My situation was a little different in that I have a stepdaughter who turns 6 in September. I met my fiance through work and have been together now for a little over 2 yrs. He brought a beautiful daughter Maddison into our relationship when she was 3. I had met her a few times - a very shy little thing, but we were very wary of how she was going to deal with the change. At first, she was enamoured by me, fascinated and knew I wasn't there to take the place of her mum. I became more of a friend. I generally don't disciipline her, she always says to me 'you never get cross at me, Bec!' and that's true although, sometimes I will tell her off. She calls me her 'second mum' but she knows she has her real mum. Now her real mum - that's another story! She is not the 'maternal' type if you know what I mean, and now Madds always wants to be over here because she adores her little brother. We have a beautiful son Mason who is 3 months old and they are very close. I was nervous to tell her because I hoped she understood that her mummy and daddy weren't getting back together. She fortunately did and was very excited. Her mum was reasonably good about the whole thing, surprised, but good. She encourages Madds to give him presents and doesn't stop her seeing him.
As for your questions, disciplining, I think, should really be left up to the biological parent when it's all new, unless you are not present. If he doesn't discipline at some stage, the kids will think they can get away with murder around him. His discipline may not be respected but at least he shows that he won't tolerate it and they will learn to respect that. Another way to do it is you tell them off, stating that you don't like it when they hurt your partner and it hurts both your feelings. It's hard for kids so young to understand but I think talking is the best thing. We always talk about things with Madds and I always talk about her mum in a positive way as she is still the main carer. I don't think Madds remembers a time when her mum and dad were together, cos she was so young, she only remembers us and her mum....so the younger the better.
Anyone who is in a blended family should be congratulated though, it is so much harder to make things work when there are three people in a relationship (you, your partner and your childs father).
Hope some of this has helped, it's great that you can come on here and get advice. BTW, I am reading Dr Phil's 'Family First' - I know, I know! And it has really helped me so far.
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