how do you do it?

[kawazuki]

how do you deal with your partners ex, your step sons mother being a **** head?

she never rings the poor boy, she makes him ring and ask to go and see her.
she live 6 hours away, forgets his birthday, doesnt get him anything for christmas

she has 5 other kids which isnt the issue in my eyes.

how do you deal with the poor emotional abuse she is putting him through, his is 8 and doesnt understand it all and doesnt relaise what is happening to him.

how can you comfort someone being treated like that by their own mother.

and to make it worse, he rebels against me and his father, and tells us he hates us and wants to live with his mother who does nothing for him.

we dropped him off to see her for 4 weeks over teh school hollidays and she couldnt even give him a hug or show any affection towards him, her excuse this time was she was sick and had the flu. so i stood up and said well we have all been sick and he magically didnt get sick so he would be fine to have a hug.

it confuses me how you can do that.

and hubby just says thats how she is wont chnage ehr and there is nothing i can say or do to change it and make it better for him because he wants to see her.

[catherinemoses]

It is extremely difficult to understand how a mother can do that to her child. However, there is not really anything you can do about the situation. You just have to love your DsS. I know it is hard to put up with selfish people, but unfortunately there is nothing we can do to change them.
IMO the best thing you can do is to not talk negatively about his mum within earshot of DsS. (It would be better not to talk negatively about her at all and then your attitude/opinion towards her might change, easier said than done I know) She is still his mum and while to us she is selfish and any number of horrible words, He still loves her.
Try not to judge her too harshly (I'm telling myself this too, so please don't be offended, I am struggling in a similar fashion with my MIL). You don't know what pain has gone on in her life that is making her act this way.
I know that an ex is very different to a Mil and that you are having to deal with it in your face all the time. My only advice wold be to try and let your DH deal with her as much as possible. There is no point getting stressed and trying to think of ways or things to say that will make her change, cos it won't happen.
This probably hasn't helped at all.
I hope the situation gets better for you

GL

[kawazuki]

i tell myself all that all the time. and never say anything infront of Dss or when he is even in the house.
i just hate seeing him hurt by her and in a position which he can be hurt.
i do know alot of her background and she is just acting teh same way her mother did to her.
i try to be positive but its so hard

[catherinemoses]

That is just so sad. In a way we really have to feel for her. She has not been taught how to be a mum and thus the cycle goes on.
You sound as tho you are coping fairly well / in a level headed way.
I guess you are doing the best you can do in such circumstances. Just continue to love Dss. He will see one day all of the love you have poured into his life. You may be waiting a long time but I'm sure you will be appreciated one day.
All the best in a crappy situation.

[kawazuki]

i loose it most days lol
but 505 of teh time i handle it. i cry to myself most nights in teh shower as i just feel so sorry for them both, her for loosing the love of her son and the contact that a mother needs. but she just focuses on ehr otehr kids and doesnt spend any time focusing on poor DS.

thanks i really just needed to vent it out as i have held it in so much lately.

[Toomanytoomany]

I think there's nothing worse than watching your child (or step child) hurt and there being nothing you can do about it.

THe relationship with my xh and his kids has been very difficult, and they have suffered a lot of pain and rejection. I have always believed though that it's important for kids to be able to pursue a relationship with both parents, even if this means negotiating through a difficult relationship. My dh has always diligently been there for the kids and not run their father down, and now he is beginning to reap the rewards, as they reach adulthood. It's been hard, but very much worth it.

Thank you for being the sort of step parent who is willing to step in and be loving.

[kawazuki]

i love this little boy like he is my own, and i think thats teh problem i am so protective of him..

i just wish she could see what she is missing out on as he is the most wonderful boy, i feel sorry for her aswell and feel sorry that eh isnt getting the real mother son relationship he deserves from his mother.

but on an up note he comes home on sunday and we have finished his bedroom its all decked out with everything roosters hope he loves it.

[Toomanytoomany]

i love this little boy like he is my own, and i think thats teh problem i am so protective of him..

i just wish she could see what she is missing out on as he is the most wonderful boy, i feel sorry for her aswell and feel sorry that eh isnt getting the real mother son relationship he deserves from his mother.

but on an up note he comes home on sunday and we have finished his bedroom its all decked out with everything roosters hope he loves it.

What was his reaction to his room?

Just to give you some encouragement - my dd2 was in such a bad way a few years ago. Her bio-dad has mucked her around all her life, and she's just had rejection after rejection. And she's taken her anger out on us - because we're there, and we're safe, and our blended family, no matter how loving, has reminded her that it isn't what she wanted, she wants her *dad* to love her, not necessarily her stepdad, although she does love him. (Does that make sense?)

Anyway, after some hellish years, absolute hell, she is seventeen, going back to school after a year off to get herself together, she is getting closer and closer to her step dad and really is a wonderful member of our family, a fabulous big sister and one of my best friends I said to someone at church tonight, "I don't know what I'd do without dd" and I meant it.

It's so worth it, to stick at it. One day they realise what you've done for them, and it all pays off.

[kawazuki]

he absolutely loved it couldnt believe i could do that lol..

i know its just so tough seeing him be dissapointed by his mum so much...

ill be here till i die, he has to try harder if he doesnt want my love lol