A question about stepchildren.

[Reborn]

Mis_tree: I agree that it would be very difficult for Troy to be taken away from his mother. I want to start out slow. The problem is I cant get DH to start and even if he did suddenly want to be proactive in sds's life we wouldnt know where to start. Do we call lawyers before ex? Were going down to her town at Christmas and if we tried to plan a meet up, what would stop her from not showing?

As I said DH doesnt go to the visits. He doesnt like being around his ex. I've told him that its not about her but he still finds it difficult.

[Lulu]

I'm sorry but DH needs to put his own feelings about his ex aside(I mean seriously, whats the worst that could happen???). Not wanting to feel uncomfortable, is not a valid reason for neglecting his relationship with his son. sorry to be so harsh.

I know it's not easy but children need us to be heros. Your DH needs to start being a hero - gawd, Troy is probably BUSTING to say "no, my daddy is BETTER than yours" to some kid at school and he can't say that if he doesn't have one.

Again - DH needs to do this. Support, inspire him and break it down into easy steps - but he has to take those steps himself.

[jolly]

I've read this all with interest and wish to add the following:-

- It really is your partner's responsbility regarding making arrangements for Troy. Before any arrangement can be put in place for Troy to being forming a relationship with your family, there needs to be some level of communication between your partner and his ex. I strongly suggest that you becoming involved would NOT be of assistance and only cause more resistance by the Mother.
- Your partner should firstly make contact with a Family Disptue Resolution Centre or similar mediation organisation. They are cost effective and much less 'confronting' for the ex than receiving a letter from a lawyer and can be found scattered all over Australia. Also, it's mandatory that such 'mediation' is attempted prior to court proceedings in any event. The benefit is that your partner and his ex can discuss Troy in an environment free from threats of court ect. Hopefully they can reach agreement regarding a transitional period for Troy to be reintroduced to your partner (and his new brother).
- If he is unsuccessful with mediation, he should then go and seek legal advice.
- I note that you are 'going down' at Xmas time to the ex's place... i assume you live quiet some distance apart from each other and accordingly a 'joint custody' arrangement is probably unrealistic, it's also unrealistic considering the limited involvement your partner has had in Troys life of late
- If your partner's family spend time with Troy this is a perfect oppurtunity for your partner and you to slowly reintorduce yourselves into troy's life in an environment which is feels comfortable and secure in.

Good luck!

[paradise lost]

I second what Lulu and mistree have said - your DH needs to do this himself. If his dislike for his ex outweighs his desire to be involved with his son then he needs a rethink. It is NEVER easy to deal with an ex when you begin a co-parenting journey after a split but you have to do it anyway.

I commend your interest in Troy, it's wonderful, but as a mother raising her kid in a dual-family scenario i would just be really unimpressed if XP had his new wife do the mediating, especially when she didn't like or respect me and felt i wasn't a good mother. Whatever kind of mum you feel she is, she's done it for longer than you and on her own and is unlikely to welcome your input unless she asks for it (that's how i would feel in her place anyway). It's true that it's not about her, but Troy is 5, his mother is his only parent and the centre of his world still, if he picks up that you don't like her it is no leap for him that you don't like him really either. He is half her, and in upbringing way more than half her, he will feel any disrespect or attack on her as one against him and he's only 5, and cannot protect himself against that. I guess what i'm saying is that in action if not in thought you need to learn to like he, FIND the good in her, for his sake.

My XP does things and lets DD do things which DH and i never would, but we have made a pact that unless it is actually harmful we will always take the view that there are at least 2 good ways to do things (i.e. his and ours) because we never want her to feel that we feel his parenting is sub-standard, when we know she will read that she is bad or wrong for loving her daddy and how he is raising her. To that end we are friends with XP, we all have dinner tgether a couple of times a week, he visits DD almost every day, and she has overnights with him every week. It would be VERY difficult to build the sort of set-up we have (which we see as being the optimal for DD) with a 5-year hiatus in contact, but i'm sure it's possible. Mediation is definitely the place to start. Best of luck hun.

Bx

[Nat82]

Hi, I can understand your situation and I take my hat off to you wanting to include your stepson. Sometimes I wish mine would just disappear!

We have a similiar situation with the X factor. DH used to have a good relationship with her before I came along because he would hand out money all the time (on top of paying the top level of CS for 4 children) and basically bend over backwards for her. Anyway, now things have changed and the X factor really dislikes me.

When we first moved to the same town as the them (after DH had moved away a few years earlier), we never knew when we would see them. Weekends would be organised by sms and it was so ridiculous... So I supported DH to go to mediation and work something out. He did and all of a sudden the children (and me) had more stability. It is going to change again because we are moving, but at least it worked for a while.

I would really suggest mediation for DH and X factor...

[Lulu]

We have a similiar situation with the X factor. DH used to have a good relationship with her before I came along because he would hand out money all the time (on top of paying the top level of CS for 4 children) and basically bend over backwards for her. Anyway, now things have changed and the X factor really dislikes me.

That's really sad. My ex bends over backwards for us and also pays over and above what the CSA declares is enough. It's not because he is walked over or I am demanding, it's because he takes care of his children and their mother.

[Nat82]

My ex bends over backwards for us and also pays over and above what the CSA declares is enough. It's not because he is walked over or I am demanding, it's because he takes care of his children and their mother.

WTF? That's great that he looks after his children, but since when does any man have to care for his ex wife. Isn't that the place of the new partner?? My husband is married to me and doesn't owe a thing to his ex wife, all he needs to do is make sure his children are looked after - which doesn't even happen..

DH agreed to pay the up front lump sum for his daughter's braces if her mother paid for the follow up visits. Well she didn't and the poor girl had to remove her own braces with a fork! Do you think he should have backed out of the agreement and paid all her bills, even though that was her part of the deal?