Do your parents support you and your parenting approach?

[attc]

Ubba82 - my mum also 'blames' all the harmful reading I supposedly do on the internet or books. She makes many a snide comment about the information I read. She has in the past stated that I am not following my instincts enough etc. The ironic thing is that I read things to justify and support my instincts (which are to BF and not to let him cry etc etc) because I don't get the support in my approach from those around me...

I never realised just how intolerant/judgmental my mother could be - particularly on something so natural and personal as raising your baby!

[~Kim~]

I never realised just how intolerant/judgmental my mother could be - particularly on something so natural and personal as raising your baby!

This is my fourth year of parenting, and until I had my babies I never realised how much your statement rang true.

My mum and I have had arguements over breastfeeding - about me offending her, because it is something I truely believe in and she doesn't and so didn't BF any of us.
Also about the gentle parenting thing and the sleeping thing.....sadly though, we used to be really close, but now my sister and my mum's parenting are more closely alligned it is quite obvious where allegiances are.

I think that was horrendously offensive of your mum to request that though. I have to admit though that even though I am thick skinned and often a bit louder than is sometimes appropriate, in order to avoid conflict I have avoided voicing my opinions/choices/techniques at times.

I am glad I found a place where I can be open about my parenting choices and women that share my beliefs (here i mean).

[Glamourcide]

On the surface, those around me are very supportive of how I do things. Upon closer inspection, though, it appears that my mum especially just tends to bite her lip or have her say and then move on, knowing that 'baiting' me will lead to a debate she knows I'll win, as I have the right to make my own choices (she calls them 'mistakes') and that it's my life to live. In parenting my children, I'm only 'hurting' myself, so she knows she really can't say anything about how I raise my own kids as it's not impacting on anybody but me, and I have to live with that.
Example - feeding/rocking to sleep. I was laughing to mum the other day about how, now that DD2 keeps rolling out of our bed and we've put her in a cot for her own safety, I have to clamber into the cot with her to feed and pat her to sleep. I have no problem with this - it's what works for us, sure it gets a bit cramped in there if she's taking a while to get to sleep but I don't mind. Mum's retort was, 'Well, you do it to yourself.' Yes, I do - was I complaining about the situation? Expressing dissatisfaction? Regret about the choice I have made? Not at all - just telling mum what I thought was a mildly amusing story about our new sleeping arrangements. I shrugged it off - told her I make the choices I do according to what works best for my baby AND for me, and that she will learn to self-settle when she's ready. I don't see a need for CCing - she's an amazing sleeper, goes down right on time every night and all it takes is five minutes of laying in an uncomfortable position to help her go down for the night. It's not a bad thing!

My advice is just to persevere. You have made your choices based on evidence you feel supports you and your baby's needs, and family may not understand that due to a lack of education, but that's not your problem. Shrug them off - you have plenty of support here and from others who do gentle parenting We know what works best, and there's no reason to be ashamed, embarrassed or try to please everybody Just focus on yourself and your child and all will be well

[Jennifer13]

Behind my back I'm sure my MIL doesn't approve of all of my parenting choices. Unfortunately for her, our now four year old DD is perfect testimony to all of the benefits of gentle parenting and full-term bfing. Fortunately she's not sure how to create a disagreement over our parenting style to our face without looking silly!

Her take on it is that the reason things are going so well for us, when she struggled with her children, was that we had a girl and she didn't. Because of course, it's gender that determines whether your parenting is effective!

My Mum might not agree with everything I do, but I'd never know. She's certainly supportive to me and others of how we are doing things and tells me she thinks I'm doing a great job! It's not how she does/did things (she's a foster parent to babies), but she has enough respect for me to accept our style as right for our family and support it.

[OceanPrincess]

Fortunately (or not?) it is sort of the other way around for me.

My own mum is supportive of whatever decisions my sis and I make with regards to parenting - she knows we are both active members of the ABA and the three of us have lots of chats about BF, settling methods, etc. She BFed us both as long as possible (we both self-weaned apparently around 12 mths) and she is completely comfortable with our approaches.

I think she is a bit more comfortable than I'd like with letting DD CIO when she looks after her - however she knows it is unacceptable to me to let her cry - perhaps the more accurate term is "GIO" - grizzle it out I'm more prone to pick her up quickly, mum will let her grizzle a bit - but I stress grizzle, not cry.

My MIL on the other hand, is often even more of a "gentle" parenter than we are! DH and I are struggling to rock/pat DD to sleep these days, it just seems to hype her up even more when we are there holding her, so our new approach is in the cot settling - snuggling her with her toys, patting her tummy. But MIL will still rock her to sleep. Maybe the MIL is more soothing than me?? Who knows.

MIL also loves the fact that I am still BF and fully supports it. She BFed her three, like my mum, as long as they wanted it - my DH BF all the way through her pg with my BIL and only weaned when BIL was born.

The unfortunate part is my DH... he keeps making comments like "you might have to wean her soon" when I wince because DD is biting my BB or kicking my belly. I keep telling him that I don't have to do anything (in a nice way) and that I'll BF as long as DD wants it... but I don't think he is fully on board with that. Maybe I need to find some info on tandem feeding for him...

[briggsy's girl]

i am parenting at almost the polar opposite to my parents - my mum didn't BF, she engaged controlled crying (and encouraged others to do the same), smacked etc. while i was pregnant, i told her how it was going to be. no smacking, no CIO, i would BF until we are ready to stop - my baby, my way. in all honesty, i expected comments. my parents aren't backwards in coming forward and saying what they think - whether people want to hear it or not.

BUT, they have been really supportive. mum has asked me how i deal with different circumstances and she engages the same techniques when she is responsible for DD (we've been landscaping for them and leaving DD with mum). i can tell by how DD responds to my parents that they're following our way of thinking. they parented me by intimidation - DD shows no signs of being intimidated (and she is very vocal when she isn't comfortable with stuff!)

the only thing i personally have struggled with is the BF thing around my mum - not that she judges - in fact, she is VERY supportive - but she was unable to BF us, and comments often on how she wishes she'd been able to. i worry about how it's making her feel. she suffers depression and has done since her sister died when they were children - i just hope that my ability to BF isn't impacting her.

[Nai]

My mum is great and really supports any decisions that DP and I make in relation to our parenting style. She also does her own research and reading and offers helpful suggestions about the latest research etc. She was a primary school teacher though so it's not surprising.

MIL wasn't supportive at all especially in relation to BF but DP told her her that we were doing it our way. She later apologised and admited we were doing a wonderful job with our girls and they were a testament to our parenting

[Inertia]

I can share my mum with you. She won't mind. I was a cloth bummed, breast fed, co slept, sling worn bubby.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

No, not supportive. My mother told me outright when DS was a baby that co-sleeping would kill him and breastfeeding on demand would kill me (her words - kill). She also doesn't agree with babywearing, not using chemicals in his bath, cloth nappying, letting DS decide when he wants to be toilet trained, baby-led weaning... pretty much everything. She always supported not smacking, but that's it. She also called me a bad mother for DS not sleeping through 12 hours at 2m old.

Mum is now a fan of co-sleeping. But that's it. She also gets cross that DS can climb on her sofa and reach the fruitbowl, so helps himself to fruit. Or the fruit on the sideboard. And I won't stop him. Why would I? Just because he turns down chocolate when she wants to give it. I only stop him at 5pm, so he'll eat his dinner at 6pm. Why not move stuff when DS is there if she doesn't like it? (He's there for a week or more at a time, usually, as Mum lives so far away we go for a full visit... I'm not policing him all week about a fruitbowl that she could move!)

MiL is of the opinion that he's my baby so I get to mother him how I want. I know she didn't really approve of me BFing him on the sofa when other people were around, but that's the only "problem" we've had.

[Traveller]

I was breastfed and cloth bummed, and so was my OH, so both my mum and MIL supported us completely. The only slight issue we had was disbelief when we said we would not smack our kids, but my MIL (who was a spare the rod, spoil the child kind of a mum which OH still gets upset over) has since admitted that our kids are well behaved lovely children and we are good parents. She even asked my advice on interacting with another of her grandchildren as her methods were failing and mine seem to work.

Basically what I am saying is, time will tell. Anyone who is in opposition to your methods will more than likely come to respect them over time when they see how happy and healthy your kids are. It is a learning process for everyone when a new bubba is born.

Love to all the mammas out there

T
xx

[Sterla]

My parents and MIL have never come out and said they disagree with the way I parent... but there have been enough subtle comments along the way for me to know that it's certainly not the way they would have done things.
I remember my mum saying to me when DS was only small that she thought breastfeeding beyond 12 months was a bit 'weird' - but now that I'm still breastfeeding at over 13 months, she hasn't said a word. So, either she's biting her tongue or she doesn't think it's so weird anymore.
Baby led solids is another area where my parents and MIL seem uncomfortable. My dad is always trying to spoon feed DS (even ridiculous things, like bits of muffin!), and my MIL seems horrified about all the food DS drops on the floor, telling me "You really should train that son of yours not to drop food on the floor"... yeah, because my son is a dog that needs training??? .
And just in general, my parents and MIL have made plenty of comments along the lines of... being too gentle = kids running a muck and ending up in jail.

But for the most part my parents and MIL keep their mouths shut - not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Sometimes I wonder what they're really thinking...

[Dido]

I have a thread which i posted about 3 months ago regarding 'Help , being pressured to give up breastfeeding'

My DH was/is disgusted that i am still breastfeeding DD and at 4 months old he expected me to quit breastfeeding and put her on the bottle as it 'looks weird breastfeeding a 'bigger' baby'. His mother - was the same, both asking me when i was going to quit. It has been a long battle but now that i have stood my ground and told them that i am not stopping anytime soon they have started to leave me alone.
My mum and sister are very supportive of my breastfeeding as they both breastfed for 2-3 years each child, so in that sense i have support there.

On the other hand my MIL likes my gentle parenting regarding not letting DD cry and attending to her quickly and my parents cannot believe that i wont let DD cry. They are appalled by it and probably think that my child is going to turn into a little brat , it bugs me so much when they say 'just leave her, let her cry' but i cannot understand why i would let her cry when there is no reason to keep her upset, there is obviously something wrong when DD is crying.


Its amazing that everyone has their own opinion regarding your parenting style, how often you breastfeed your little one or how long you let them cry ...

Listening and nodding works best! he he he