DSS has come to live with us permanently VENT

[anney]

Cass, the points in your email are totally valid too. You just have lots more emotion in there! I think you should redo the email so that when dh receives it, he will think everything you said is "reasonable" as they are great points to be making.

[maybebaby2012]

I'm sorry this is so difficult for you, it's not always easy to love a child that is not your own, in the same way you do yours. And when you resent someone, everything they do seems 10 times worse. I have to say, your husband sounds like a good, good man. It's so easy for people to just wash their hands of their offspring as though they never existed when a relationship breaks down, for him to be so committed to your DSS really shows his character and heart. I really hope you are all able to settle into a new dynamic that is comfortable for all of you soon. I'm sure in but a few years he will be ready to move on and your family dynamic won't feel quite as strained. Best of luck!

[Cass72]

thanks ladies. I just need to know that I'm not being unreasonable. I hate being so resentful it tears me up inside.

[trishalishous]

Set some rules.
These need to be on the days he is home

He does his own washing, puts it on the line then puts it away
Gets tea ready one night a week
Is given some household tasks. This is not being hard on him, this is teaching him life skills when he moves out
No extra spending money unless he earns it
He cleans up after himself........like everyone else in the house does

In all households boundaries need to be set and examples given. You cannot favour one child over another regardless of what happened before as you are now a unit and need to learn to live as one.

Your DH is not doing him any favours by letting him do nothing.
In the 'real world' things happen, it's how you deal with them that build you as a person

Agree times 100! Im not in a blended family, but Ive seen the results (BIL) of 'gently gently' to not 'push away' a teen (30yo BIL spends 23 hours a day on the computer or sleeping, the other hour is either hanging out with 'mates' or playing music. No high school certificate, no job, FIL still supporting him etc)

[Cass72]

Maybebaby - DH is a wonderful husband and father. I do feel horrid about it all because like he says he de feels like the meat in the sandwich. He doesn't go on about it alot but I do know that he suffers guilt (rightly or wrongly I don't know) about not being there for the kids.

Rivlas & Trishalishous - I think there are some great points there (actually I like all of them). I don't hesitate in asking DS1 to do things around the house (tonight he's cooking dinner as we won't be home til 7).

Anney & Catastrophic - sometimes just writing (and not sending) is enough. I get out my thoughts (aka resentments) without repercussions. I can (and have in the past) said things in haste that would have been better left unsaid.

Thanks everyone for your hugs and support - I can never quite get over how you get such positive support on the Belly Belly site. The support is always honest even if sometimes not quite what we want to hear!

[Rouge]

I'm totally pot kettle black here. As I don't get the teens in this house to do enough... But I think everyone is right.

Please also get counselling.

The next thing I want to say may be in that bit of "not what I want to hear" so please bare with me.

I've been where you are, I've been easily agitated. Resentful of lack of privacy or space. But I basically had to get over it. It's not their fault. And I would HATE to ruin a beautiful relationship because of my own selfishness. We are so lucky. Yes there are plenty of other people in the world who don't have to share their families. But there are plenty who do. And I think we get too jealous of other people's situations that we don't appreciate our own and work towards making it better.

I know for me I have a lot of single friends, who get time out with their partners every other weekend. I ENVY that. I would give ANYTHING to have that quality time with my DH. However, the hard work that goes into being a single parent they damn well deserve every second of it. I get to be with my partner all the time. Whether it's quality or not.

As for your DH I can't imagine not having my son a part of my life for 8 years and then having him come to live with me permanently. There's a lot of boundaries and ground work that needs to be built up there. And it's not going to be as easy as making ground rules and sticking by them. There's not enough history there for it to be comfortable to do that. And the last thing you want to be is the evil stepmother. Try as hard as it is not to resent him for him being in your space, because the last thing you want is for that to cross over into your patience levels with him.

Take one day at a time. Be patient, but fair, and consistent. And try and see the good in this situation as I'm sure there is some. And slowly it will work out. But it's a slow process. And you will gain from this not lose out I swear!

[KimB]

I'm sorry but I would have sent it. It would have been a big wake up call to your DH. If you are a family then EVERYONE has to work at it and your DSS should have been made to follow the house rules right from the start. hunny it can be so hard

[Cass72]

Rogue - your advice isn't in the "not what I want to hear" category. On the contrary everything you say is true. I hate being the evil stepmother (which I am at the moment....in fact I'm channelling her in ernest!). BUT, knowing this doesn't make it easier. Thank you!

KimB - I did want to send it but you know I was worried about upsetting/hurting him. I think it's family meeting time - in fact I'm going to insist on it on the weekend. Thanks.

[Rouge]

Brilliant. We have these often. And I find the best way for improvement (well it has been in my house) has been gentle reminders (even if they are frequent ) and leading by example. I believe that often the seed of thought is another good tool. Good luck. I'm sure you are and will be an ace 2MIC