We all know that becoming a parent completely changes your life no matter how old you are, but I can't help but think there is a bit more that changes for us young mums (and dads). For instance, I know a lot of young parents whose relationship with their own parents has completely changed along with having kids - for better or for worse.
For me, one of the more difficult things about having kids was finding out who my real friends are - I've noticed that my circle of friends is entirely different these days, and most of the people from my pre-baby days I haven't heard from in over a year. I've also found that it's hard to make new friends around my age because most 22-year-olds are either living at home with their parents and adamant about not having kids until they're at least 30, or they're the type you see on Today Tonight, spending their baby bonus on babysitters and eccies.
I know I'm a totally different person now to what I was at, say, 18 - back then parties, getting high and going nowhere were the most important things to me, and nowadays I don't even drink on Christmas Day!! But on the upside, I couldn't imagine my life being any different and my relationship with my parents has definitely improved, and I find that people tend to take me more seriously now because I'm somehow more 'responsible' now that I have a husband and a daughter to think about.
How have your lives changed, for better or worse, after having kids?
Wow, ummm I could write forever darl. This might be really rambled. I might break it don into sections.
NB: My flipping W key is being retardo so excuse the constant errors
Relationships.
The unquestionably best thing about having had a child is that my mother seems to have finally let me 'move out'. I left home when I was 17 to go to university but I have alays felt like she is still controlling me and dictating the rules in my life. I always felt that I needed to continue to seek her approval, and although she made me move on campus I was still, in her eyes, too immature and irresponsible to look after myself.
I was quite independent and because of her overbearing nature we didn't speak for quite a few months in my first year, to the point she threatened to submit a missing persons report to the police if I didn't contact her. Even in the weeks before I found out I was pregnant she was trying to dictate where I should work or what I should study.
Because we were pregnant at the same time and due only two weeks apart we became really close, and after going from speaking to her once a fortnight, we spoke at least once daily. Anyway, things were good until she 'forced' us to move closer to her and then after I had my DS I became really resentful because I was isolated and miserable, and all the help I had been promised had disappeared. She was also very weary of my DF constantly trying to convince me to be prepared for him to leave.
Only in the last two months have I become more assertive and finally encouraged her to see that I am an adult and that I do make my own decisions responsibly.
Like you, it has been easy to see who our real friends are... and moving 800kms away will only do that even more. I find that I am less tolerable towards my friends attitudes and their college lifestyle now that I don't have a reason to accept their behaviours. The friends that have stayed around and been worthwhile supports are those that have actually done some research about the practicality of parenting and don't invite us last minute to the movies, or to go on a road trip or go clubbing ...
My relationships and ability to communicate with strangers has worsened because I am constantly aare of the stigma surrounding young parents and therefor have really climbed into a deeeep shell when it comes to not caring. This is slowly improving though.
Financial Matters
I am so much more responsible with money now. I am still shocking at saving but that is because we always seem to need something. I have friends who think we are so much better off than them because we get 4x as much money a fortnight, but they seriously don't understand the cost of living in a real house, as a couple, instead of in a sharehouse. And how much electricity costs to pay on your own, and transport to work, and eating properly.
I could write a book on the things childless college kids have no about.
As a person
I am, currently at least, undeniably worse off.
I was a young woman that desperately longed for children, and had no other career ambition. I was happy and free-spirited and self-conscious was not a state of mind that existed in my vocabulary.
Having a baby has destroyed me. I am not loud or happy or loving and I just don't want a baby. But at least I am now recognising that the reason I feel like this is because i have PND. However, because I am so worried about what people think of young mums, I am struggling to make new friends, struggling to communicate with other mothers, I am terrified of visiting medical professionals because someone always seems to have something inappropriate to say. I am always feeling like an awful mother if I don't live up to my expectations, because in a twisted way I feel that my expectations are the only thing that shows people that hey, young mums aren't terrible.
My pregnancy, labour and birth journey has given me the ambition to study again. It has given me the want to have a career to provide for my child. Because I want a stable family home and I want to be a parent that can contribute financially and knowledgably to that. That is one thing that has changed with me.
Miscellaneous
I am thankful that having a baby finally made my friends realise that I was over partying and drinking so often. Sure it's still fun and it's the only way half of them can still connect with me, but at least they realise that I want something more.
I am thankful for the change it brough about in my partner. He has become so loving and compassionate and I have never seen him show so much affection before. He truly makes my heart flutter every day. It seems unreasonable but this child brought us together. And unplanned pregnancy and a lot of fighting for each other has certainly had its upsides.
Anyway, I don't know if this is hat you ere looking for but i should stop because i have just gone on and on and on...
Oh, I hear you on so many of those things!! Especially the money thing, before my husband and I got pregnant we were pretty much just bludging through life, not working, totally broke, blowing our money on drugs and booze and partying, but that all changed when we found out we were going to have to be responsible for a child. We dropped all those habits straight away and he went out and landed himself a good job, so now we're in the extremely fortunate position where I can afford to be a stay-at-home mum. Some of our friends from the 'old days' also have kids around the same age, but unlike us, having kids didn't change their slacker ways in the least and they are still on the dole, not wanting to work, doing drugs and convinced that we must be rorting Centrelink or something because we seem to have so much money. What they don't realise is that we simply learned to spend and save our money wisely, so instead of going out and buying huge TVs and sports cars on finance the way they do, we are very sensible about where our money goes and we actually earn one good income, rather than living on two dole payments and being in debt up to our eyeballs. I feel like a lot of those people resent me especially because I don't have to work but I still can afford to buy a new dress or a pair of shoes every now and then (and we're talking Supre, not Carla Zampatti or anything), and they're going nowhere. All we had to do was stop smoking $50 worth of pot a day and we're already miles ahead of them.
I'm not ashamed of my past, if anything I think it might be helpful in the future when my kids are teenagers and will be going through the same things as I went through, because unlike my parents, who have barely smoked a cigarette in their lives, I will be able to talk honestly about things like peer pressure, sex, drugs and the rest of that stuff with my kids and hopefully help them make better decisions than I did. I remember when I was 16 and had been dating a boy for nearly a year, and I asked my mum to take me to the doctor so I could go on the Pill, and she glared at me and told me I'd keep my legs shut until I had a ring on my finger. To me, that was a mistake - I was trying to be responsible and she just expected me to do what I was told and not argue... and it led to some mistakes that I wish I hadn't made, that I wish somebody had talked about with me before it happened so I was more prepared to make certain choices.
I totally agree with you about friends and things like short notice. People think we're really snotty now and think we're better than everyone because we don't go out much, but they can't seem to get it through their heads that you can't just drop everything to go out for a night when you've got two hours' notice and a big bill due to arrive any day. I hate that people think I'm so snobbish, when I would love the chance to go out and be me instead of 'mummy' for a few hours, but friends think I'm just making excuses when I say 'it's 6pm, I can't find a babysitter at this hour!!'
It makes me feel quite isolated at times, especially when a lot of my friends who should really know better are actually the worst for it. I wonder if maybe they are trying to recapture their youth or something (the one that comes to mind is 28 and has three kids, but leaves them at home with her boyfriend to go out 'with the girls' nearly every weekend and doesn't understand why I won't come with them), but it hurts to feel left out or that I'm just an afterthought in people's plans.
PND is a horribly debilitating illness, I'm glad you are making some progress. I was diagnosed with a mild case after the birth of my DD, but I refused medication and have fought it out with myself. Some days are better than others, and although I can definitely sympathise, I'm about 75:25 on good:bad. I just think of where my life was heading before I got myself in this situation and I know I couldn't ask for anything more than where I am, despite the bad times. I was just like you, always wanted to be a wife and mother rather than have a 'real' career, but now that I am cooped up in the house all day and go for weeks sometimes speaking to nobody but my parents and husband, I am starting to get a little bit of ambition and want more than to just do laundry and change nappies forever.
I'm glad to know I'm not the only one out there who has the negatives as well as the positives, sometimes I feel like if I speak up about the bad things that come with being a mum I'll be crucified because I'm just not meant to feel that way.
May i crash this thread as i was a 1st time Mum at 40
But i wanted to say ... My Mum was a 1st time Mum at " 17 " back in 1957 ... she has often said until this day (she will be 70 this year) how absolutely wonderful she feels that young Mum's these days have more opportunities & community help compared to her days when there was No help offered & all was hushed & she was given the impression that she was meant to be ashamed
She also felt that she in some respect that she had to work so much harder at being a Mum as she felt all eyes were upon her in judging her & waiting for her to fail.
Sadly my Mum heard many, many wonderful comments like " Isn't she such a wonderful Mother" ... and yes said always behind her back BUT never to her face ... and she said it would have been so nice to have just one person TELL her.
So on the behalf of MY MUM i would like to say to all young Mum's that work just as hard at the job of being a Mother like us ALL together " Always, always BE PROUD of knowing within you of being such a WONDERFUL MUM to your child/children "
Cheers from ' old Mum ' Lorelle & 2.5yr old Cendrine xox
Hi Amanda, ... just wanted to pop by & say i was at the other end of the scale as at my older age group all my friends already had their children years before me and were going back into the workforce when i was leaving work having my 1st baby.
I certainly felt alone like you BUT a few months after having my baby (i was housebound for those mths as my baby had severe colic) i started going to playgroups, or anything of that kind nature to do with programs with babies or pre-schoolers i then found people of my kind of world and it felt such a relief
So don't worry Amanda it will take time but it will all come together when baby is here ... so just focus on enjoying your magical pregnancy journey for now (and please DO talk to you GP or midwives on how you are feeling now so they can help guide you) !!!
How has being a young parent changed your life?
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... so just focus on enjoying your magical pregnancy journey for now (and please DO talk to you GP or midwives on how you are feeling now so they can help guide you) !!!
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