Insensitive ex MIL and H (vent)

[tan32]

I had to put this out there to see what others thought or if i am just over reacting.

My 9 year old DD was talking to me last night about what she wants to do when she gets older. She has told me before that she would like to be an animal photographer and i have told her I am happy for her to do what ever she chooses as long as it makes her happy.
Anyway my DD starts crying half way through, she tells me her Nana and Dad have told her its not a good job and she wont make any money doing it. WHat the......... Why would you crush the dreams of a 9 yr old child.
So i calm her down and tell her that perhaps she could do animal photography as a hobby or part time job and doing something else she liked as a job to make money. She was happy with this and said how she liked to help out her friends with problems at school so maybe she would like to be a counsiler.
I said that sounded like a good idea.
Then the topic changed to some grief counsilling she recieved at school around this time last year as my granddad passed away and My DD had always been close to him and my Nana who also passed. She beame quite upset again and it took me along time to calm her down, she wished that they would come back and cried her little heart out.
After a while she stopped we talked and cuddled and she fell asleep exhausted. This morning she said she told her Nan how she hears songs that remind her of her great Nana and Grandad to which her nana replied ah well you just have to rememeber then get on with it and forget.

I am so mad at them
i feel like they just have no idea and need to get their heads out of their butts and have compassion for this child.

DD is a very sensitive child and simple things upset her, several teachers have brought to our attention how sensitive she is to things.

ARghhhhhhhhh

[Chalalan]

I'm really sorry Tan that people dont always say the right thing. Can I play devils advocate and just say maybe they genuinely thought they were saying the right thing and didn't realise your DD would ever take it to heart? I'm really sure that they wouldn't have meant to hurt her. Its awful that your little girl is upset, are you able to ask your ex MIL & DD's dad to be a little more gentle in future?

Hugs to you and Hugs to your DD.

[aussienic]

My MIL is the same. Once when my Ds1 was around 4 he asked for a little kitchen to cook on like daddy (daddy was a chef at the time) FIL and MIL said why would you want a job like that.. Its not a good career choice.. I'm like he's 4!!!

And I am sire photographers can make a decent wage depending on thier talent.. If this is what your daughter wants to do look into maybe getting her a camera of her own if possible of course.

I too have a sensitive almost 9 yr old. same Ds1 who Inlaws said nasty comment about career choices too.. and in reality shouldnt our job be about what we enjoy not what we can earn??

to your Daughter

[Chalalan]

and in reality shouldnt our job be about what we enjoy not what we can earn??

Definitely AussieNic! Really, at 9, 4, any age...kids can say they want to be a ballerina, a rocket scientist, a circus clown, a tiger, or a doctor and the answer from parents / grandparents should be - 'you'd make a great [insert career choice here]'

I was more concerned with Nanna's response to death of grandfather, that's where I meant that she probably really thought she was saying the right thing.

I find it really odd that people would give career advice to a 4 year old or a 9 year old!? Why??

[mrsmac]

You might like to point out that Steve Parish makes a fairly good living taking photos of animals!!

[tan32]

the thing that got up my nose, was ex MIL said the same things to me, at the time though i was 18 and old enough to ignore her, you see i became a council worker, i was told it was a dead end job and i wouldnt earn enough, i now am a team leader, acting supervisor have a trade in horticulture and am half way through my diploma, i am still at the same council and i actually bring home more then my ex H and my current DH who both happen to be electricians, but besides that i love my job, i wanted to work outside with nature and thats exactly what i do.
My beautiful DD can do what ever makes her happy.

My Ex MIL and H have never understood the relationship my DD has not only with her grandparents from both our sides but also my HUbbies family and all great grandparents. She loves family i think its because they make her feel secure after all she went through a seperation and divorce at the tender age of 1.

[tiggerandpooh]

oh tan - I so understand your anger and frustration. the lioness within you just rears up doesn't it when someone, especially someone you would think would know better!, says hurtful careless things to your children. My ex MIL has said some horrendous things to my DD - including a statement about being fat. I could have throttled her. especially as DD isn't even remotely fat. After that particular comment we went through MONTHS of repairing her body image, and still have to do repair work on occasion.

I think you did the best thing ever for you daughter Tan, you were there for her, you held her while she cried, comforted her and rebuilt her dreams. You were a wonderful mummy....

[Nelle]

Ahh poo to negative people. You are supportive of your daughter, teaching her that if she has a dream then she should give it a go, teaching her to be confident, that she can achieve many great things. With your encouragement, she'll learn to try new things and take educated risks, and the more those pay off and work out well (even if 'working out well' just means that it's a lot of fun), the less she'll pay attention to negative and unhelpful comments.

Maybe you guys could grab a camera and take photos of...I dunno, what's in your area that can be photographed? Ducks? Rosellas? If one turns out well, maybe blow it up and frame it - how encouraging would that be!

What a pain that people try to be practical and adult with kids...let them see all the possibilities that life offers them, let them be kids! As if money will make anyone happy anyway!
No wonder you're peeved at the ex's, but I'd say your encouragement and love will speak much louder than their negativity.

[Kitt3n]

blah - bloody MILs, especailly x MILS! (i know exactly where you are coming from here hun, and wont even begin to give you examples).

My DD is a sensitive littel thing too - she still cries about her dog that passed away over a year ago. LIttle things like that, she has a tough exterior but the most precious of tender little hearts.

Her "fathers" family often say and do things just like that which upset her no end. The sad thing about it is that they have pushed her away, she doesnt want to go and see them, not even to call them no matter how i encourage her. (i still think they are her family so she should still have a good relationship with them, buggered if ill ever understand the mentality).

So i guess its up to you to keep your little girls dreams alive - i would love to hear from you in 15 years to find out she has become Sir David Attenbrough's still life photography assistant!

You go little one, follow your heart - nasty words from grandma wont make you happy, but if taking photos makes you smile then that smile is worth more money than will ever end up in your pocket in granma's choice of career.

[tan32]

Thank you for all your kind words, she has her own digital camera that she got for christmas, Dh and i talked about it last night and we are going to buy her the card to go in it and then i will take her down to the park so she can snap away at the ducks etc. We have 2 cats and 2 dogs and 2 guinea pigs that im sure will be great subjects for her.

Kitt3n the same thing is happening with my DD now, she was there for the weekend but phoned me this morning to come get her.

[~StarBright~]

Hi tan- (and Kitt3n too) i couldnt go past this post without congratulating you both on how you are handling things!!

I know how your little girl feels- as I was that sensitive when i was young- and my family were JUST like your ex- MIL and H- and i wish that i had of had a mummy who stood by and encouraged me like you are doing!! She does now- but it took many years and a divorce for it to happen!! I now dont speak to the other side of my family becuase they still pick on my sensitivety and continuely put me down (sorry hi-jacking here!!) and just generally dont make me feel good- Kitt3n- hence your little girl not wanting to go there- i'm not suprised- i bet to put it simply- she feels yucky around them and it seems like she knows its best to stay away from that yucky-ness. And tan i guess your little girl is feeling the same if she is calling you asking you to come and get her.

Keep doing what you are both doing and stick up for your little sweethearts and let them be themselves!! Your support will help them grow into self assured confident young women!!! Keep up the good work!!

[tan32]

just an update,

I took my DD to the GP tonight , while she was there she was talking to him about his dogs, he had pictures up of his dogs. They had a great conversation and she chatted away, at the end of her appointment he told her she had to promise him one thing. that was that she stayed at school and studied, he told her she was bright and clever and very well spoken, he told her she would be an excellent journalist etc as she had great skills. She smiled so much it was fantastic. AS we left he said to her now make sure you stay at school, you can do anything you want to do you are a good clever girl.
I was rapt.
The Gp we went to is in what is classed as a low social economic area, i grew up there and there are a lot of school drop outs etc. What a kind wonderful gentleman to take time to inspire a small child.

[pegasus]

One thing I'd like to say to those that want to shoot down the dreams of kids, is the fact that they're kids! Kids can change their minds as they get older. I grew up wanting to be a nurse. Then a childcare worker, then a scientist (yeah big reach there, lol). I have tried nursing (got pregnant, left.) I have tried childcare (breakup stress, work stress, mum stress, left.) Now I'm seriously considering teaching.

Keep encouraging her to follow her dreams. Sure if things don't work or or she changes her mind, she'll always know that you were behind her the whole time. Tell your ex-fam that she is going through a hard time with grief, and that all it takes for her to feel better is encouragement. If they believe that her dream is not good enough, then tell them to find a way that would make it work and have DD be happy. If she wants to be an animal photographer, perhaps that could work in conjunction with being a tour guide, or being a zookeeper. Or a biologist, a nature worker anything to do with animals and wildlife.

I'm happy she has a dream. I wish I'd stuck to my dreams. But now my dream is to study and have a career, in whatever field it may be. You are a great mother and do not let yourself feel otherwise. I don't know much about what you've been through, but all I know is that you've been through a divorce and have met someone new and made your family grow and complete. That's all I ever hope for. You give your family strength, and in turn you need the strength of your family to help your children. Good luck and well done!

[tan32]

I just wanted to update on this thread, we got DD a card for her digital camera and went away on holidays to Qld, she had a great time taking photos of lizards etc and her pets. I think she did a great job for a 10 yr old girl.

I have posted some of her pics here https://www.bellybelly.com.au/forums...hp?photo=12151