Sometimes hard being 'that' friend.

[Miss_Dee]

I think offering your experiences (asking "would you like to know what I did" rather than just giving your opinion itms) is a good thing and also encouraging your friend to research her choices. I had some very specific ideas about how I would do things during pregnancy, birth and raising my child and that has all completely changed before I've even given birth. I didn't think I'd worry so much about what I "should or shouldn't" eat while pregnant, I thought I'd be all for every drug possible during labour and would happily elect for a c section, I planned to have baby in their own room, use CIO and other methods that are certainly not considered gentle parenting. After spending a lot of time reading and hearing other people's experiences (not their opinions on what I should do, just what they did) I have definitely changed my mind about a lot of things because I see the benefits of doing things differently. Had I not researched, I wouldn't have realised how beneficial it was for a babies development to be in the same room as Mum and Dad in those first 6-12 months, not to mention the lowered SIDS risk for example.

Researching her decisions may not change anything and she may still stick with her plans, but at least then she is making informed decisions and I think that's really all you can ask from someone.

[onthefly]

Be honest and pass on information and personal experience and reflection. What she does with it is up to her, but it often takes time and space for things to filter through. Standing back a bit, like you're doing, gives her the opportunity to actually digest the information for herself.

[Smoke Jaguar]

I'd find a good book for her, like Pinky McKay.
You could go deep inside and find the place that houses ll your concern for her wellbeing as a new mum and her new little person's wellbeing and start off by saying "See, the thing is, with these things you think will stop your child being a brat, they are the things that really make a kid think of only themselves and how hard done by they are and turn them into mistrusting teenagers", then back it up with a book that says the same thing or back up your words with things you've read about why CIO is harmful to babies, separated sleeping goes against mammalian evolution and the physical act of breastfeeding builds neural pathways stimulated only by that touch experience. You can go through how no matter how much she wants the baby wants to bond with others, the baby will only readily do so when s/he is secure in her/his relationship with the mother, and that requires all the spesh love, nourishment and holding that she can give, for free, and that will also protect HER from PND, stress and the emotional drain of listening to your baby cry unnecessarily.
Young mums and career woman can be the toughest nuts to crack with the 'surrender' message - to get across that surrendering to what a newborn brings to your life is actually ok and instead of putting a dent in your life, will enhance it with the people skills it brings and the sense of human understanding that can dawn on you if you let it. All the stuff you already know, Lily!
She's asking you because she likes something or a few things about how you do motherhood. What you need to balance here is the wording and timing and what you know. On no account, please, short change your friend and tell her only what you think she wants to hear. Leave your door open and shoot it straight (and empathetically, of course!). She has invited YOUR experience and knowledge xxx

[Starfish]

I agree with what Maya said.

Another thing that you may gently want to tell your friend is that once the baby is born she will likely want to spend all her time with it, but I understand that prior to the baby's birth she might not even be able to imagine this. I consider myself a "career woman" and was never very maternal. I planned to work right up until I went into labour and to go back to work within three weeks of DD being born (just take annual leave - no maternity leave). Well, once DD was born, all that went out the window - so chances are that your friend may feel completely differently after the birth.

If she does keep asking questions, talk to her about why she plans to do what she wants to do, in a non-judgmenal way and maybe direct her to some research - someone posted a good article on FB today about breastfeeding helping you to lose weight, so maybe find it and send it to her, etc.

Oh, and the best thing that you can do as a friend is to be there for her after the baby is born. Don't worry so much about what she says now, as chances are she will change her mind.

[Charlotte91]

I exclusively pumped for nearly 2 months while DD was in hospital. It's not fun, it's not easy. It's hard work, and now that I'm BF'ing DS I can honestly say that BF'ing is so much easier and more enjoyable. (although it wasn't so fun the first few days).
And being 6 days PP, there is NO way I'm thinking about going to the gym or losing weight. I can still barely walk around the house without getting too puffed. I just have no energy yet.

I think a young mum's group would be good for her, as well as some antenatal and breastfeeding classes.
The thought of a newborn CIO in their own room makes me cry.

There's some really good advice here. I hope everything works out.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

PZ, you want to give advice for the best reasons - because you believe you will help a mother have realistic expectaions and help her child.

Personally, I never liked "you should" advice. But I loved hearing stories about "When my child was that age I did XYZ", even when XYZ was completely different to what I planned to do/was doing/did.

[Smoke Jaguar]

Whatever you do, as TFB has intimated, don't 'should'! 'Could' is much better, because it opens it up to the listener that it's something they can decide to take up (informed choice), rather than being prescribed a course of action, which no-one likes 'Shoulding' also implies that the person must come into line with the values of the speaker, and that's why 'shoulds' sit so badly with people, because we all come from such different value bases, and 'should-ing' someone tells them that you think their values are wrong, instead of letting them evaluate which values need adjusting to achieve a desireable goal.
Make sense? You'll get so much further by changing your language, because when you choose your language carefully you are automatically changing your approach to a more considerate one that cares about the person you're speaking to

[Melbournemumma]

I'd find a good book for her, like Pinky McKay.
She has invited YOUR experience and knowledge xxx

I was going to say exactly the same thing Mayaness. I reckon get her a good book that supports some of the more gentle approaches. I did this with a friend of mine. They had been given one book and I gave them another as an alternative point of view. In the long run, all parents want to do the best for their child, some just aren't quite aware of just how damaging some decisions could be.

Big Lily. It's not easy sometimes, but be assured that if she's come to you for advice she obviously respects you and want an honest opinion.

[Sagres]

Firstly I wouldn't discount the difference in her attitude when the baby actually arrives. You know before you've had your first baby and before you've felt that rush of hormones and held that little body who is totally dependent on you, you do think all sorts of crazy things. But this does change for a lot of women. Women go from certain they will take 6 weeks maternity leave to actually having a year off just because it is so different when the time comes. So I guess don't assume she will continue in the same track she is heading now.

Other than that I would answer questions saying what you would do 'when I was faced with X, I did Y, because I felt Z'. Like 'when DD was a newborn I fed her overnight as she demanded it, because their little tummies are so small they can't keep themselves going for a whole night without a refill', that kind of thing. Personally I wouldn't quote statistics because I know if some one did it to me it wouldn't help! When in doubt I always go for the old 'lots of my friends have found XYZ' because it doesn't sound preachy, just observational You know, something like 'lots of my friends with babies the same age have found that even if they did CIO the baby was still hungry/wet/hot/cold/in pain and woke up 15 minutes later and the cycle continued, they said it was quicker and easier just to do a feed/nappy change/feed/cuddle, cover the basics and have a content sleeping baby'.

Other than that I would try to encourage her to listen to and trust her own instinct. The fact is as mothers we are driven by instinct to pick up that crying baby and feed it and to hold a baby close and comfort it. It is when we let other ideas and interference that we stop listening to that instinct and start using 'rules'. I would try to instill in her that her immediate instinct when her baby is crying is probably the right one - attend to what ever is making it cry.

On the becoming a clingy baby thing - I dunno that sounds a bit like there is something underlying she is worried about, like she doesn't feel comfortable with affection or close contact or she is scared about being a bad mother and want lots of other people to be around to help. I think I would try and work out if there is something underlying and try to break that down a bit, but other than that I would perhaps discuss that the cause and effect of child behavior is way more complex than just no BF-not clingy and there are many many contributing factors to what could cause a child to be clingy. Or not factors at all, they could just be born that way, BUT the opposite can often be true, if a baby or toddler feels like they aren't getting the attention they need they will often cling to whatever attention they do get and NEVER let go. If they feel like they get enough attention and are secure in the knowledge that mum is there for them IF something bad happens, they will more likely to confidently go out into the world to explore and learn.