What do you do instead of smacking?

[Fig]

My DD has days - today being a good example, where she just pushes the boundries at everything and is completley defiant. Looks for all the things she knows she shouldnt' be doing and then when I say no she just smiles and does it anyway.

I do time out, but on days like today she won't stay and just thinks its a game. I explain to her very strongly that her behaviour is not acceptable. I even resorted to phoning DH and getting him to talk to her over the phone!! Surprisingly that worked for a little while, but probably just the shock value not something that will work all the time. I don't believe in smacking and think that when she is in a mood like this it would be completley useless anyway.

So what do you do? If you do time out, how do you get them to stay?

TIA

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

If I time out, I sit down and hold DS close to me while explaining why he can't go and play. It's a time to contemplate our actions. And I don't just tell him why his behaviour is bad. I make him explain to me. Why he did it. Is it allowed? Why does he think it isn't allowed? What will happen if ... results from him doing this? (Although his Nursery does just normal time out followed by an apology, so sometimes he just looks at me and says "I think I go sit there now I think. I in time out." Then apologises when he wants to play again and he thinks I won't talk to him about it any more!) I do give the answers when he doesn't know them, but he usually comes up with good reasons not to do "naughty" things so is less inclined to do them again later.

There's quite a few posts on this in the "smacking makes our children successful" thread, how to discipline without smacking.

[BellyBelly]

She's two and this sort of behaviour is common, especially with a new addition to the family. My daughter's behaviour went backwards when my son was born - she was harder than him! As they say, children who are not being 'lovely' are the ones needing more love.

The first thing I would do when I was angry was to take a deep breath and try not to act on impulse, it usually passes. If you can step away from the situation, let her know you're going to calm down and come back and talk about it so she also learns how to deal with her own anger also.

There are loads of PET (parent effectiveness training) articles in the parenting routines forum which also may help you a great deal, remembering she's going through a huge adjustment and some things take time. I'd recommend grabbing a copy of the PET book (which helps you deal with your childrens and your own problems better), Pinky McKay's book 'Toddler Tactics' or Margot Sunderland's 'What Every Parent Needs to Know.' These are all very gentle and effective books and will give you loads of strategies. Check out the Toddler Articles on the main site of BB too - lots by Pinky in the toddler & child section.

Remember.... this too will pass. I promise Also it's a good thing to remind ourselves that some of the behaviours we dislike (at times, or always LOL) in children are admired as adults, so try to see the good side to how she's expressing herself as she grows. This might be something like she knows what she wants, persistent, inquisitive, stands up for herself etc.

[skeetaboat]

I hold my son in time out. We just make it short - 30 seconds to 1 min - because we only just introduced it and he doesn't yet fully grasp the concept. Maybe you could try putting her in a boring (but safe) room if she wont stay in time out?

We use other consequences, 'if you hit the baby with that toy I'm going to take it off you and put it away' or 'you can play outside AFTER you put your pants on and brush you teeth'.

My toddler, similar age, does this sort of defiance thing too. It's usually coz he's tired, hungry, or needing attention. Usually a good dose of attention & a quiet day at home fixes him up. Hard sometimes when you've also got a baby to tend to, though. I've found devoting as much of the day as possible to doing activities together while taking breaks to tend to bubs works well.

[Fig]

Thanks for your respones.

Kelly I completley agree that some of her behaviours I find very challenging now are actually character traits that will do her well in the future - no less frustrating now though LOL.

My DH told me that when he was putting her to bed last night she asked for me and he told her I was feeding the baby. Her response was "No, mummy not feed Liam". So i think alot of her behaviour is a jealousy thing. DS has been feeding all the time latley. I do wear him in a sling but then she just gets jealous that he is on me.

Even though her actions are explainable it doesn't really make them acceptable. That is what I am struggling with. yesterday she hit the dog with a cup, and I told her that we don't hit the dogs and before I could stop her she was chasing the dog and trying to hit her again. Poor dog was trying to hide under the table. It didn't stop till I could lock the dogs outside. Today, she kept trying to hit the baby and eventually got him when I took my eyes off him for a second.

I do things like take toys off her, and even her 'blanky' when its a really naughty thing. But on days like the last couple she either just laughs or has a massive tantrum. Either way, the punishment has no effect.

I will go and read the articles Kelly suggested and re-read my toddler tactics book. See if I can find something!!

[Nettie]

We find that distraction works really well with our Liam

If he's trying to get to something we don't want him to touch, we distract him with something else. Usually he's just trying to get our attention anyway, so if we fully engage with him by playing with something, he will change what he's doing.

However it doesn't ALWAYS work and we aren't ALWAYS able to do this - but something that might help you sometimes.

note to self: get Toddler Tactics book.... hmmmm....

[sunshine_sieben]

I haven't read all the replies. But I really feel for you. My DD is only a couple of months older than yours and I'm in the exact same boat. I really shouldn't complain. She is not an angry child, she doesn't bite, hit or intentionally destroy things. But she still has days with very challenging behaviour. I also don't feel like time-out is the most appropriate method to use. For me it is a last resort. Discussing things with her and asking her why she's doing what she's doing is pointless as her verbal development is a littlle on the slow side. She has very advanced motor skills, but verbally she is a bit behind (growing up in a billingual household doesn't help).

As I had a challenging morning with her I just re-read parts of "The Science of Parenting" and have had a bit of a re-evaluation fo both my attitude to her behaviour and my reactions to it.

Firstly, our children are still so very young that they lack the "control" we might have over our emotions and impulses. The brain is just not developed enough. I say might, because I find it really hard to control myself sometimes, so I need to understand that she might not be able to, either.
I do wonder whether those challenging days/moments are usually the times where she is in need of more stimulation. So I just vowed to take her to the park more often again. I used to take her almost every morning, but have been a little lazy lately. It's just more difficult when you have a bubba, too. Add to that being a WAHM and maybe I have neglected her needs a bit and this is her way of telling me... Not saying this is the case with you. But here it might be. She's so independent that I forget that she still needs a lot of interaction. We do have lots of cuddles and tickles and general tenderness, but she also needs the fun and learning.

Between her being so independent and having a baby, I do tend to forget how little she still is. I do at times expect too much from her. It doesn't help that I am surrounded by a few family members who use "obedience training" with their children. While I don't feel that this is appropriate, I have started to wish DD was "easier" like those kids. I had to re0think this and look at the bigger picture. While it might be easier, I much rather have my spirited child than to stifle her.

Yes, she can really get to me at times. But she's only 2 1/2. It is my job to re-direct her. Punishing her for something she finds impossible to control doesn't seem fair. I am hoping by giving her more outlet for all this energy (she has an extreme amount of energy), she might be a little less prone to push boundaries. After all, it is hard to do when you're completely exhausted.

Please don't feel like I'm sitting on a high horse. These are mainly reflections on my own parenting so far. I have made many mistakes in the past. I have also at times smacked my DD on the bottom. Once it was for running on the road (my dog was run over & killed by a car, so I literally lost it when DD woudln't stop when I called her) but on a couple of occasions it was just because she pushed my buttons too much. Sleep deprivation and stress had a lot to do with it, but it just wasn't fair on her. And on top of that, all that resulted from it was either a hysterically crying child (not because I hit so hard, but because of her feelings being hurt) or an even more defiant child. And I felt miserable, too.

Sorry for all the ramblings... Having said all of that, I do believe in picking your battles (sometimes it's just easier to remove the temptation) but I also do believe children need firm boundaries. Most days just setting the boundary is enough. On days where your kids are wanting to push them, I'm not quite sure how to enforce them either...

Alex