Toddler tantrums, how to manage him scratching, hitting me before I lose my mind

[littlelara]

Hi,
I can hear how frustrated and hurt you must be, of course it's hard not to take these things personally, you love this little terror
We have a time out area that is sectioned off with a baby gate and is completely apart from the living area. When ds is feral I calmly take his hand and walk him over to the door and in he goes in there and I come back after two minutes and call out "Sorry?" sometimes he will say no, in which case I go away and come back in another 2. It can go for quite a while (he gets his stubbornness from dp, I don't have the attention span) but eventually he says sorry, comes out, gives dd (who he has probably bitten to be put in there in the first place) a cuddle and says sorry.
I just can't let him win.
I seem to remember reading that they have more testosterone at this time than any other, so that may have something to do with it too.
Good luck, I'm sure it will pass, you just need to be consistent. Hard when it's not your house though, huh?

[smiles4u]

I will be watching this thread for ideas for my friend who is a single Mum to twin girls the same age doing the same things ... she is just beside herself & doesn't know what to do ... She has asked me for help but as my DD never did ' most ' of these things i honestly don't have a lot of advise for her but i want to help her desperately (they both bite & hit my DD when we visit them ... i even had one rip my hair out & badly scratch me) !!

............... I so hope you get some ideas from members here to help your DS and your sanity too xoxoxoxox

[Rivlas]

When my GS gets cranky he has to sit on a chair for a certain amount of time. This has really worked and he also knows we will also put him on a chair should it be needed when he is here.

Sure kids will push, but like us all, they need to know boundaries and know what the consequences are if they overstep them.

[Lulu]

I can expand now I don't have a stereo tantrum going with both my children (in which case I held the door shut because my doors don't close properly).

So things are different with living somewhere else, the combined efforts of your family and you feeling like people are watching your every move will cause you to feel far more stressed tham usual. Especially things like hitting and spitting. That does have to be held in check for sure..but it's really not easy is it

If you can outwardly remain calm (even in the face of saliva!), and remove him from the situation (and the audience) it will go far. Right now he needs to know that no matter where you are, mummy will react the same way - by showing him that it's not ok. You are his sanctuary in the weirdness of being somewhere different.

I find in my household that giving a reaction, like raised voices, indignation etc only give rise to the next level of tantrum. If they hit, kick or go nuts - they are walked to their rooms calmly (whilst I scream my frustration in my head). When they are calm, they come out. Hugs or cuddles given and it's all over with.

Time out doesn't always work with all kids. Maybe the chair might work better for you (total exclusion can be hard on some kids) - with my son he needed a far longer time out than usual, because it takes a while to wind him down and any input can make it worse.

I'm not sure if a sorry is totally necesarry, some kids just REFUSE to say it and imho it's not worth semantics and it's a word. A cuddle and a love is just as good (again imho).

It can be hard to remain consistent when you are tired and overwhelmed..but do try your very best. In the face of other people insinuating I should smack my kids I just held my hand up in a 'shuudup' kinda way and continued along the way I felt worked best.

GL xoxoxo

[~clover~]

Oh we've got the pinching, scratching, biting, kicking & weeing here too! No spitting yet, lol.

Problem here is that I thing DS is too young for discipline. I'm just not sure what to use. If he hits with something I take it away & tell him he's not to hit, but when he hears that word he swings at me!
He's only 20 months old. I'm not sure what on earth to do. I'e tried everything.

ATM I've resorted to intervention & distraction when its another child, & no attention when he does it to me. If I give him attention he'll laugh & do it again, or crack it & get worse. I'm preayng its just a phase. That he has no idea how to handle his frustrations yet, so he takes it out on me, & he feels threatened when he takes it out on other kids. He's been hurt by them & needs to get in there first to make sure they stay away from his toy or what ever he's worried about.

[sasha]

We are getting this daily with S at the moment (no spitting right now, but that comes and goes too). Not everything works all the time, but things I've noticed:

- he is VERY observant. He notices everything, from how I make my tea in the morning to whether M and I are arguing about something eg we bickered about something the other day, and S immediately took my side telling Daddy off, hmm, that was an eye opener! It wasn't even a real, yelling argument, either! So for him, the way others are acting around him would make a huge difference. I don't think home environment can be underestimated (so hopefully sweetpea things might improve when you move back to your own place)

- food is very important. Obvious, I know, but S tends to get so involved in playing and pretending and dancing and digging that he doesn't want to eat. I've worked out if I can get the food IN before he gets hungry rather than trying to convince him to eat when he's kind of past it, then behaviour improves a lot.

- yelling doesn't work for us. I've tried it, and he can yell as loud. And he screams, which I kind of draw the line at. So I just speak very calmly and quietly with him, and try and ask what it is that he wants, and most of the time he has to stop screaming to hear what I'm saying.

- when he can calm enough to tell me what he wants, then we negotiate I know you're not supposed to negotiate with terrorists, but this is how it works:

S: I want [insert request]
B: We're not having/doing [request] right now. You can play outside, or you can play with your train tracks.
[S screams, throws head about, stamps on floor, bangs on door - you get the picture]
B: S, do you need to go for time out to calm down?
S: NOOOOOO!
B: OK, so what do you want to do? Go outside or play with the train tracks?
S: Go outside!

And off he goes. This is a bit of a truncated version, obviously, and about half the time it ends in time out first Also I've discovered that the choices should both be ones that I'm happy with - sometimes he doesn't choose the one I thought he would and if I wasn't going to follow through on one of them, then I'm stuck with doing something I didn't really want to do!! Oops!

- we always talk about it later. I think that might be helping - it certainly helps with the washing hair phobia we're having at the moment. We talk about how hot and tired it makes him when he has a tantrum, and how sad we both get when he gets upset. I try to get him to understand why it is I won't let him do or have something, so it's not just arbitrary rules.

- distraction can be good, but only works some of the time. Plus he's getting wise to that and has a disturbingly good memory.

Sorry about the novel. I should add that as far as I've found, when it comes to changing behaviour, it's a long haul, and it alters gradually. Hope things are looking up... at least you know you're not alone!