A question about stepchildren.

[Inanna]

Mmmmm this is a touchy subject for me...

Why should an ex husband pay more if he can? Because raising children costs a damn side more than a formula contrived by a desk Johnny! Because life being difficult financially for the Mother makes it difficult for the kids. Because Mothering is a no pay job...

I can't believe that a child was left to remove dental work with a fork! I could no longer allow that happen to a child if I could avoid it than fly backward to the moon!

Single parenting is damn hard. Damn expensive.

[Nat82]

to remove braces with a fork - that is cruel and painful .

my thoughts exactly. In this case, and many others, the father was unaware of it at the time. It wasn't until I saw the girl and said "wow, your braces are off, that the story came out". Might I add, in this time the mother had enough money to buy a brand new car, go for an overseas holiday, while the children were with us for school holidays and continually entertain her friends with dinner parties. I was also a child of divorced parents and my mother always met my father halfway, which taught me to be an independent woman with a high sense of pride.

[Girl-23]

my thoughts exactly. In this case, and many others, the father was unaware of it at the time. It wasn't until I saw the girl and said "wow, your braces are off, that the story came out". Might I add, in this time the mother had enough money to buy a brand new car, go for an overseas holiday, while the children were with us for school holidays and continually entertain her friends with dinner parties

The ex wife probably thought she was getting back at her ex husband. By how? Letting her daughter suffer. What a stupid thing to do! Poor girl. What the mother did was down right disgusting.

[Lulu]

It's strange how the acceptance of child support suddenly makes your financial position open to speculation by strangers....

[Cupcake]

I have a question for single mummies receiving child support as im a step mum ...

We pay DPs ex exactly what CSA calculate (maybe a few dollars more as its always some random number we just round it up lol), when DSD is in school next year we will pay the CSA amount plus her school fees as i feel thats the right thing to do and its benefitting her education etc (i know its between DP & the ex but i just wanna do the right thing IYKWIM). Now DPs ex cry's poor to us all the time yet the second she gets her child support (or any money) she is out boozing it up or purchasing HUGE tvs (through rent-to-own) I would MUCH rather not pay cash into DPs ex's account and pay for everything else IYKWIM (eg school fees, uniforms, extra curicula activities, excursions etc) but i dont think thats possible ... we know that DSD is not being cared for as she should and us paying more money is not benefitting her in anyway ... should we do it anyway? Id really love some opinions...TIA

Sorry to hijack this thread! But i saw the discussion so thought id ask

[Inanna]

I am sure you don't mean to sound so strident but I gently suggest that looking through a keyhole doesn't give you the full story.

Child support is the right of the children. Kids are expensive little Beings. Providing a home, clothes, entertainment, sport and recreation & health care for kids is very costly. I have five & I know what I am talking about! I came back from the chemist yesterday almost $80 poorer in an effort to budge a nasty flu from my precious daughter and myself. Today I forked out $20 for school cooking for my teenager, $50 for an excursion. Sunday was a $20 fee for entry into netball competition, $100 in fuel running said fruit of my loins to and from their various engagements... That is just off the top of my head in the last few days...

Dinner parties can cost very little and do you want the Mother of your husbands children just sitting alone, sad and socially alone? A single mum on benefits would find it impossible to travel overseas and buy a spanking new car without asisstance. Who would begrudge her the assistance of friends or relatives! The car transports your husbands children! I agree with Lulu how does being in receipt of child support mean that a Woman's finances should become transparent?

Men are very very bizarre creatures (many of course not all) when a relationship irretrievably breaks down. They guard their wallets with the fierceness of a rabid dog - they often use money to punish the partner. Forgetting that this behaviour impacts on the children.

There are few mothers (of course there are some) who will allow their children to suffer.

[Cupcake]

Flower was that in response to my post? sorry ... i know i should not have hijacked

[Inanna]

No my love it was in response to the discussion that was already going - we must have posted at the same time...

In answer to your question though honey...

You cannot choose to pay child support as you see fit. It has to be a joint decision between the father and the mother receiving it. If she agrees to you paying those expenses in lieu of her entitlement then well and good.

If a child is attending a private school an application can be made by the custodial parent to have the CSA amount adjusted to help cover the costs of education IF she was in prvate school at time of separation OR it was agreed she would attend a private school.

I think it's great that you will pay the school fees to ensure a good education for this child - every child deserves a great education.

As for her going out drinking - I can't comment. I just know that it would seem that again single parents are under a microscope often due to no fault of their own. It is a damn tough road raising children alone - sometimes kindness and understanding are good tools to use in dealing with difficult situations.

[Cupcake]

I tried the kindness route ... in the end i got bitten.

We are still paying child support no matter what.

Anyway thats enough of me hijacking, thanks for your response FC xo

[Inanna]

No problem - maybe she is feeling defensive, hurt and raw too honey. I know one of my closest girlfriends who is an amazing amazing mother has had all sorts of accusations hurled at her by her ex husband. Everything from being schizophrenic to an alcoholic. Which is so incredibly ridiculous.

I am sure this isn't the same as your experience but what I am trying to articulate is that this is the oldest argument in the book... The ex wife versus the ex husband.

Again, ifyou are happy to pay her school fees that's great. Child support rarely covers 50% of the costs involved in raising a child. So, doing what you are and paying above is beneficial to the child and this flows on to releasing pressure for the mother.

Remember perhaps in her eyes you are the other woman - she has been the mother for 15 years. We don't all succeed all the time when we Mother - it's tough and thankless largely. All I am saying is do what your heart says and that will benefit this child - but don't go down the dangerous path of thinking she is spending foolishly - maybe it's just different to the way you would.

[Lulu]

But don't married people rent to buy HUGE tellies too? Don't other mothers go out and have drinks too?

Ooooooo, I own TWO cars - just cos I do

I wouldn't raise my kids like some people do - I'm sure my priorities are different to others but it seems some people are not quite satisfied unless I am wearing rags and stuck at home all day (which for the record right now I AM ).

Please don't forget step mummies - it was your choice to get involved with a man with other children. If you don't like the way the other mother parents, or if it's so abhorrent, why not wonder why your partner got involved with someone so damn terrible....

[Inanna]

I know that this is because I am feeling so dang frustrated...

But :yeahthat: to Lulu!

I am a professional, I am intelligent & I am a single parent. It's not my choice. However, because "you always look good" I am paid too much... Because I will get a sizeable chunk of OUR assets I am "ripping him off"... So right now he won't pay child support & my application for spousal maintenance will likely go to court...

There are always two sides to a coin. Money is often the last bastion of control a man feels he has over his Woman... It drives em batty for a while... However, I know it shall pass. But I tell you what if his next partner comments on my poor Mothering, or questions my new Kia Carnival it will be very very difficult to be all Buddhist about it trust me! Why? Cos I have done it damn hard. I have put up with unknowable crap. I am a great Mother & if anyone commented that I had a few drinks now and then I would find it hard to be noice!!!! (I would try really hard but it would be shall we say... difficult!)

[Cupcake]

[QUOTE=Lulu;1917498]But don't married people rent to buy HUGE tellies too? Don't other mothers go out and have drinks too? [QUOTE]

Its got nothing to do with married/unmarried, the fact i get txts/ FB msgs from her saying she is flat broke then going and spending $40pw on a huge tv for the next 3 years ... does that not seem viable to you? (Yes, we know how much the TV costs...it is not my assumtion)

And the fact she cant afford to buy food to feed her child so we keep her at our house a few extra nights but can afford that same weekend to go on a bender...from Thursday to Saturday night drinking. We have mutual friends. This is not heresay...

Im all for her going out and blowing off steam the weekends we have DSD, go your hardest. But dont cry poor to me. Thats all im saying.

I know its got nothing to do with me, i honestly would rather stay out of it. However its her txting me and her FBing me...not contacting DP, contacting me .

[Lulu]

Cut her off your FB then! Eeewww, I couldn't think of anything worse! Tell her to txt your hubby....

Totally get what you are saying. If the child isn't looked after well enough, why don't you take her full time? Oh I know it's not as easy as that, but if the childs welfare is really at stake you have to do something. If it's not, and just her crappy way of managing money you will have to do something different.

I'm sure you can support the child in different ways other than straight cash. You could possibly contact the school and ask them what excursions etc are coming up for the term and pay the school directly, buy the uniforms from the shop yourself (dh's self that is) etc.

He should keep all receipts so CSA can see the support is there.

[Cupcake]

DSD isnt in school yet, she starts 2010. We would LOVE if CS payments could be through school fees, uniforms, excersions, outside of school activities etc. Currently we dont go through the CSA we just have a private arrangement but we are paying more then the CSA would ask anyway. It works for us, should DPs ex wish to go through CSA we would have no problems with it, totally her call.

She isnt a friend on my FB but she can still msg me...? Do i need to block her or something for her to not be able to contact me?

I might suggest to DP that he try work out a private arrangement to pay for everything so we arent giving her cash, just paying for DSD 'expenses' so to speak ... arg money causes so much conflict!

Anywho, thanks for letting me semi vent and passing on your opinions/ advice. Truly appreciate it! Lulu thank you for your honesty too, i appreciate true honest opinions whether im going to like what i hear or not!

[Nat82]

If it's not, and just her crappy way of managing money you will have to do something different.

Our X factor has the same problem, her family can see it, her kids can see it and anyone with half a brain can see it, but at the end of the day it is not our problem. So even if DH were to give her $100 000, it would all be blown at the end of the day and she'd be back begging for me. Well, sorry - with the top level of CS, FTB for 5 kids and a job that earns just under the taxable threshold - enough is enough...

Ammaki - we used to do a private agreement but that was changed after we started taking out DSD's board that X factor had previously paid occassionally - so that DSD could have a bit of stability. Anyway, under the old CSA rules you could pay that as a prescribed payment, but you can't really do that under the new system, unless the other party agrees.

Of coarse, both sides of the fences see things differently. I'm just really lucky that I came from a household with a single mother of 4 children who had NO child support for 3 of the children and a measley $200 a month for one. We still all went to really good schools (Catholic, not Private, but still good), had a good social life and had fun as children without being shipped off to a thousand different activities.