Unsolicited advice and criticism - what you want to say or have said

[ll80]

My general response, before I got pg again, when someone asked me when I was going to give DD a brother or a sister was "When you pop one out for me!"
Generally shuts them up and they can't get away quick enough, especially those busy body old people who pester you in the streets.

None of anyones business what you choose to do with your family.

When I was co sleeping with DD if I got asked about her sleeping I'd just say she sleeps in a Queen bed and sleeps very well, I don't really need to get up at all.
That's cause I was next to her lol, but they didn't need to know that.
She still sleeps in a Queen but likes to sleep by herself now.
I go by Need to Know Basis, just give them enough info to shut them up, I don't care what people think about what I do, I do what's right for me.

[Rouge]

Oh yes we get the hair thing *ALL* the time! Seth has curls, I'm not a fan of the short back and sides. So he has a 70's/skater boy hair cut and we love it. I have had women say to me in shopping centres "Oh aren't you scared he'll get lice?!" WTF?!

Everyone likes to make comments on anything they can. If someone says something about the way you parent simply say "Oh sorry did you think I was complaining?" In *that* patronising tone, you'll soon find people will think before they speak.

I guess I'm pretty lucky apart from the hair thing, and the obvious looks at my daughters choice in fashion we don't seem to get many comments, maybe I'm too scary looking to even go there *snaps fingers in front of face* Oh speaking of get *the look* down pat and people won't even bother commenting LOL!

[fionas]

TBH, I find that people usually ask me a pretty general question first like, "how's motherhood going?" "Is she a good baby etc".

So my usual response is "she's a very easy baby. Sleeps a lot and barely cries. I'm very lucky."

So if the conversation then turns to sleeping arrangements (she's still in our room at 13 months and sometimes in our bed too) - they don't feel like they can criticise because I've just waxed lyrical about how easy she is.

The only thing that has annoyed me recently was a friend who seemed shocked that I wouldn't let her give DD a biscuit. At first she was, "what she can't chew a biscuit" as if thinking that DD wasn't capable of eating it and I just said "she's NOT having a bloody biscuit." So I think she then 'got it' that it was my choice not to feed her that.

I'm slowly trying to tell my friends that I couldn't give a stuff how they give birth/parent etc. but nor do I expect them to make comments about how I parent UNLESS I ask them for advice. Similarly I would never pass comment on what they do unless they asked my advice either.

[Phteven]

LOL we get the hair thing as well because Imran has gorgeous long hair - lots of people think he's a girl which cracks me up because he's such a butch little guy. Yasin's favourite colour at the moment is pink so if I let him buy his own clothes when we shop they're all pink. Between the pink with a butch haircut and the flowing locks with butch clothes my boys get a lot of bewildered double takes lol.
Thanks for the reminder re nagging about babies. SIL has an only child and DH has been harassing her about it and I've been meaning to have a word with him but it slipped my mind.

[thepixie]

For BF'ing "I'm too cheap to buy formula" Or "it saves on milk/juice"
For co-sleeping "it's cheaper than an electric blanket - not to mention more environmentally friendly"
For siblings "Oh I hate my siblings, I wouldn't want to inflict that on DS/DD"
for haircuts - "We're waiting till he has enough hair so we can give it to a charity that makes wigs for cancer sufferers"

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

The other day, I went to a GP about my sleeping problems and co-sleeping came up . . . the b!tch goes "She sleeps in your bed?! Well that's a problem in itself" dumb cow. I had no idea what to say to that or any of her other stupid comments.

[Smoke Jaguar]

Now you do, Nee!! Only someone who hasn't done it (and not just 'we fell asleep together a couple of times'...that' doesn't count!) could ever think it's a problem Dumb@rse!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

My GP is lovely but if there is a hint of a trouble she tells me to use disposable nappies! Aside from the fact his nappy rash had almost gone then sposies at Nursery gave him a fungal infection in just 8 hours of sposies... he likes cloth, I like cloth, don't rock the boat that floats!

I tend to laugh off the "but that will kill him" comments - or say "not really, after all the WHO say... [blinded by science bit] and so we're both happy with it." The breastfeeding comments I just said that I got a lie-in so that was great - an extra half-hour in bed because DS was feeding is needed some days. Most people just asked if I wanted to wear nice undies, maybe because I would flash other mothers when they asked (I had nice BFing bras too). Or say that my DH found my undies sexy so why should I worry what they thought.

Random old biddies I just smile at and agree with - yes, he IS very happy being in his sling. Yes, he DOES love cuddles, don't you wish all boys did? A rod for my back would be great, I have some period pain right now and could do with that for pain relief thanks. My husband loves babywearing too so no, no complaints from him. He's a good boy, yes - oh you mean sleep, well he's sleeping well, thanks for asking. (He did almost six hours straight last night, that's good.)

And no, we don't want more children. We love DS very much but don't want another just yet, we want a big age gap. Good that your children like each other but I know many children with a 2-3 year gap who hate each other, I want my children further apart. Or closer, but that didn't happen so we're leaving it for now. Oh was that too much information for you?

DS has a #4 hair cut and wears all blue and we're STILL told what a beautiful girl we have. Last one was three months ago so maybe people are getting the hint. Don't know if you've seen his pictures but he is SUCH a young man and it's a shame we had to go the all-blue route just to try to stop the girl comments. He now wears more funky colours but give him a cardigan and he's a girl again!

[christy]

at the lice comments Cailin!! I would have said "we keep his hair dirty and greasy to keep the lice away, you know they only like clean hair?"

[Nelle]

Ahhh yes. As if I'd cut Riv's hair! Mmmm, so scrummy and celebrity-child-like. Tell you what I get:

Blonde hair! Who does he get that off?
- I had an affair.

Cloth nappies...blah blah blah (I don't really listen).
- Sometimes disposables explode.

It's irresponsible not to immunise your children.
- Jesus wasn't immunised.

I do try to reason with people as much as I can, an honest question deserves an honest answer. Although, sometimes to say 'yes, yes' in a soothing tone is the best way to deal with old biddies, they feel they've been heard, you get left alone, win win.

If someone was really having a go though, I suppose I'd just say 'we're really happy with the way we parent'. Or 'our parenting choices aren't up for debate today'. They're good blanket comments.

All the best, make sure you practice your lines of choice though, so they come naturally at the moment you need them, and you're not like 'umm ahh...your mum'. Or something. And don't doubt your parenting because of people who haven't won the right to be heard, stick with people who share the same philosophies for your discussions, so you know it's safe to share your concerns.

[paradise lost]

Are you STILL BFing? You should really stop!

OMG! Are you not!? Is that even SAFE? Aren't you worried about him/her!? Is that good for his/her development?! (basically anything anyone can say that is "bad" about BFing can be turned around for this).

Oh, thank goodness you're here to give genital advice - i REALLY need to do something about my pubic hair!

I'm going to, in about 3 minutes when he's finished...

Still only one kid eh?

- Yes, i had a severe anal prolapse after the birth, so we're waiting until the dangling bits are back where they should be (NOT a slight against those unfortunate enough to have suffered any kind of prolapse, it's just i've not found ANYTHING people would rather not talk about more than anal prolapse).

- What!? He's an identical twin! His brother's with his dad, we swap each weekends...

- I know! It turns out we've been using the wrong hole all this time - he's pretty much a medical miracle himself!

Bx

[Sammiejane]

- I know! It turns out we've been using the wrong hole all this time - he's pretty much a medical miracle himself!

Oh that killed me!

when people asked me when i was pg why i didnt find out the sex of our baby i found that it was getting annoying explaining over and over that its no more convenient to not find out... so i started saying when people asked me what i was having ... A Horse/elephant/monkey what ever took my fancy that day and explained that it was necessary to find out so that we could make necessary sleeping arrangements and also have tailor made clothes...

Anyway i have a general apology to make to all those that dont cut hair... i, in the past thought that it was weird and would raise my eyebrows at a friend that had a little boy who never had a haircut and at 4 yrs old had hair to his waist.

I dont understand the reason behind it, sorry for hijaking, (if someone could explain i would appreciated it) but i am sorry that i made comments, as i know how annoying it is to be told things about the way that i parent..

The ones that i get a lot are, why dont you switch to FF before she gets teeth, cloth nappies yuck, how could you do that to your baby (to which i reply how could YOU do disposables to your baby, chemicals etc)

[Smoke Jaguar]

Sammijane - I don't think there's a 'hair philosophy' I can help you out with! My own reasons are various: he looks cute with long hair, it's curly and seems to be growing out straight and I"m hanging on to what could be the last vestiges of curl (maybe until puberty, maybe ever!), the curly ends are still sunkissed from last summer and it looks interesting because of it, because I'm not going to give him his first haircut so that strangers might know he's a boy (he doesn't care what he is or what sex he looks like right now and whoever doesn't know doesn't need to know), I don't want to take the chance that when it's cut he'll be really upset and I would like him to have more understanding when the time comes for him to make that decision. As I have curly hair, I know how to manage his hair, so DP's argument about it being messy is bollocks, because now he knows the magic a bit of conditioner can weave for that 'problem'! Also, DP's argument about it getting in his eyes is now redundant because his fringe is now long enough (no thanks to MIL's trimming it - neatly - in summer without my knowledge) to tuck behind his ears and sweep away... he he. I think that covers it in our case!

[Rahjah]

Oh I just found this thread and have been reading it, wavering between horror at the stories and PSML at some of your responses. What a nerve of those GPs! Grr! I've always had a tough time (through infertility and pregnancy) with other people's 'advice' and opinions that flow forth! I didn't realise it's about to start all over again with #2 child! Doh!

I have had troubles with ppl's commentary on our parenting...my question is... What do you do when people come to STAY?

We've just moved interstate and in the next 2 months have 2 lots of friends (CCers) and one MIL (Argh the worst) coming to stay. And yes, we're cosleeping, BFing, cloth nappy crazies. It's the co-sleeping that kills people I reckon. And that I stay with him till he goes to sleep for his sleeps. But we really are generally happy that way...I DON"T want to enter into it, I'm NOT interested in their comment or discussion and I don't know how to avoid it when they are staying in our house!
I'm so stressed about the visits.

BUT. I think I'll have to write out some of your responses and be brave

On a diff note...I don't get why anyone cares if your DS's have long hair? WTF? I honestly can't get my head around why it matters?

Anyway I'm mulling over a response that isn't entirely rude but makes the point, if i come up with it I'll let ya know But I love the idea of turning the question back> i think that's a goer (although for my MIL I might need something much more pointed)...


Oh one more thing. I don't like saying "it's cause I'm lazy" because that just gives them even more sense of righteousness. PLUS gentle parenting is anything but lazy days!

[Matryoshka]

I've used this before and it worked a treat! person was so apologetic:

"Wow i usually get so many positive comments about DS's behaviour and our parenting..."

(make them look like the weirdo for questioning you)

[Rahjah]

ooo that is the best!

[Ginger]

i'm going to use that one this weekend when my mil comes to stay, thanks mummaB

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

My mother told me co-sleeping would kill DS, I just pointed out that he's not dead yet.

Now when she stays, she stays in a hotel! Although she has set up DS's room at her house with a bed in it too so I can co-sleep if I need to.

My other favourite to "mother knows best... you know, I mean your mum" was "Well I am DS's mother and I do know best, thank you." That was a bit rude but I'm not having anyone think I don't know my child best!