We're in the process of organising the IL's 45th wedding anniversary, and we were originally going to pay for it all ourselves. But since our circumstances have changed, IL's suggested we ask people to pay for their own meal in lieu of bringing gifts. We're putting it on the invites, so people can decide for themselves whether they want to come or not - this is what we've put:
'After 45 years of marriage, - and - would appreciate that each person pay for their own meal and drinks, in lieu of gifts'
I've got this on a separate card to the invitation, being sent out at the same time. Then I've mentioned the cost per adult, with the entree and choices for mains. If I get a job soon we'll be able to set up a drinks tab, which will be announced on the night, but if not, at least people are prepared, KWIM?
If you mention it on the invites, then people won't have to assume. At the end of the day, whether they come or not is up to them
I must know different 'old' people to you guys. I reckon the ones i know would assume that dinner at a restaurant for a birthday would be pay for your own meal. That's how all the ones i have been to have worked. who has enough to pay for everyone's meal?
And for your MIL's party, i also don't think you have to say no gifts just because people are paying for their own meal.
We think we might give a link to the restaurant's menu (if there is one) and mention the mains prices, hopefully that will make it obvious without sounding rude!
I generally think the host is paying unless I'm told otherwise.
I don't mind being told I'm paying for my meal though! That's fine. So long as I know and have a vague idea of costs. I generally take some cash with me for drinks etc and know where the nearest cashpoint is - DH or I can dash to it and leave the other one in the restaurant!
The card could say:
Come celebrate X's birthday! We're celebrating at Y restaurant on the 19th of August at 7.00pm (for eg). We have enclosed a menu with prices on for your information. Please bring a bit extra if you would like drinks.
To accept such an invitation I would make sure that I was OK with either scenario. There are also cultural differences that would determine the likelihood of paying. I would feel that such an invitation would usually be paid for especially considering the age of the person. Young people and older people I would think an invitation would mean they re inviting you to the dinner. However, for the 18-40 age bracket I would expect to pay for myself.
Having said that I would only accept invitations if I were happy and prepared to pay for myself. Anything else is a bonus.
I wouldn't have any expectations... I would go prepared to pay, so as not to get caught out.
But I do think it's best to make it clear on the invites...I think linking the restaurant is a great idea, but maybe might not be enough for some people? I would put something along the lines of not needing to bring a gift as they will be paying for their meal (nicer wording perhaps).
Also, is there an option for people who don't want to eat to join in? If there is then I would make that clear too, so people don't decline the invitation due to money troubles IYKWIM.
It's a great idea to put it on the invitation. This covers the etiquette of if people receive an invitation, in etiquette standards means the meal is paid for. If this is stated on the invitation then all the boxes are ticked. At the end of the day who pays is not important, I doubt any one will even bat an eyelid and they will be thrilled to be there to celebrate a remarkable feat 45 years!
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