I did it, I told DD about her biological father

[Pandora]

Your DH is acting like a selfish child.
You have done the right thing. Unless there's a threat to your child from knowing or contacting their father, your DH has no right to stop them having a relationship.
He's manipulating you and being emotionally abusive.
I hope he starts being reasonable soon.

[*Sparklez*]

Just wanted to pop in and give you another huge hug hun.
And also see how your doing?


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[littlelara]

I really think you did the right thing.
When is your dh due home? I really think he will calm down once he sees for himself that everything is ok. Have they spoken? How was your dd today?
I can hear the stress in your post from this morning, I hope you're ok

[Rouge]

I'm going to go against the grain here and say I can understand why he is upset. I think given you both have shared raising this child, and the father has had zero contact he is by all rights her father and should have a say in how this was dealt with. Of course he's upset, he's probably terrified he is going to lose his daughter. I would be too. Having gained an unbiological child as my own recently if something or someone threatened what we have now I'd be terrified too, and I'd probably say some irrational things. Personally (whilst I don't know your history) I think you really should have got some professional help in on this one, not just for your daughters sake, but for the sake of your husband and your marriage, and so you as parents can both work out a way on how best to deal with this. Yes there isn't any right time for her to deal with this, but at 6 she is completely emotionally and psychologically unequipped to deal with this and process it on her own.

Put yourself in her shoes and in his and you might get a better idea of what they are both going through. No you aren't selfish, nor do I think you have done the wrong thing, but I do think you need to get some help for you all. This isn't just about you or about your daughter, blood or not a father is hurting and he needs some support too.

[nothing2lose]

I tend to agree with Rouge (having been a step parent who raised two boys as my own for nine years who I "lost" when I split with their father). Being a non-biological parent is very tenuous. Basically you have next to no legal rights (unless you adopt the child/ren).

Just to throw something else into the mix, your DD might also be feeling rejected by her biological father. She is probably wondering why she wasnt "good enough" for him to stay around and be a part of her life. It doesnt matter how good a dad your DH is to her, she will inevitably feel a bit abandoned even if she doesnt remember her biological father. That realisation will be effecting her self esteem as well, even if she cant verbalise it. She might also feel scared that it makes her relationship with your DH less permanent or more tenuous. She might be thinking if my "real" dad didnt stick around, why should my "other" dad???

I agree she needed to know and I definitely think you need to consult a counsellor.

Best of luck.

[Gigi]

How are you feeling?

i hope you are able to sleep tonight.

The sooner your DH comes home, and all of you can speak together, the better (i hope).
So all three of you can have a good cry together, a good hug together and go on with your lives.

Something must have happened, for you to tell your DD, without your DH home, I'm sure you have your reasons - (nothing is as cut n dried, as it appears online).

You love your DD, i'm sure you did what you did, out of love for your DD.

You sound like you're having a nerve wracking time, waiting for your DH to come home, i hope you don't have too much more of a wait.

Good luck hon. I'm hoping when the dust settles, things won't seem so drastic.

[Shades]

Yes there isn't any right time for her to deal with this, but at 6 she is completely emotionally and psychologically unequipped to deal with this and process it on her own.

I think the younger DD is 6 - the one that was told is nearly 9 (from the other thread). So a little older and perhaps more capable of processing?
I do agree that the Dad should have been involved but by all accounts (also in the other thread) he was flat-out refusing to even have the conversation - the OP felt it was wrong to withhold the information and was quite upset at being made to continue the deception, so in desperation took this opportunity when it came up.

[Miss_Dee]

I don't really know much about your situation, just what I've seen in here. But you did the right thing, without a doubt. My mum and uncle are both adopted and always knew.They were so young when they were told they don't actually remember. Same with me, my sisters and cousins, we've always known Mum and my uncle are adopted. My Pop is actually Mum's Step Dad and even though her Father was in her life, Pop was always more of a Father in the sense that he helped raise her while her Father was off with his other family. My Uncle's eldest daughter is not biologically his, he met my Aunty when my cousin was a baby and he ended up adopting her. I believe she was around 10 when she was told. Despite all of this, our family is our family. Mum and my Uncle see my Nan as their Mother, no question. My Uncle's biological parents contacted him a few years ago and they have a great relationship, but that doesn't change the fact that Nan is his Mum. Nan and Pop are Nan and Pop to all of us kids. Blood means nothing as far as we are concerned. DNA doesn't make you a parent, it's the relationship that makes you a parent. I can see why your DH is reacting the way he is, but it is unfair and very childish. It would do far more damage to the relationship both of you have with your DD for her to find out later in life by some other means.

Nan gave Mum this beautiful poem which I think is appropriate and is really what DH should focus on.

Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart,
But in it.

[Rouge]

6 or 9 it is still hard. My 9 year old is one of the most mature young girls you would ever meet, yet she would still struggle. Just as a teen or even an adult would. Like I said there is no right or wrong, but how you deal with it from here is extremely important.

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

hun, how are you today?
Right or wrong (in anyones eyes) whats done is done and i hope your DH has thought things through and is now supporting you and M?
How is she today, is she still asking questions?
Have you spoken with DH?

Hope your ok gorgeous.

[Cocolove]

Thank you for all your support, DH is ok now & can see the M is ok, yeah shes asking random questions as she thinks of them & thats ok i am answeing them all honestly, they are only small things like what would her last name have been if her dad wanted to see her and does she look like him etc, she knows im open and she wont get in trouble for any questions she asked.

DH came home last night and this morning M couldnt wait to see him even more than usual

As for DH & I thats another thread, the past couple of days have brought up some things which have been happening over the last month or so and im not sure where we are headed at the moment.

again, thanks for everyones love & support

[*Sparklez*]

Hun, I'm so glad your special little girl is able to be open and curious with you, that's a great way for your relationship to be!
As for you and your DH I really do hope everything can be sorted an you guys can work it out and remain a beautiful family! xox


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[Sunny Love]

A wonderful sense of relief threestimesblessed (even if its slight) that things are not as stressed emotionally as they have been. I think Rouge has put a very thoughtful perspective across that is accomodating of everyones needs. I have hope that you and DH can work through your current issues proactively and successfully.
All the best xx