Thanks for your replies. I have Steve Biddulph's book and read it again a coule of weeks ago but the techniques don't seem to be as effective as I like... I think I live in the same town as him- maybe I should try to get him for a consultation!
I may have read "raising your spirited child" a couple of years ago but can't recall clearly so I will get a library copy and see how I go- now you mention it it is rining a bell and I think it may be helpful.
It is just my husband and myself with the two boys and running our own business- we are in Tasmania and have no family or close friends here. I use daycare for our youngest one but our five year old's school day finishes at 2.50 which means I still have to work in the business and care for him so breaks are few and far between for us!