What do you do about negative comments re: your parenting?

[meow]

There is a woman in my playgroup who always has to make a comment that I'm doing the wrong thing.

I co-sleep and my baby wakes up a lot. According to her it's because "he'll wake up because he knows I'm there" and "he'll get into bad routines if I let him". Someone else said yesterday that if you let them sleep in your bed they'll still be there when they're 7!

I generally disagree, but fairly passively as I don't want to start saying too much as it'll look like a judgment on their parenting. I would just simply like to be able to be honest about the amount of sleep I am getting and get reassurance rather than judgment. I've considered leaving the group but I do enjoy chatting to many of the women there. Should I confront her? I'm not at all confrontational (esp. in my sleep deprived state)- what would I say??

What would you do?

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

TBH, if someone tells me I'm doing it "wrong" - co-sleeping, baby wearing, breastfeeding, cloth nappies, not pregnant again yet, not controlled crying, going back to work, not going back full-time, using grandparents to babysit, using a nursery... I remember that there are loads of other people out there thinking I'm doing it "right" - most importantly; me, DH and DS: we are really the only three people whose opinions matter on this.

If someone told me that I was doing something wrong I'd just gently laugh and say "well of course that's your opinion: people who don't do things the right way generally disagree when they see it being done." If it was subtle, such as "well I've heard that if you co-sleep the child is still in there age seven" then you can point out that you know a woman who co-slept and whose son gave it up all by himself at 10 months, no tears, no upsets, just doesn't want to sleep with Mummy and Daddy - unless he's had a bad nightmare or is in a lot of pain, but even so the last six months we've co-slept for a few hours on maybe just 10 occasions, probably less. And that includes four molars coming through. It usually starts in the small hours of the morning when we can't be bothered staying out of bed with him.

I agree, your son WILL get into bad routines if you let him. So don't let him - doesn't sound to me like you've started any bad habits. He feels safe with you and trusts you, sounds good to me!

[Phteven]

Your bubba is not yet 5 months old. Of course he wakes up a lot.
He won't be in your bed when he is 7 but would it be the end of the world if he did come in for some cuddles? For many people jumping into their parent's bed in the morning is a treasured childhood memory.
If gentle disagreement isn't getting through I'd tell the nAsty mum that if she wants to be mean to her babies that's her choice and since you're not criticising it she should give you the same courtesy.
Sometimes when people criticise your parenting it's as much about being a bully as about what they really think about differant parenting styles.

[Astrid]

Sometimes when people criticise your parenting it's as much about being a bully as about what they really think about differant parenting styles.

Agree with that one. My old mothers group was ok, we managed to get along nicely with all our different ways of parenting until Glamour Mum joined the group. It was like being back in highschool with everyone trying to be friends with the pretty girl. Unfortunately for me I was the total opposite of her and was attacked numerous times by her for breastfeeding, cosleeping etc She was a good mum in her eyes she dressed her son in designer clothes from the US and had her figure back In the end I had to leave the group, just wish I had left it earlier. Make sure you get the phone numbers of the mums that you like, that way if you do choose to leave you are still in contact with other mums. Also have a look at your local ABA group as there is a mix of mums and it is great to chat to mums of older kids who have btdt with cosleeping etc.

This whole parenting thing can be so hard at times, it is a pity some other mums make it harder than it needs to be. There is some great advice in this thread

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Or just be Glamour Mum yourself. I am! OK, I'm lucky, I had my old clothes on before I left the hospital, I kept my great skin and hair until my period returned, DS was OK with me doing lipstick, eyeshadow, mascara while he watched and tried to copy, but the amount of times a less-glam friend was looked down on for babywearing while the same person told me how wonderful my babywearing was (almost identical slings) - seriously. 10 seconds for makeup and all of a sudden your parenting choices are right.

Having said that, a lot of people didn't want to be friends with me when our babies were small. It wasn't until everyone started feeling "normal" again and they could see I wasn't superwoman that some even spoke to me in our groups!

[meow]

Some wonderful advice! Thank you.

I've been able to reflect on it all more now and you are quite right- the comments others make are obviously about them. I am very confident in the parenting decisions we are making so I just need to say that if it keeps up.

[Bathsheba]

I'm a bit like Krysalyss... I tend to say more with my expressions or with my feet than with my mouth. I usually prefer to reserve confrontation until I understand what's really going on. A few times I've been on the brink of confronting someone only to find out that they are on anti-depressants or have some other reason for being totally awful. So if I was in your shoes I'd basically step back... chat to the other mums for a while while listening and learning. If she spoke to everyone in the same way I'd probably not say anything; she'll be her own worst enemy and soon everyone will avoid her That is how it usually goes. If you do say something and somebody over hears and mis-interprets it they that could (not saying it will) affect your reputation and that other mum might avoid you lest you turn on her. Devil's advocate here. The others' are right... but maybe just suss things out a bit more before you commit to locking horns.

[melskys]

hi ren,
dont worry about anyone who tells you you're doing it WRONG, everytime you hear it, just tell yourself that you and you're family are happy and thats all that matters. mother always knows best, no one else can take that from you, they can do what they like with their own children and have no business with yours.
as for the co-sleeping keeping bubs awake, WHAT A CROCK, if anything co-sleeping helps them sleep better! i've read a few studies and co-sleeping babies n parent's breathing actually becomes in sinc and helps baby to sleep for longer and have a much deeper and fulfilling sleep, and also, my DS sleeps for a lot longer when he is in my bed as opposed to in his cradle so dont listen to that ol' bitty.
just do whats right for you.

take care

[paradise lost]

Every baby and family is different. It might be that she has had genuine success with quitting co-sleeping herself (i know DD sleeps better alone now, and has done since about 6 months, though she still comes into bed with me a few times a week i generally end up putting her back in her own bed because she won't actually co-sleep, she just lies there at 4am talking loudly about the picture on the wall or the pattern on the curtains ) and be speaking from a place of caring and deep-held belief. Or she might be a bit of a bully who cannot stand other people doing things differently. Either way her advice is for you to take or leave as you see fit. I find it useful, especially being a very mixed-bag type of parent (for instance i STILL babywear about 95% of the time, but i also withdraw attention and eye-contact for undesireable behaviour, i would never smack, but i DO raise my voice when i feel it's warranted) to take advice with a pinch of salt and before i make any response to consider WHY I DO WHAT I DO. If i do something because i KNOW it is how i want to do it i ignore the advice. If it's something i didn't notice i was doing or don't want to do but am doing because i'm at the end of my rope (like chucking a book across the room that DD threw at my face in her eagerness to have it read to her accross the room because i have a very sore back and sleep deprivation and she'd hit me in the face with another book about 40 seconds before) i take it as an opportunity to whinge about my situation and destress/vent a bit.

My friend NEVER allows her kids into her bedroom (her and her DP consider it their sacred space) and her kids get up and cry/knock in the hall. Co-sleeping doesn't cause problems, kids are kids and do what they do sometimes REGARDLESS of parenting styles and techniques.

You sound as if you've made your peace with this now, to you, you KNOW you're a good mumma!

Bx

[meow]

I've been to a couple of meetings with my local ABA group and it hasn't done much for me. Sure, they BF but so do most of the women in my MG. There are natural parenting playgroups in my area and I think I'll join one of those.

I took last week off for a breather. I do sort of enjoy the group but as you said gigi I'm fairly different to most of the Mum's there. I'm also aware that someones comment can only bother me if I'm feeling insecure so I need to just remember that and let it go. I just wish I could sit there and bag them out for their unresearched practices sometimes

[beckles]

Ren, i find just being really confident in what you say and how you say it helps. No-one critisies me about how i parent because i just am very forthright about it. when someone asks about co-sleeping, breastfeeding etc i say 'of course' i do. really confidently. this tends to let them know you believe in yourself and how you parent and they back right off. you ARE doing the best thing for your baby, let them know this by how you talk about it. i find it really helps
beckles

[Arimeh]

Ren - I would probably just say to her "each to their own, I don't judge you, so please give me the same respect".

But I would probably throw a few swear words in there too...

And FWIW - we don't co-sleep with our kids - but I never pass judgement on others who decide to - its not my place - and furthermore - none of my business!!

(ps... and this is why I don't have a mothers group - judgemental women $hit me!! lol)

[Chocaholic]

Don't you hate the judgemental ones!! All I would say is "I appreciate your concern but this is how I have decided to raise my DS. I have noted your comments so please don't feel obligated to repeat them so often." Say it with a slight smile and then either ask her how her week has been or move the conversation on with someone else.

Another option is to talk to one of the other mothers and see if they can support you by pulling aside the mother and asking her to keep those comments to herself in future as you are all there to support each other, not try to force someone to adopt someone elses parenting practices.

[~Kim~]

You stand your ground girlfriend! It has nothing to do with her.

If you don't feel like you can confront her (and like Mel, i'm not the retiring type - but there's a time and a place). Maybe just catch her as she's leaving, while she's on her own I mean, and tell her that you really don't appreciate the comments and that you come for support. She's free to parent as she chooses and you don't comment on that so you should receive that respect too.

[MistyFying]

I think you need to be a bit more blunt with her...something like: thanks for your advice, but we don't parent that way in our family.

[Je$$_84]

Hi Ren,

seems like most of us are in agreement, How you raise you kids is your business and noone elses. I personally dont co sleep eitherjust from fear of rolling on my bubs, and other issues but there issues within myself... I personally dont have an issue with other doing it and would certainly not judge anyone who chose to or is doing it... There are so many things Mothers are judged on... My MIL never breast fed any of her 2 boys. She's always asking my DP "is Jessica still breastfeeding?"

My DS is having some minor speach issues and we are working on it with him, she critisized us the other day about "getting him the help he needs" i couldnt contain myself.. I just let her know that we were working on it as i have told her before and that if other would talk to him properly he's learn alot quicker... (she's constantly using the same words he does and not correcting him)

Being a Mother is hard work and everyone does things different, if everyone learned to accept others parenting techniques and choices i thin kalot of mums would be less stressed out....

Sometimes even confronting some women just doesnt work i have found. some time you can say things over and over again and they still dont get the hint... I have just learned to brush it off as i know i do what i can and do my best if others dont approve or disagess then tough...

Your sound like a great mum and person... be strong and know you're a Fantasic mum. Just need to have confidence and assurance... and so many women on here have given you that assurance...

[~clover~]

Hi. Just say to her that this is working for you atm & when he is sleeping better you will look at other options.

When I had DD1 I was dead against co-sleeping. I didn't care what others did, but it wasn't for me. I was terrified of something happening to her.

Then DD2 came along. That child was impossible & never slept. By the time she was 5 weeks old I was co-sleeping most of the time. She'd start off in the cot & by morning she was in our bed. You can only get up so many times a night.

DS now comes into our bed often too. If he only wakes once or twice then he will go back into his cot, but if its anymore he stays in bed with me.
IME they sleep BETTER in bed with you as they can smell you & they know you are there & are more comforted & relaxed.

Co-sleeping or not if a child wants to come into your bed every night for the next 7 years they will.
DD1 did it most nights til she was 3 & occasionally til she was 5. She does still have a night where she would, but she goes on the lounge instead.
DD2 is in our bed nearly every night. She usually goes to sleep in our bed, then I'll put her in her bed later. Sometimes she comes in, sometimes she doesn't. It only bothers me when I have to get DS out of his cot & she's in the way. Then I'll put her back to bed. Its not a big drama.

[fionas]

I think I'd just say something like, "oh, I'm not looking for advice on whether I'm doing the right thing or not because we're all going to have different ideas on that and we're not all going to agree with each other. I just want a whinge and some sympathy."

I think just make it clear that you're not looking for advice. It's very difficult NOT to give advice when someone is having a bit of a whinge because that's our normal reaction. There's a thin line between giving what you think is helpful advice and coming across as judgemental. She probably doesn't even realise she's doing it.

I think keep going - we're so much more sensitive to points that differ from our own in the early months, then when we finally DO realise that we know our babies best, those opinions really don't matter any more and it really does become water off a duck's back. But that takes a while so hang in there.