Hi Tanya,

Thanks for your reply. I think at the time I posted my ranting I was at the lowest point. I've come back around and starting to feel at ease again. I have done all I could, doing research, finding a care provider (IM) that supports my HBAC, booked myself at the hospital as back-up, did all of the necessary tests, and taking care of myself. Well okay, I might not have done as much exercise as I should but there's only so much a heavily pregnant woman can do!

I pondered over your question for the last few days. It made me think back to when I decided to HB, which was at 28 weeks. I remembered thinking there's no way I can be relaxed at hospital setting and be left alone to birth naturally, especially with VBAC. I may be a bit paranoid about it but I'm not taking my chances.

I know I'll labour better at home with no time limits and unnecessary interference/disturbance and amongst my own comforts and familiar things. I don't want to feel stressed out having have to "fight" with the hospital/staffs about how I want to labour at the hospital. Although my IM has assured me that they usually leave labouring women alone when they have a registered & qualified midwife accompanying them - again, I'm not taking my chances. (I don't really have a hospital labouring experience as my C/S was the result of big-baby-small-pelvis-Ob's scare tactic, which made me elected to be cut opened - wish I knew better)

I want a natural labour as I want to give my body a chance to do what it's designed to do - giving birth to a baby. I want my body to be free of drugs, catheter, painful scar that takes months to heal after birth - because those aren't the way birth supposed to be. I want to feel a total joy over my birth and a healthy baby without any anger, disappointment and feeling let down which I felt with my first baby and that feelings, believe it or not, lingered for a long time. I just want to give my body & baby a chance to experience what birth should be - regardless the outcome. I'm feeling positive but also I realise there are things I cannot control, should things go not according to plan at least I'm at peace because I'd know I have done everything I could.

I'll still need to do a little bit of homework (which are training/messaging my perineum and completing our birth supplies), but besides that I'm feeling really good that we are getting there and starting to feel excited about my HBAC.

Sorry for long post, obviously I had lots to say