DS not invited to friend's birthday party.

[ticklish]

Hi All,

DS1 is in his first year of school. We have just moved into the area so he knew no one previously and we knew are entirely new to the area.

I just learned today that DS1 was not invited to one of what he considers to be one of his closest playmate's birthday party. They have been friends all year. There has been no falling out that I know of. DS1 says he still plays with his friend. DS1 invited this friend to his birthday and has had him over for playdates. Although, his friend has never reciprocated the playdate invites.

His parents are not very warm and friendly and quite often, for reasons I haven't yet established do not join in with general chit chat with other parents at school pickup time. They have also been avoiding me at school pickup time lately.

DS1 is not upset, but I am a little taken aback. He just said his friend handmade all the birthday invitations and ran out of time to make him one so he wasn't invited. Yet, children in the class who are more of peripheral friends were invited and a new boy at school was also invited too.

How should I handle this? Should I mention it casually to the parents or just let it go?

Really, I am more upset about this than DS1.

[Phteven]

If you are more upset than DS1 I think you should let it go.

[ticklish]

Thanks for the reply Onyx.

I think I will also encourage DS1 to pursue friendships more with the friends who reciprocate his invitations to come to our place for playdates and birthday invitations rather than this boy. Is this unreasonable? DS1 still says he is a good friend though.

[ticklish]

Thanks Black Rose.

DS1's birthday is not until next year but I can't imagine even letting him exclude one of his close playmates!

[Phteven]

I think I will also encourage DS1 to pursue friendships more with the friends who reciprocate his invitations to come to our place for playdates and birthday invitations rather than this boy. Is this unreasonable? DS1 still says he is a good friend though.

The problem seems to be with this boy's parents not the child himself so I would let it be. I try not to get involved with my DS's social lives beyond asking friends for play dates etc when they ask me to.
That said, if he says no to play dates there's no harm in inviting other children who will say yes.

BTW, I'm the parent who never chats much at school. Nothing to do with the other parents who are all lovely people I'm just a tad shy and anti-social (on a good day, on a bad day I'm positively misanthropic).

[shellbell3]

I was going to say too maybe the parents are a bit shy, I know I stand back a bit because the other parents that do chat seem to know each other well.
As for the party its so hard. I would let it go, it is sad tho, I know I feel upset if DD misses a party. But then at the same time we are organising her b'day party and we can't invite everyone and so many people she considers close friends.
Ask a variety of kids over for playdates maybe, mix with different kids.

[MummaBee]

Also it may just be as simple as the parents saying choose 5 friends so the child picks first five that come into his/her head dont take it to heart.

[black_rose]

I can understand you are upset but it's probably better to let it go. Maybe arrange a playdate if your ds wants to see him for his birthday?

[sangie]

I don't know how you would mention it casually to the parents if you say they aren't very friendly?
I can understand why you are upset but I'd probably just leave it. Hopefully your DS will be invited to other parties.

[ticklish]

Thanks Sangie. We have had email contact to arrange playdates etc. One on one they are friendly and we have had many good conversations
but they never join in group chats with other parents at school and at birthday parties. Don't know why????????????????????

[misty]

Thanks Sangie. We have had email contact to arrange playdates etc. One on one they are friendly and we have had many good conversations
but they never join in group chats with other parents at school and at birthday parties. Don't know why????????????????????

Don't get involved. Kids often get given a 'number' to choice who can get invited to the party. The parents may or may not have had anything to do with it. Use it as a teaching tool for your son - not everyone can always be invited to everything, and we shouldn't take it personally.

In reards to the parents not chatting at school or birthday parties; they may be shy, they may be socially awkward, or (like myself) they may just not wish to make the effort (because they don't want to be part or the 'cliche' or they already have enough friends and have no personal need nor want to make more from that situation).

I am extremely outgoing and friendly and am happy to carry on a conversation with anyone, but avoid it at school, because I am just not interested in forming relationships with the other parents, as lovely as they may be. I am happy to have the kids arrange playdates, but I will let my child choose their own friends for that and for their parties, if there is a limited number of invites.

[black_rose]

It's tricky isn't it! Dd1 invited a couple of friends to her 5th birthday, but we couldn't ask them all and i know her perception of close friends and mine are different.

[misty]

No offense, and you probably dont mean it to come across this way, but that actually sounds passive aggressive, like you are trying to guilt them. How would you feel if your kid had a party and for whatever reason someone was left off the guest list (intentional or not) and they approached you like that.

[~clover~]

I would leave it & assume that the boy was given a number of kids (maybe 10, given there were a few invited), & the first 10 that came to mind just simply didn't include your DS. Kids at that age don't think the same way we do, they don't really think of best friends first, unless specifically asked. If they're just asked for a list of names, they could come out in any order.

They may just be shy people (I've been guilty of that!) & they are a little embarrassed that your boys name ddn't come up, but they don't want to be slack on the rules they gave coz they might end up others expecting them to expand numbers too. That may be why they're kind of avoiding you.

Let it go & keep things up on your end. Next time I'm sure your DS will be top of the list

[ticklish]

Next time I'm sure your DS will be top of the list

Thanks Clover, that is sweet of you to say.

[ticklish]

No offense, and you probably dont mean it to come across this way, but that actually sounds passive aggressive, like you are trying to guilt them. How would you feel if your kid had a party and for whatever reason someone was left off the guest list (intentional or not) and they approached you like that.

Really, offense is taken. Casually mentioning it to them might have resulted in the totally plausible explanation that Mylitta suggested. Mylitta explanation makes me feel better about the situation and I am grateful for forums like this as the perspectives of others can really help put the situation in perspective. I am not trying to guilt anyone.

If my son was invited around several times to a friends' house for playdates and he regularly played with that friend after school in the playground and that friend was one of a group of three friends that regularly played together and had done so all year, then there is no way I would leave that child off an invite list. It just wouldn't happen. I would not allow it. There has been no falling out as far as I know.

[Rouge]

I think you are taking it too personally. And like misty I think it's rude to mention it.

One of the most important things you need to do as they grow is stay out of their friendships. Don't fight fires for them and don't take things like birthday parties too seriously. Assuming the worst doesn't help you or your child. And saying something is a huge social no no and could make things very uncomfortable. Let it go and continue to allow your child to choose his friends. I promise you in the grand scheme of things it's a blip on your child's radar. Nothing more.

[ticklish]

Thanks for you advice Rouge and everyone else.

I will let it go.

For the record, DS1 and his friend had been talking about the birthday party for months. We even had a birthday present ready as we knew it was coming up. DS1 is fine with it. DS1 has shown amazing resilience and I am so proud of him.