Yelling...

[Calluna]

First of all, a bit of a parenting woohoo; I was a smacker. It was bad, it got to the point I was smacking multiple times a day and it was not in the least bit effective. It took a while, but I can honestly say, I have only smacked ONCE in the last 3 months. It is no longer the first thing that jumps to my mind when DS is being challenging. If at all. I am SO proud of that. I wish I could take back all the times I hit him. I can't, but I can resolve not to do it anymore, and I have.

Now I want to address the yelling. I hate yelling at him but sometimes it sends like the only way to get through to him. I'm pretty sure, if I can stop yelling he'll start listening, but how do I get better at not yelling when he is SO frustrating?

[*LittleMissSummer*]

You sound like me

I am very interested to learn new techniques as nothing i am currently doing is working.

[Miss E]

good for you babe! That is a huge achievement and one which you should feel really good about.

I tend to think that yelling is an effective means of getting their attention simply because it's a loud noise. If I need to get DS's attention immediately to get him to stop doing something, I clap my hands really loudly a couple of times - works just as well at stopping them in their tracks.

Wherever possible I try to talk to DS. So I squat down to his level and hold his hands and explain things. But of course, as a toddler that doesn't always work, he'll sometimes try to pull away or just continue what he's doing. At these times I pick him up and talk to him while we walk away from the situation. Generally speaking we try not to just say 'no'. I always give an explanation of why we don't do something and if possible encourage him to help rectify the situation. eg. 'we don't throw food on the floor because we get flies and ants. Come and help me clean it up'. Of course, it isn't all that effective the first time, or even the second time, but with repetition they get it. DS no longer throws food on the floor, in fact if he drops something now he wants to clean it up straight-away so we don't get flies and ants.

I think it's important to remember that they're just like us. If someone tells me 'no', it doesn't stop me from wanting to do it (if I'm honest I probably want to do it more just to rebel). But if someone explains to me why we can't do something I'm usually happy to oblige or at least discuss the reasons - toddlers are much the same I think.

HTH

[~Ash~]

Subbing coz I would love to know this too.


**Sent from my phone using Tapatalk.

[sloane]

that is a MASSIVE woohoo i want to say i'm proud of you too, but don't want to sound patronising! but that is seriously so cool!

i'm not sure about the yelling - i have yelled occasionally too & i hate doing it. i try to look at what the situation was when i did yell - i.e. was it in the car when i couldn't touch/cuddle him to try & calm things down that way, was it when i didn't remove him from other distractions (e.g. the tv was on). sometimes i just walk away for a minute because me yelling is usually a sign that i am losing control of my emotions. then i try again a few minutes later when i'm more calm. i try to tell myself that if i yell, then he will think that's what you do & i envisage things escalating over time to the two of us having a yelling match & i really don't want that. i want him to realise that things can be resolved without yelling but 2 year olds really are challenging sometimes!! i try to explain why he shouldn't do something & remove him from the situation if appropriate.

sorry, no real answer but you're definitely not alone!

[Calluna]

Miss E- I do yell to get his attention, and clap, sometimes he listens other times he ignores me. I KNOW he can heart me, which is when I lose my cool.

I don't tend to get angry when he is misbehaving, more when he ignores me. I can keep calm and explain things to him when he's (I hate this word but it's all that's coming to mind ) "being naughty". But when he plain ignores me or screams over me THAT really grates on me.

ETA- I think it's because when he is upset and I can't figure out why and he won't tell me, I can't do anything to make him happy again/ help him understand. I think it comes from frustration with myself rather than him. It's not his fault I can't work it out, it's mine ITMS?


This morning, for example, he whined and whinged from the minute we left the bedroom to when I put him in the pram to go out. 2 hours of constant whinging. I know he can tell me what's wrong, I asked him repeatedly to use his words. But he would just whinge louder. So I yelled, I'm certain it didn't help the whinging, probably made it worse, but I was so frustrated that nothing was working.

I'm sure my neighbors think I'm the mother from hell I feel like I'm yelling all the time.

[Stevie]

. I know he can tell me what's wrong, I asked him repeatedly to use his words. But he would just whinge louder. So I yelled, I'm certain it didn't help the whinging, probably made it worse, but I was so frustrated that nothing was working.

I'm sure my neighbors think I'm the mother from hell

yupp.. im hearing you.. i loose my cool a little too often. and when i do she shuts down and wont talk, just makes "baby noises" is the only way i can discribe it.. lately though, has been tough, i broke my arm and am finding EVERYTHING frustrating, ive warned everyone that i am constantly on my last straw so PLEASE bare with me. but obviously she doesnt know that.. she knows mummy has an ouch. and that its broken. but thats it.
she comes to me and says sorry to ME when i am the one who should be saying sorry.. worst mother of the year award right here
sorry, i didnt mean to overtake, i too need to find a better solution than yelling

[Miss E]

It's so hard when they get like that isn't it. Ash does it quite often too. And yes, on the occassions when I get frustrated and have yelled it has usually been these. I'm reading Parent Effectiveness Training at the moment, which I am finding really helpful in changing my mindset on these things.

What I'm trying to do now is firstly help him identify the emotion he's feeling. Saying things like 'you seem to feel sad, has something happened, was it this or this, or do you just feel sad?' or 'are you upset because Daddy had to go to work?'. Quite often this gets no response, I think sometimes they just feel sad, upset, angry, down or whatever, the way that we do. So I will say things like 'it's ok to feel sad, mummy feels sad sometimes'. And the other thing I always do, as hard as it can be at times, is offer a cuddle. Quite often he wants one and a cuddle for a couple of minutes talking about emotions or what may have made him feel that way resolves it all.

But then there are other times were he just wants to whine, grizzle, roll on the floor, whatever (god knows I have these moments sometimes too). When he's like this, I tell him that I'm going to give him some space, but if he wants a cuddle I'd love to give him one. Then I get on with what I'm doing for a couple of minutes and pop back and ask him again if he needs a cuddle or whatever. Eventually he does and once we're at that point it's pretty much over and done with.

I'm actually finding that this is really helping for my DS. And I can't recommend PET enough, I'm only half way through it, but it really is changing the way I communicate with DS which is making our relationship heaps better now and I'm sure will make it 100 times better as he gets older. The thing that I try to remember is that like us they experience all types of emotions, some of them rational, some of them not quite so rational. But they're so little they don't know how to recognise the emotion, it's cause, or how to process it. I like to think that it is my job to help him work through that emotion and develop the tools to do it on his own.

[Rowellen]

Wait for him to turn 3

Seemed to work for my DS. Not sure if it was a coincidence but I also introduced cuddles as a distraction. Whenever he got upset I would say "do you want a cuddle". Almost every time he would calm down & do what it was I was asking quite happily. Now he sometimes asks for a cuddle before I even offer! For my DS, I think the behaviour stems from a desire to do things for himself or have control over the situation. Often he would have a meltdown if I put the toast in the toaster or something so simple like that. It was so hard to work out what it was he wanted. I try to involve him in everything now. I sometimes don't anticipate him though which leads to meltdown but it's improving. When he's ignoring me, I think it is to exercise control. That's when I tend to yell. It is so hard to keep being patient some days, particularly when he is doing it constantly. No TV helps. Idon't mean as a punishment, but just not turning it on at all. I found his behaviour is a lot better on the mornings I don't turn the TV on. I also stop for a minute if I find myself yelling. By making a conscious decision to change my behaviour, I have changed his without really trying ITMS. Anyway, that's my experience. HTH.

BTW - who cares what your neighbours think. You are a frustrated mummy doing your best.