Transition and consistency when moving back towards gentler parenting?

[Jessiebean]

I have two very boisterous boys, I know that they FEEL things very strongly but find they scream at me whenever something isn't how they would like, particularly our 5 year old. example: he bursts into tears and screams at me because I put tomato sauce on his lentil burgers "You should have known that chilli sauce would have been much better with this meal, how could you put tomato sauce on it? What were you thinking?". So I calmly explain I will put chilli sauce on as well and he calms instantly but I don't!
This is just one example but our 3.5 year old is still trantrumming and ignoring what I ask and both scream at me if I change anything. I have had a hard time with some PND with son #2 and have never consistently got back into gentle parenting. I know they need me to be calm to help them but I would really welcome some input on getting back into consistent gentle parenting so it isn't too jarring for our boys...as you might guess they don't transition well- either of them!

[HotI]

You can do gentle parenting without being a doormat. I don't like doing things if people are yelling them at me. In your example, Tell him you need him not to yell and to talk to you properly. When he asks for the chilli sauce nicely then i would get it for him.

[Jessiebean]

I do explain that I am not going to do things for people who are yelling at me (or tantrumming) but I find my stress levels go through the roof after a few rounds of being screamed at , then I get angry and punish so the consistency isn't there.. it isn't how I want to parent... I find it so exhausting!

[Ginger]

Have you read Steve biddup's 'raising happy children' book? I find he has some good strategies for dealing with this sort of behavior in there.

[HotI]

i am reading "Raising your spirited child' at the moment. it talks about working out your child's temperament in a few different categories and then working with your child's strengths (i think that is what it is saying, i'm still reading).

do you have much family support? you sound like you need a break to get your energy back.

[Jessiebean]

Thanks for your replies. I have Steve Biddulph's book and read it again a coule of weeks ago but the techniques don't seem to be as effective as I like... I think I live in the same town as him- maybe I should try to get him for a consultation!
I may have read "raising your spirited child" a couple of years ago but can't recall clearly so I will get a library copy and see how I go- now you mention it it is rining a bell and I think it may be helpful.
It is just my husband and myself with the two boys and running our own business- we are in Tasmania and have no family or close friends here. I use daycare for our youngest one but our five year old's school day finishes at 2.50 which means I still have to work in the business and care for him so breaks are few and far between for us!

[Jessiebean]

oh I am having a hard time of it. I can't have them playing for five minutes without having to ask them to be quieter (they are EXTREMELY loud constantly) or stop them destroying something or potentially endangering themselves. I find we can't take them places because the "looking after the boys" aspect is so stressful for us.
phew.

[kateo]

I am a fairly new mum but I am a behaviour management teacher for primary aged kids.
One very simple thing that might work for you as a starting point is to "set things up".
In other words don't get the kids to start playing and then tell them to be quiet. Instead set them up to play how you'd like them to.
Like" Ok lads, mum has still got a bit of work to do but it will be done quicker and we can go for a run in the park if you help. You can help by playing XXX game and this is how loud it can get (demonstrate level of noise) If you get bored with that you could also do this XXX."
If they even slightly come close to the request follow through with the suggested outing/treat.
Try about 10-20 mins of this type of thing and gradually stretch to an hour as they get better at it.
Chatting to them as you travel to home from care is a great place to do the "setting up". They are stuck listening to you. You can control outside noise (radio other people chatting) and you can reinforce any important things like " if XXX gets broken then we won't be able to go to the park 'cause we'll have to spend time fixing it".
You can also get them to tell back what you want.
I takes time to establish but it might work.
Good luck to you and you are already doing a wonderful job as you have identified what you want to fix.
Go gently
Kate