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Thread: Tryng to create a new family after divorce

  1. #1
    Fairymum Guest

    Default Tryng to create a new family after divorce

    Hi there
    Just wanted to see if there were any women out there who were trying to create a new family. Especially interested in those with a new partner without his own kids and own younger children. I am 34 with my new partner being 31 and my daugher nearly 5. We have been together nearly two years and still have heaps of 'teething issues'. Would love to bounce ideas/issues of anyone in a similar situation. It is so so so difficult and I don't have anyone else who really understands . Although I would love to hear from anyone with blended family issues, I guess I am particularly interested in those where the children involved were very young (under 4 or 5) when the couple got together as I think this brings quite different issues with it.
    Waiting to hear from you!!


  2. #2

    Join Date
    Dec 2005
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    Home of the Winery Walkabout!
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    Hi Candi.
    My DH and I got together when my 3 eldest were 5, 3 and 9 months. The teething issues were there but we over came them. Now we have 5 children with another on its way!
    Feel free to msg me if you want.

  3. #3
    Fairymum Guest

    Default Reply to Bellas Mum

    Hi!
    Thanks for posting so quickly, I have heaps of questions... I guess the first is... what do your kids call your partner - and how does having your shared biological children make this difficult? (we are ttc) Is your new partner involved in disciplining you children? At what point do you say enough is enough to your four year old who is constantly cheeky and physically abusive (always kicking, hitting etc..) to partner?!? (But obviously loves him cos insists on having their shared rituals together - e.g. storytime). Also all the literature says - don't expect your new partner to "replace" your children's father... however in my case, my ex-hubby lives on the other side of the country and barely sees our child. In my mind my new partner is becoming my daughter's father...
    What are your views?

  4. #4

    Join Date
    Aug 2003
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    Karingal, Vic
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    Hi Candi
    I left my XDH when Matthew and Joshua were 2 and 5 months. I got involved with Zachary and Christian dad around Matthew's 3rd birthday. It took us 4 years to work out that we were better friends than partners and have been ever since we split when I was pg with Christian. Matthew and Joshua have always called him by his first name and obviously Zachary and Christian call him dad. After this I thought I was destined for a single life until I met Jeff. We knew each other for about 4 years before we got involved and while the boys always call him Jeff they always refer to him as "my step-dad" when they are talking about him. Now that we have Jacob they still call him Jeff and refer to him the same but when they are talking about him to Jacob they call him daddy. Matthew and Joshua's dad isnt really in their lives much except for a phone call here and there and a visit maybe 3 time a year while Zachary and Christian's dad is a part of our lives. We have never told the boys how to refer to Jeff, they have just done it themselves and it's what they feel comfortable with. Matthew will occasionally just introduce him as his dad but we don't correct him as it's what he is comfortable with.
    With the disciplining Jeff and I have always conferred if we are both there otherwise we discuss what happened and the punishment if any if front of the child/ren involved.
    Most importantly to me, my boys are all brothers. There are no halfs or whatever here and everyone is treated equally.

  5. #5

    Join Date
    Nov 2004
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    Western Australia
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    Hi I left my x when I was pregnant with Emily and got together with my DH when Emily was 18 months and Jess was 31/2. We did have a few issues to begin with...but were able to work through them.

    I was and still am largely the sole disciplinarian. I did not want a male figure coming into our established family and doling out punishments. That did not feel right. What helped the kids to bond..and it really was more Jess than Em due to her age was that Darren would spend special time with them. He made up this game called crockodiles and they played in on the tramp..silly things like that that was special to them.

    When Olivia was born we started saying Daddy and both Jess and Em started using it too. The girls still see their birth dad but probably once every few months. We use the term birth dad too..i dont like the real dad thing that gets floated around. I think a real dad is the one that is there for them on a regular basis doing the daily things that go into making a family.

    I think its natural for your dd to be testing her limits with your new partner. We went through the same sorts of things with Jess...but we explained that that hurts Darrens feelings and talked about what is acceptable and what isnt acceptable behaviour. We were very gentle in our approach assuming that with time and patience it would all click together and it did. I wish you all the best with your new family.

    Jo

  6. #6
    Fairymum Guest

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    Girls! I just wrote a really long response and for some reason was told I wasn't logged in -- don't have time to re-write - but THANKS for the tips and for giving me hope. I will write again maybe tomorrow with more questions!

  7. #7

    Join Date
    Nov 2004
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    Giving the gift of life to a friend..
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    Hi candi,

    My DD #1, was 2 yrs old when I met & started seeing my now DH, she never asked about her Dad as he was never around (leaving when I was preg) & pretty much pretending we didnt exist. Made it much easier as I was in OZ & he was in Bali. But I travelled back & fourthg & then met now DH, his name is Dede & Maddy called him Daddy the first day they met & really took to himimmediately... It wasnt til he came to Oz for a 3 month holiday & stayed with us that she started being nasty & rude to him... I explained that it hurt his feelings & made him sad & if it made him sad that in turn made Mummy sad, because Mummy loved him & wanted him to be happy too. I also explained that Mummy still loved maddison just the same, beacuse we can all grow more love not share our love, just grow more... She seemed to understand & from that day on she started telling everyone she loved her Daddy, she beacme really jealous if anyone eals sat near him on the couch & would squeeze her way in...
    I was working & so he took her to kinder & they'd go for nike rides etc & so they have a very strong & close bond. I never asked her or questioned her about calling him Dad it's just always been the way she refers to him. She knows & has photo's of her bio Dad, but I explained from day 1 that situation & she is happy to have Dh in her life, we have just had a baby girl together & Maddison adores her, she still does special things with DH & we have made sure certain things they will still do together so she doesnt get upset, pushed aside or jealous!
    As long as you can balance it all out & she knows she is still loved & important then she will cope fine....
    Best of luck...

  8. #8

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    I have some stuff to add but now isnt a good time as the kids are really annoying me!!!

    Will come back later (I hope) to add some more thougths to the pot

    Cheers

  9. #9
    missbexy27 Guest

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    Hey Fairymum,

    My situation was a little different in that I have a stepdaughter who turns 6 in September. I met my fiance through work and have been together now for a little over 2 yrs. He brought a beautiful daughter Maddison into our relationship when she was 3. I had met her a few times - a very shy little thing, but we were very wary of how she was going to deal with the change. At first, she was enamoured by me, fascinated and knew I wasn't there to take the place of her mum. I became more of a friend. I generally don't disciipline her, she always says to me 'you never get cross at me, Bec!' and that's true although, sometimes I will tell her off. She calls me her 'second mum' but she knows she has her real mum. Now her real mum - that's another story! She is not the 'maternal' type if you know what I mean, and now Madds always wants to be over here because she adores her little brother. We have a beautiful son Mason who is 3 months old and they are very close. I was nervous to tell her because I hoped she understood that her mummy and daddy weren't getting back together. She fortunately did and was very excited. Her mum was reasonably good about the whole thing, surprised, but good. She encourages Madds to give him presents and doesn't stop her seeing him.

    As for your questions, disciplining, I think, should really be left up to the biological parent when it's all new, unless you are not present. If he doesn't discipline at some stage, the kids will think they can get away with murder around him. His discipline may not be respected but at least he shows that he won't tolerate it and they will learn to respect that. Another way to do it is you tell them off, stating that you don't like it when they hurt your partner and it hurts both your feelings. It's hard for kids so young to understand but I think talking is the best thing. We always talk about things with Madds and I always talk about her mum in a positive way as she is still the main carer. I don't think Madds remembers a time when her mum and dad were together, cos she was so young, she only remembers us and her mum....so the younger the better.

    Anyone who is in a blended family should be congratulated though, it is so much harder to make things work when there are three people in a relationship (you, your partner and your childs father).

    Hope some of this has helped, it's great that you can come on here and get advice. BTW, I am reading Dr Phil's 'Family First' - I know, I know! And it has really helped me so far.

    Good luck.....

  10. #10
    Fruitwood Guest

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    I am so glad I found this thread. I am going through my 2nd divorce but my first with a child of my own and in the back of my mind I've been thinking that i'll probably never find another partner as no one will want a single mother but reading how other members have gone on to find new partners who have embraced their children as their own has given me some hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks Girls.

  11. #11

    Join Date
    Aug 2006
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    Perth WA
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    My partner and I have been together for about 2 years now. I have a DD - (now 6) and he also has a DD (now 6). The girls are only 4 months apart in age, but in different years at school. Both girls live with us full time, but see their other parents regularly (about twice a week). At the start, his DD was very wary of me and didn't want me taking her daddy away from her. She was still very worried about what her mummy would think. It has gotten easier over time, though we still definatley have our challenges. The girls are very different, and this often brings arguments. Both girls call us mummy and daddy, even though they see their other parents regularly. I think it helps them to identify themselves within this family.

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