I definitely agree that there's a ridiculous stigma attached to young parents these days - I was 20 when I fell pregnant with DD1 (who, FWIW, was planned and very much wanted), but I still was made to feel quite often by people that I was doing something wrong or that I was too young, stupid and naive to make a good mother.
My GP was great - he knew me before I fell pg and I never felt judged. The staff at the hospital where I received shared care and gave birth, however...
For instance, I devoured all the information I could find about pregnancy, labour, birth and post-natal care. But the midwives who handled me at the hospital never listened to me, seemed shocked when I came into appointments with a list of things I wished to discuss with them and argued with their 'expert' opinions if I felt that they were ignoring my concerns and wishes and wanted to choose another path (bear in mind my pregnancy was completely textbook and complication-free, it's not like I was demanding a homebirth when I had pre-eclampsia, for example - I was not being unreasonable in my requests, but they treated me like I was a moron and acted like nobody under the age of 30 is able to educate themselves and know their own bodies).
After I gave birth, I nearly bled to death and ran into difficulty with breastfeeding. One midwife I had was great - she tried to help me stay positive and find a solution (sadly, my body needed to heal itself before focusing on making milk, so despite my best efforts DD1 ended up on formula). Another midwife, however, was a real cow about it - alternately telling me to 'just give up' because 'you're going to have enough to deal with when you go home without trying to BF when you're useless at it', and then turning around and refusing to give DD1 a comp feed of formula when she'd been screaming for hours on end and I was at the end of my rope with frustration and feeling like a failure - 'Nope, you reckon you want to BF, so do it - babies cry, that's just part of the whole parenting thing'.
When I had DD2, it was a beautiful delivery - I was up and walking around within minutes, and asked to be discharged within a couple of hours. BFing was already halfway established (enough so that I felt entirely confident I could take it from there, and if it didn't happen, I had bottles and a pump ready at home to put to good use), I felt amazing and knew I would be better off in the comfort of my own home where I could relax. The midwife, when I asked her to get the doctor to come and see me to discuss early discharge, snorted and said, 'You're dreaming - you had a big bleed'. 'No I didn't, I delivered the placenta and went to have a shower.' 'Yes you did, it's in your notes, you're not going anywhere for at least 48 hours.' 'Umm, no - I had a bleed *last* time because I was induced, this labour was spontaneous and I feel fine, no bleeding.' 'Don't get smart with me - your notes say you lost a lot of blood so you're just going to have to deal with it.'
Well, I think I would, you know, REMEMBER bleeding half to death a couple of hours ago, wouldn't you? She refused to even fetch the doctor to speak to me, I had to get up and go find another midwife to help me out (and sure enough, the doctor flipped through my records, asked me two questions, told me to take some Vitamin C tablets and told me to go home lol).
At home, the midwives came around twice over the next two weeks to check in, and seemed disbelieving that I was coping okay with everything. Then they got up me for co-sleeping, telling me I'd 'never forgive myself if I rolled on her', and then got shirty when I asked them what they actually knew about the statistics of co-sleeping and SIDS if the parents were following the 'rules' (ie not smoking/drinking/drugging, weren't overtired and weren't sleeping in a waterbed etc). Like, 'How dare you know more than we do, or how dare you not do exactly as we tell you - we're the experts, we know better'.
I went to high school with a girl who was pregnant with her first child at 17. Get this - the principal of the school expelled her. The official word was that the student was 'disruptive' (ha! No more 'disruptive' than half the other students, definitely not enough of a pain to warrant even a suspension, let alone exclusion!), but we all knew it was because the principal thought she was 'making the school look bad'. Bear in mind this was not some prestigious private school - it was a public school that had a fair proportion of students from not-so-desirable homes and backgrounds. The principal, for whatever reason, just had something against teen mothers and took out his own issues on this poor student. THe principal also disciplined the yearbook committee for daring to include a photo of the heavily pregnant student at a school disco - 'What are the other parents going to think of this school when they see *that*?!'
I just think the stigma surrounding young and teen parents is so unjustified. Sure, not all teens make good parents, but then I can think of *plenty* of instances that have been in the media where a person over the age of 25 has also proved to be a terrible parent. Age is not an indicator in how good your parenting skills are going to be, and society needs to get over its hang-up when it comes to young mums (and dads).
I think we often gripe about how society is making kids grow up too fast, but in some ways I think the problem is that we're actually infantilising children who are almost adults. Only in western society do 'teenagers' actually exist - in other cultures, you are a child, and then you are an adult - no in between.
Our grandparents commonly married in their late teens or early 20's and started families soon after - and it appears they did a decent enough job of it, so why is it now suddenly 'disgusting' to have a family before you're 30? We would never dream of asking a mother who is in her 30's whether she is 'still with the father', or whether her children all 'belong to the same bloke' - yet it's common for older parents to be single or have children from different relationships... but that's somehow okay?
Lol ugh, sorry for the rant... I just have a real problem with people assuming and judging based solely on the fact that I chose a family over a career. Motherhood is generally undervalued throughout society, but younger parents really bear the brunt of it.
Anyway, to add something to what you actually want from us rather than just getting on my horse about being mistreated for being young... yes, I think young parents DO need more support, purely BECAUSE society places such a stigma on being a young parent. If that stigma didn't exist, we would need no different support than a first-time mum who is 32. I feel that young parents are more prone to screw up or need help because they're aware all eyes are on them, waiting for them to make a mistake, and they kind of stumble, kwim? Younger people can get so confused, and not know who to trust - I'm lucky in that I have great familial support (oh, they weren't happy at first lol, let me tell you, but they soon came around and now they can see I'm doing a great job), and I'm confident enough to ask for help/advice when I need it, rather than trying to prove I can do it on my own. That's where another problem lies, I think - young parents are so determined to show everyone that they can do it, they don't always seek help or listen to good advice when they need it.
Last edited by Glamourcide; July 24th, 2009 at 09:12 AM.
Yeah there is definitely a stereo class that pops into people's head when you say young parents. Especially young single mums. Which is really sad to think people judge so easy. I myself am a single father to my son who turns 3 in a couple of weeks. It?s been just me and him since his mother and I separated when he was 2 weeks old. She isn't a part of his life and we haven't seen or heard from her in 2 years. But I think being a young single father I don't get looked down upon as much as young single mothers. Which makes no sense to me at all?
I was only 18 when my son was born and was a huge change in my life. Definitely had to mature quickly and everything soon revolved around being a father and not the normal things guys are doing at my age, like clubbing and drinking every weekend. And when his mother and I separated when he was only 2 weeks old and left and moved to a place over an hour away from us. That was definitely a huge challenge. Thinking back now I'm not sure how I did it all. As before my son was born I hadn't even really held a baby before let alone looked after one. Plus I was now living on my own in my house, so my parents weren't there for back up. (But they did live close by which was good for me.)Things actually went really smoothly. I was very lucky to have a son, that was as perfect as a baby could be, never got sick, always feed well and was sleeping through the night at a young age.
But what I found very strange about it all was the lack of support from the hospital or support workers. When my ex partner was pregnant, she was seeing a support worker at the hospital as they her midwife seen early warning signs she may not cope, which turned out to be right in the end... But after we separated, she moved away and I didn't hear anything from the hospital about them offering any support or advice for me. After all, I was only an 18 year old male with a 2 week old baby on my own. I would have thought they might have been keen to offer help. But they didn't. I did have the usual maternity nurse visits but that was about it. She suggested that I joined a young mums group that was near by where I lived. So I went there to inquire about joining and was told I was unable to join as I was a male. So I looked into joining a fathers group, but unfortunately there where none.
So I just gave up on the idea. I wasn't in need of desperate help or advice or anything. Just after a friendly ideas and a nice conversation. I was one of the lucky ones as I said, things went really well for me and being a parent just seemed to suit me. But it makes me think about the people out there that might not have had it that good, and really needed the extra support. I just hope they found it, as it seems you really need to go out there and really search for it. It's not something that?s just offered, which I think it should be. Maybe handing out packs of information solely about support available before leaving the hospital.
There are so many bad stories we all hear about young parents. I think more needs to go into the education and support to try reduce these acts from happening... As maybe if it was another guy instead of me in my same situation, that could have been turned out completely different.
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