toddler annoying baby

[Jaapie]

Our 2 yo son is pretty rough with his little sister (10 wks) and I was wondering what we could try to stop it. I wouldn't go so far as to say that he deliberately hurts her, but the cuddles are usually that little bit too 'squashy' and he will 'nip' at her cheeks and scalp with his fingers - like a little pinch. Not hard enough that I feel I can discipline him for hurting her, but certainly more than she or I are happy with! He also loves to give her frights by dropping things or suddenly screaming at the top of his lungs.

I tried ignoring the screaming which worked for a while, but he's started up again (possibly because L finds it difficult to ignore stuff and usually makes some sort of comment). Now I try to just get up, take Jade and go to another room without saying a word. But I'm not sure if that's such a good treatment. I guess if I include him again as soon as he stops . . . . (sorry, thinking on-line!!)

The roughness I find really difficult to deal with. I get pretty annoyed with him, and myself for not being able to protect her (it just happens so fast!). I've tried turning my back on him and telling him that if he can't play gently then he can't play with Jade. But I don't think that's really getting through. In the last couple of days we've tried just taking Jade away to another room, but that's not going to help his feelings of isolation and I also don't want him to think that he can make her go away by being rough.

Obviously we explain over and over again that she is little and gets hurt easily and that she is his little sister and he must help us look after her. We make a big fuss when he is gentle and point out how she then smiles at him.

How do you stop this sort of behaviour without upsetting his delicate balance and at the same time helping to foster a close relationship?

Thanks, as always, for your input.

[KatieRabbit]

Just read your post now and was wondering how Kai is going with little Jade?

[Jaapie]

Oh Hi Katie Rabbit - I was just signing on to re-post my troubles. I am at my wits end. Every time he goes near her, he's doing something he shouldn't. He's going to start resenting her because he's always being told ... don't, not, stop, etc.

I try to let the small stuff slide but it's more than I can allow. I've tried:

• turning my back on him when I'm holding her
• saying "if you can't play gently with Jade, then you can't play with her"
• explaining that he's her big brother, she's little, we have to look after her
• showing him how she's not happy when he does that and we want her to be happy
• gave him a stamp after his day nap because he'd been gentle all morning (that was on Sat, we were at a party all day Sun, so he didn't interact with her much. And today he's been too rough by 11am so the stamp was revoked)
• leaving the room with her when he's shouting at her

None of it seems to have ANY impact. He was pretty into the stamp idea, but how long is that going to appeal and I want him to WANT to be gentle with her. When he's having a good day, I can often re-direct his attention: get him to hold the toy away from her face so she can see it (instead of grinding it into her face), point out how she smiles at him then, etc, etc. But on a bad day . . . I am really gushing with praise when he is gentle with her, or interacts positively and I tell him all day how much I love him. I give him as many kisses and cuddles as I can, especially after b/fing her (quite a big issue for him I think). And I spend every possible minute with him (in between laundry and cooking dinner, etc).

I feel all teary today. He has always been such a lovely, gentle boy, it's distressing to see him doing this. I know it's partly an age thing. . . and I know it's coming from his insecurity, but I just don't know what else I can try that will make them both happy.

Got any ideas?

[LuluHB]

I find that DD#1 can be a bit too rough sometimes with DD#2. TBH I think a lot of it is an age thing and there is a huge amount of jealousy there too. I find that if I sit with both of them so they can "play" together then its pretty good - there have been some gorgeous moments lately of DD#1 sitting holding DD#2's hand, or stroking her very gently, or bringing her toys if she's upset. It definitely seemed to make DD#1 more determined to act inappropriately in the early days if I told her not to hurt her little sister, but while I tend to try to ignore her when she does "naughty" things like turn the tv off, I can't ignore it when it could injure DD#2. I never, ever leave the two of them in a room together unsupervsed - even if its just to go to the toilet or something. I have a play pen that I pop DD#2 into so that she is safe from her big sister's attentions.

Its still really early days for your DS yet - 10 weeks is nothing really and its a huge adjustment for him. He will settle down and be more gentle with his little sister. Just keep doing what you're doing (which sounds great!) and I'm sure he'll soon turn a corner and allow you to relax a little.

[mummy of many]

Jaapie,hun it sounds like your doing all the right things hun,it`s just the age difference and wanting your attention all the time,I think most of us have been through this before and although it can be very stressful,you must just stay firm with what you mean,they do out grow this,but sadly some kids just seem to want more of mummies attention than others.Our 2 year old is a terror atm,he wont leave our 9 month old alone and takes away all his toys,we are firm with him and make him go and give them back,but to be honest he is so jealous of his brother i wont leave them alone in the same room together,as our 9 month old is just starting to crawl,he enjoys plenty of floor time but i can`t trust our 2 year old as he has tried to run over him with toy trucks,pull his arms and legs,things will improve hun,try and stay strong,kids are always testing us,ay!!! take care and here`s a big try not to get upset,it`s all part of parenting,lol.but they do know how to push our buttons sometimes.