Do your parents support you and your parenting approach?

[attc]

I'm just wondering whether other people have had a similar experience to me...

It just dawned on me today that I really have never felt much support from my parents/mother in my decision to parent gently and to still be breastfeeding.

DS is now 13 months old. He is still BF and still rocked to sleep. My parents continue to make snide comments to try and subtly voice their disapproval of this. It is not subtle and I read them loud and clear.

I told my mum today that it was not subtle when she keeps asking me (in a definite tone), when I am going to wean him. She ended up admitting that she and Dad are "shocked" and basically "horrified" that I am still BFing DS and that she hopes it doesn't continue much longer. I guess I baited her back by asking why should it bother her if I'm BFing or not and so what if I BF for a lot longer - she said if that was the case, then not to tell them and not to do it in front of them!? Then they'd never have to know.

It was like she wanted me to keep it as my dirty little secret - that it was something that I should be ashamed or embarrassed about (I think they are embarrassed that I am still feeding him).

Whilst this is probably the best approach (ie don't talk to them about BFing and the challenges of getting him to sleep) - however, this makes me really sad - I think I should be able to talk to my mum about this sort of stuff and expect her to be supportive (even if it is different to how she did things).

Am I expecting too much? It just makes me quite upset (and angry) when my own mother is making me doubt/feel bad etc about how I'm raising my baby. I'm starting to feel like its me against the world when it comes to BFing and rocking to sleep. I'm at the point where I'm quite defensive about it. Luckily DH is supportive.

Does anyone else feel unsupported by their parents (and friends/family) and if so, how do you cope with it?

[ubba82]

Yes I too have similar problems with my mother. My youngest is 14 weeks old and my mum has a go at me because 'I don't let her cry long' and I should be booking into sleep school so they can teach me its ok for her to cry herself to sleep. Mum thinks that BB is to blame - I said to her I am just more informed and have chosen to do things differently this time around. The other week she mentioned I should give her some rice cereal to fill her tummy and make her sleep longer to which I replied I wont be giving her any solids until at least 4 months - the recommended age being 6 months. I have had many an argument with my mum on my parenting vs her parenting and I dont really see it getting any better unless I just stop talking to her about it all together.

Sorry Im not much help xx

[krisp]

Both my Mother and my MIL believe every child needs "a good smack"!!!! My DH and I have decided not to smack and they just don't get it. Oh well, I figure they are our children and we WILL parent them our way.

Everyone has an opinion about something you do, they should however remember it's not always a good thing to share it.....

[attc]

Ubba82 - my mum also 'blames' all the harmful reading I supposedly do on the internet or books. She makes many a snide comment about the information I read. She has in the past stated that I am not following my instincts enough etc. The ironic thing is that I read things to justify and support my instincts (which are to BF and not to let him cry etc etc) because I don't get the support in my approach from those around me...

I never realised just how intolerant/judgmental my mother could be - particularly on something so natural and personal as raising your baby!

[~Kim~]

I never realised just how intolerant/judgmental my mother could be - particularly on something so natural and personal as raising your baby!

This is my fourth year of parenting, and until I had my babies I never realised how much your statement rang true.

My mum and I have had arguements over breastfeeding - about me offending her, because it is something I truely believe in and she doesn't and so didn't BF any of us.
Also about the gentle parenting thing and the sleeping thing.....sadly though, we used to be really close, but now my sister and my mum's parenting are more closely alligned it is quite obvious where allegiances are.

I think that was horrendously offensive of your mum to request that though. I have to admit though that even though I am thick skinned and often a bit louder than is sometimes appropriate, in order to avoid conflict I have avoided voicing my opinions/choices/techniques at times.

I am glad I found a place where I can be open about my parenting choices and women that share my beliefs (here i mean).

[Glamourcide]

On the surface, those around me are very supportive of how I do things. Upon closer inspection, though, it appears that my mum especially just tends to bite her lip or have her say and then move on, knowing that 'baiting' me will lead to a debate she knows I'll win, as I have the right to make my own choices (she calls them 'mistakes') and that it's my life to live. In parenting my children, I'm only 'hurting' myself, so she knows she really can't say anything about how I raise my own kids as it's not impacting on anybody but me, and I have to live with that.
Example - feeding/rocking to sleep. I was laughing to mum the other day about how, now that DD2 keeps rolling out of our bed and we've put her in a cot for her own safety, I have to clamber into the cot with her to feed and pat her to sleep. I have no problem with this - it's what works for us, sure it gets a bit cramped in there if she's taking a while to get to sleep but I don't mind. Mum's retort was, 'Well, you do it to yourself.' Yes, I do - was I complaining about the situation? Expressing dissatisfaction? Regret about the choice I have made? Not at all - just telling mum what I thought was a mildly amusing story about our new sleeping arrangements. I shrugged it off - told her I make the choices I do according to what works best for my baby AND for me, and that she will learn to self-settle when she's ready. I don't see a need for CCing - she's an amazing sleeper, goes down right on time every night and all it takes is five minutes of laying in an uncomfortable position to help her go down for the night. It's not a bad thing!

My advice is just to persevere. You have made your choices based on evidence you feel supports you and your baby's needs, and family may not understand that due to a lack of education, but that's not your problem. Shrug them off - you have plenty of support here and from others who do gentle parenting We know what works best, and there's no reason to be ashamed, embarrassed or try to please everybody Just focus on yourself and your child and all will be well

[Jennifer13]

Behind my back I'm sure my MIL doesn't approve of all of my parenting choices. Unfortunately for her, our now four year old DD is perfect testimony to all of the benefits of gentle parenting and full-term bfing. Fortunately she's not sure how to create a disagreement over our parenting style to our face without looking silly!

Her take on it is that the reason things are going so well for us, when she struggled with her children, was that we had a girl and she didn't. Because of course, it's gender that determines whether your parenting is effective!

My Mum might not agree with everything I do, but I'd never know. She's certainly supportive to me and others of how we are doing things and tells me she thinks I'm doing a great job! It's not how she does/did things (she's a foster parent to babies), but she has enough respect for me to accept our style as right for our family and support it.

[Persephone1]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sounds awful. I haven't had a Bub yet, but I'm relying on my Mum's support for bfing, so I imagine it would be really hard to hit a wall.

My MIL has made some comments about "not bfing beyond 6 months" as if to do it longer would be weird. I was bfed until I was almost 3, so her comments really grate on me. I expect I won't be sharing much of it with her though.

Unfortunately some people feel confronted by things that are different to what they do/did, and take it as a personal slight on their own parenting styles to see someone do it differently. Remind yourself that this is their "stuff" and you shouldn't be made to feel bad for your own decisions, even if they do fly in the face of what your parents do/did.

It's sad that you can't access support from your Mum, but rest assured there's support elsewhere (here, ABA, your DH, etc). Stand tall and leave then to their own stuff.