The *down* side to gentle parenting?

**jackrose** · February 1st, 2011, 06:29 PM

I need to clarify before I post anything here that I am - or have always thought of myself as a gentle parent, and I believe in and am even passionate about the basic philosophy behind it.

I am going through a real challenge at the moment as I once again find myself at the crossroads. Gentle parenting has broken me for the second time, with my second daughter. I only wish that all the co-sleeping, baby wearing, gentle time I have spent with my daughters would translate into a peaceful rewarding relationship, but for me it has taken me to some of the worst places I could imagine as a mother.

Don't get me wrong, it has also given me the best, and most rewarding moments also, but this parenting caper is such a challenge, such a mixed bag and such a difficult thing to manage that I just can't make gentle parenting work for all the belief I have in it.

I also truly believe that a sane mother is better than an insane one and because of sleep deprivation, I am teetering towards insane at the moment so I am having to leave behind some of my strongly held gentle parenting beliefs, as much as I really don't want to. And this is where my question fits. Is the down side to gentle parenting the fact that if you cannot maintain it you feel like more of a failure than if you never entertained thoughts of it in the first place? A real side effect of gentle parenting for me is the terrible guilt I feel at not being able to meet it's standards. Maybe if I never bothered to read Margot Sutherland's book or Pinky McKay, or "The Continuum Concept" I would not feel so damn terrible.

I know that when I get over this hurdle, I can re-visit gentle parenting, I just hate that it has led to me being as overtired and as insane as I am right now cos I know better.

Just have to get that out.

**onthefly** · February 1st, 2011, 06:36 PM

WHy not throw away the labels and do what works best for you all?

**boomba** · February 1st, 2011, 06:52 PM

WHy not throw away the labels and do what works best for you all?

:yeahthat: Big hugs hun I think we all reach a point where every type of parenting gets thrown out the window and you do what you have to to cope! Big hugs xxx

**Trillian** · February 1st, 2011, 06:39 PM

Honestly, I think that there would be very few people who could read those books, adopt that philosophy and have it go easy peasy without any troubles. What I have learnt is that we can read all the parenting books in the world, but our kids don't read those same books so sometimes it kinda ends up with you trying to fit a square peg in a round hole kwim? I think that it is probably being overly ambitious of anyone to think that they can get it to work exactly as it says in the books - sometimes they might and that's awesome, but the reality would be that some parents would have to make concessions if they are going to make anything work.

So what I reckon is stop trying to put so much pressure on yourself to be a certain type of parent and just be yourself, because I'm sure being yourself and just doing whatever works for you and the girls on that particular day is going to be far better for everyone involved as opposed to you trying to stick to something that sounds like it isn't working and making you a mess in the process. Your girls aren't going to care that you followed Pinky or the continuum concept down to the the last letter, they are going to care that you do whatever works for all of you

And that doesn't mean you are a sellout, or not a gentle enough parent, all that means is that you realise that sometimes your little square pegs need a square hole even if the book says they need the round one

**beckoes** · February 1st, 2011, 06:40 PM

hugs, what ever your going through sounds hard and i have sympathy for you. some times when i was in DDs room for the 3rd hour straight rocking her to sleep and i thought of other mums who just let there kids cry a bit for a few nights then they settle them selves to sleep id hate the way i had chosent o do things and would think ''what difference would it really make in ten years time'' ''would she even notice if i just let her cry a bit''

What ever you decide to do is for the best for you and your children!!! you need to find what works for you all, even if you just take one idea from the book and then work that into your own stuff! hugs and good luck, hope your probs sort them selves out!

**Ozziehoffy** · February 1st, 2011, 06:43 PM

aye aye aye aye! Yup, know how you feel and actually said to a couple of friends today... me + gentle parenting today = EPIC fail on every level! Ooooh boy do I hear you.

**jackrose** · February 1st, 2011, 06:56 PM

I guess labels are exactly the problem.

and I feel the problem is also that I have been trying to do what feels right, what has felt natural for me and the kids and I have been please and proud of how beautifully they have responded to me. I just wish that there was more sleep! It is really only the sleep deprivation that has driven me to this point of despair and unfortunately that has made me into an irritable, intolerant mother who is so far from what I want to be.

I am more realistic than to try to follow the advice of such books to the letter, and it is not that I am down on myself for not living like the Amazonian Indians or never letting my children cry, because believe me, I know when a little bit of crying or less than textbook mothering is not the end of the world. I just feel that I am beyond that and have begun to behave in a way that I am really not proud of. I don't even want to mention some of the things I have done or thought today as it is certainly more than just being hard on myself.

Anyway, I'm visiting with my MCHN tomorrow and have put other avenues of support into place, I am just interested in the feelings I am having of (I guess) 'grief' at not being able hold it together. ...or even shame at some of the ways I have delt with things.

... and I have no inspiration to be a perfect parent

**BellyBelly** · February 1st, 2011, 07:00 PM

I'd have low points on my gentle parenting journey too, resort to less gentle methods and then go back to it when I was stronger. I think the big thing is support. All methods of parenting work better with extra hands, support and most importantly - giving more to yourself. You can so easily burn out with gentle parenting if you dont have this. Do you have other people around you who can come and give you some help for a while? Makes a huuuuuge difference.

**onthefly** · February 1st, 2011, 07:04 PM

You're not alone feeling like this jackrose.
It's a very clear sign that you need rest and time out - I hope you can find the support and help to let you do that.
There is no such thing as a perfect parent, just like there's no perfect child.

**Shanti** · February 2nd, 2011, 11:53 AM

There is no such thing as a perfect parent, just like there's no perfect child.

Great advice

You're doing a wonderful job, you just need some time out and sounds like you could do with some "me" time.....what are things you enjoy?

eta - I found around 8mths of age was a really challenging time of parenting for us!! DD's sleep went totally haywire and I was absolutely exhausted, for months...... you will get through this chick xx

**jackrose** · February 1st, 2011, 07:09 PM

I'd have low points on my gentle parenting journey too, resort to less gentle methods and then go back to it when I was stronger. I think the big thing is support. All methods of parenting work better with extra hands, support and most importantly - giving more to yourself. You can so easily burn out with gentle parenting if you dont have this. Do you have other people around you who can come and give you some help for a while? Makes a huuuuuge difference.

You know what, this is exactly it.

DH works faaaar to many hours in the day, 7 days a week and I do feel like a work-a-holic widow, (with a third child when he is here

) Plus he is about to head off for another overseas trip this week....

This is burnout for me and it is not the end of the world as I can still see the forest for the trees, I can see it for what it is. I am keenly aware that I need support and do what I can to arrange it. I just really wish that some of the parenting I had employed to date resulted in a baby who slept for more than 2 hours at a time... or a husband who got it when I said, I am exhausted, please help, let me sleep.

With regards to the other people who can help, I did have help from mum in the last few weeks but was so sleep deprived I have reached the level of insomnia and couldn't get to sleep when I had the chance. Seem to be addicted to those bf sleepy hormones

So i guess my next question to consider is "does gentle parenting only work with support?"

(ETA: this is really just me thinking things through in a way)

**Arcadia** · February 1st, 2011, 07:26 PM

Oh, I could have written your post (in fact I may have) when DD was 8 months old...the only thing that saved my sanity was going home to my parents for a week and SERIOUSLY sleeping. I mean, I only had the baby for feeds, and everything else was done for me.

YES gentle parenting works better with help...in fact ALL parenting works better with help.

You sound isolated and overwhelmed, and frankly very darn lucid for someone so fatigued.

Is is possible to keep some of your philosophies about GP, while still getting support? Can you call on relatives for a "holiday" wiuth only one child, or for some meals, or some cleaning duties.

It is very hard to ask for help, but even harder to cope without it. Where are you based? Could some local BBers come and give you a hand.

You're not alone in this.

Let go of the guilt (some advice I need to take). This too shall pass, and right now you sound like you're in survival mode...do whatever it takes to get you through!!

thinking of you

**Shades** · February 1st, 2011, 08:57 PM

Thank you so so much for posting this thread. I've been thinking it was just me who was having trouble sometimes. It's good to know I'm not alone - and that it doesn't make me a failure or a bad mummy!!

**Mummato2** · February 2nd, 2011, 07:21 AM

I love the idea of getting rid of the labels lovely.

I can't call myself a gentle parent - but I also don't believe in harsh parenting (lots of yelling, smacking etc)

If I had to describe my way, it'd be in the middle.

We don't co-sleep - I love my alone time with DH way too much after a full day of cuddling, feeding, playing etc with my 2 babies.

We use sleep "routines" (not schedules) because the thought of having a baby dependant on me to be able to fall asleep and stay asleep didn't appeal to me.

We introduced solids early due to reflux AND because my DD is a little piggy LOL

We use time out, occasionally a "smack" on the bottom if my nearly 3 year old is especially defiant and talking isn't stopping the behaviour. A swift smack on his nappy is normally enough to get him to stop so I can then concentrate on either time out, diverting attention etc/

Darling, there are no "down sides" to parenting if YOU do what's right for YOU xxxx

You know the old saying "it takes a village to raise a child" - well when you get into a situation like this, it's time to call on the village!

Try to take some pressure off yourself and know that you are a beautiful mumma - a wonderful lady and you are doing your best. Don't place unrealistic superwoman expectations on yourself - all that will do is cause you to stress more....

Have you got a good support system around you honey? xxxxxxxxxxxxxx