "wrongs" you seek to right) that makes the difference.

[misty]

I think one of the ways to talk to her about breastfeeding, is maybe to point out that breastfeeding consumes more calories and thus make it easier to loose the baby weight.

Otherwise, all you can do is be there to offer advice when its asked for or needed. It is hard to bite your tongue when you think the person is doing something wrong; but unless it is dangerous, I think you do need to only talk when they are being receptive or when asked. Having said I would personally have to say something about CIO / CC, I do believe that those methods can be used successfully, but NOT before 6mths old!!! Certainly not with a newborn! That is neglect with a newborn!
But at the end of the day, you cann't be responsible for others decisions.

[AngelPants]

as i said in a further post, oops it came off really harsh! i am just going on experience of friends who had kids at that age, none of whom had changes of heart on arrival their babies.

[AngelPants]

Oops sorry that comes off quite harsh, its a pet hate of mine is all!

sent from my watzamajig so may not make sense....

[CKJ]

I think definitely be upfront with your knowledge. There's a reason she has asked you, she must respect your decisions as a mother and want to reflect some of that herself.

I wish I had a friend like you when I was a young mum (had dd at 20 and felt so lost and had no guidance)

Good luck

[loulabelle]

I think when she answers direct questions, answer them truthfully. Apply them to yourself , as in " well, I did so and so because so and so" you can be gentle about it by not saying what's wrong with her ideas, but rather what's good with yours iTMS.

Also, I think many mums have ideas when they are pregnant about how they raise their children, but once that little baby is in your arms it's a whole new game. I said I would never co-sleep when pregnant with my first but I've ended up sleeping with all three if them.

That's just my thoughts, obviously I don't know these girls so it's hard to really judge how to go about it.

Good luck.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk so forgive spelling mistakes

[Miss_Dee]

I think offering your experiences (asking "would you like to know what I did" rather than just giving your opinion itms) is a good thing and also encouraging your friend to research her choices. I had some very specific ideas about how I would do things during pregnancy, birth and raising my child and that has all completely changed before I've even given birth. I didn't think I'd worry so much about what I "should or shouldn't" eat while pregnant, I thought I'd be all for every drug possible during labour and would happily elect for a c section, I planned to have baby in their own room, use CIO and other methods that are certainly not considered gentle parenting. After spending a lot of time reading and hearing other people's experiences (not their opinions on what I should do, just what they did) I have definitely changed my mind about a lot of things because I see the benefits of doing things differently. Had I not researched, I wouldn't have realised how beneficial it was for a babies development to be in the same room as Mum and Dad in those first 6-12 months, not to mention the lowered SIDS risk for example.

Researching her decisions may not change anything and she may still stick with her plans, but at least then she is making informed decisions and I think that's really all you can ask from someone.

[onthefly]

Be honest and pass on information and personal experience and reflection. What she does with it is up to her, but it often takes time and space for things to filter through. Standing back a bit, like you're doing, gives her the opportunity to actually digest the information for herself.