Hello im about to make a new will with my new partner(8years). I have a 16 year old daughter and we have 2 young dd together. I think the children should all be treated as equals but dp seems to want them to be treated differently he wants to leave 16 year old with $10 000 cash and $10 000 shares but his two dd and myself an equal share of around $700 000 as he wants HIS girls looked after!! he has looked after 16 year old for the past 8 years and seems to be very negative towards her she on the other hand is a great girl fantastic grades earns her own pocket money with a part time job and other than the occanional teenage problems (rolling eyes etc ) isnt any trouble. Is it wrong of me to expect some equality or just sit back and take it. My 16 year olds dad passed away when she was only 2 and dp is the only real dad she has known. He does treat the girls differently in everyday life and this also upsets me im not sure how to think or feel at the moment and not sure if this is the last straw for me i just want the girls to be sisters as equals not as his girls and mine is it wrong of me to want this. sorry for the rant thanks for reading. will things ever change!!
ultimately, he can't tell you what to put in your will, you can't tell him what to put in his. it sucks, as it would be so much easier if you could agree and put everythingin writing equally. i think, given his attitude towards your eldest, you need to make sure she is taken care of adequately if something happens and you pre-decease your current partner. as much as it would be ideal for him to continue caring for her, and you leaving everything to him to take care of your children, it doesn't sound like it would happen. in this case, i would leave a PERCENTAGE of your estate to each of your children - not a dollar amount. you might say $100k now - but if you don't die for another 50 years (here's hoping!) and don't have the same value of assets, it will be difficult to administer.
at this stage, if i were you, i'd leave a quarter of YOUR estate to each of your girls, quarter to your DP. the girls stuff in trust, his he can have (or pick another number - just ballpark numbers here). if he pre-deceases you, then his share can also be divided between the three girls.
for his will, there is nothing you can do - ultimately, you can sit down and have matching wills, but he can turn around next day, behind your back, and draw up another one - so it's best to be open to it. if he doesn't agree with what you want to do with yours, fine, he can do his own.
if there is something specific you want any of your children to have, list it in your will. it might be something that seems obvious as you've discussed it a million times (like DD1 gets your mum's wedding ring or something) - but having seen the absolute worst of family issues following the death of someone without an iron-clad will, i would suggest being VERY specific (esp for dd1 if dp is already being difficult) - also tie up custodial issues. at 16, dd1 isn't really old enough to have to go it alone, and if dp is being difficult, she may not wish to live with him. you need to have it in writing who is to get custody if something were to happen before she reaches adulthood (i think the wording would have to state that care of any minor child goes to DP, but if he pre-deceases you or is unable/unwilling to care for said children, care goes to....).
i would seriously think this is a will that needs to be dealt with by a solicitor as it could potentially get very messy. i would also not make DP executor - just my opinion - but i think you need a neutral outsider...
our wills, at this stage, are set up as follows:
whoever goes first, the other gets everything.
if both go at same time, or other partner pre-deceases, value of assets will be equally divided between any children we have - if they're minors, that will be put in trust until they are 21
if we don't have children, everything goes equally to my bro's three children, held in trust until they turn 21.
we had to have it explicitly listed in our wills that DH's family (for various reasons) get nothing - and we had to outline why.
I'm pretty appalled at your partner's attitude! My step-father has left most of his assests to my mum, but has designated a pretty large portion to his kids as well......and when I say 'his kids', I mean my brother and myself as well as his daughters from a previous marriage, as he considers us all his children! I certainly don't expect that, but it's what HE wants to do. And he's not even my biological father.
As for my mum, there's no way she would have any of her children miss out. What a way to cause problems within a family! IMO all children should be treated fair and equal. It's YOUR money, I would leave it to whoever you want. And remember, while you may not be here to deal with the hassles.........do you really want your kids to be fighting over your money? Or for there to be any ill-will amongst them? Because that's what almost always happens when these things are not done FAIRLY.
Will things ever change? It sounds as though your partner is not going to change unless you make it clear that he needs to. TBH I really feel for your DD1, and would hope that he won't always treat her differently. Have you explained to him how you feel?
Last edited by Janie; August 11th, 2008 at 10:55 AM.
Wow..having my two eldest dd's from a previous relationship, I would be outraged if my Dh treated them any differently. I am really feeling for your eldest dd and hoping that she hasnt picked up too much on this. I personally wouldnt tolerate the girls being cared for differently.
It must be breaking your heart to be in a situation like that. Please let me know if this is out-of-line in anyway. Its sad to here that your partner is being that way to your eldest dd. Like you have mention, she has lost her real father at a very young age, and has only known your partner as her father. I think it would be a lot more different if she didn't live with you, like other family situations. But she lives with you guys and always has, and its very sad to know shes treated as not an equal by him. Especially that his been in her life as her other parent for 8 years.
I hope I haven't sounded nasty in anyway, if I have, I do apologies sincerely
DH has a son from a previous relationship, he is 11. DH and I have been together for 9 years and we have two daughters together. We have spoken about our will just recently. Both of our daughters will get more then DH son will, but his son will still get something, even that we don't have that much to give just right now. This would be different if his son lived with us. DH and I do believe that this is fair as if we both died, our daughters need to be taken care of as they will have lost both parents. DH son will still have his mother and stepfather.Most of our money etc would go to the carer of our daughters to help them raise them.
My DH has told his father he doesn't want anything out of his will.
Out of the 4 kids only the 2 youngest are FILs, but he wants to give them all the same.
DH thinks its not fair & feels like he's taking away from his brother & sister.
But then if something happened to MIL & FIL, I'm pretty sure we'd take responsibility for the others anyway, so the money would go back to them in the end I guess.
BTW - FIL has always treated the kids equally. He is DHs father, & DH & his brother are FILs sons. & he is a very proud father of both of them. Always talking them up. You can just tell when he talks about them that they are just as much his world as his own 2 kids.
Last edited by ~clover~; August 11th, 2008 at 11:57 AM.
DH and I are currently doing our wills and we have come up with is half our assests for each of us to split up. We both had very little when we got together (his ex got most of it when they split up and he had debt. We both worked hard to clear this and get where we are)
So his 5 kids (DD, DS and DSS) get 10% of total from him
and our 2 kids get 25 % of total from me.
So our 2 end up with 35%.
We have done this as DSS will also inherit from their mother so it is different from your situation.
DH did however mention this to his ex ( I had told him not toas it really is none of her business) and she took it that I was ripping her kids off so it may unfortunately get ugly later on.
thanks so much for your replys they have helped me and i apriciate your honesty i have made a few decisions and im now thinking more clearly i hope i never have to leave my girls but i hope my will takes care of them as equals. i have talked about equality with my dp but seem to be banging my head against a brick wall!! Its somthing i have to sort out as i do love him but i also love all my girls. its a situation that was raised a few years ago and i think i chose to ignore but has been raised again now with the wills and i think ive realised its not going to change and it hurts more now and makes me see him in a different light
Making a will with a blended family
will things ever change!!
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