Etiquette Question - You are invited to a 60th at a restaurant, do you expect to pay?

[~Trish~]

I have an etiquette question for you all! DH & his family are coming up with ideas for his mum's upcoming 60th birthday. The general thought is to have a lunch with close family and friends at a restaurant. BUT, FIL thinks that everyone invited will expect him to pay for their food. I personally think that's weird LOL! I have been invited to heaps of birthday parties held at restaurants and have always paid for myself and never expected otherwise.

So I ask - Would you expect to pay for yourself if you were invited to a 60th celebration at a restaurant? Or would you expect the host to pay? Is it rude to expect people to pay?

The reason it's a problem is because FIL is a stroke victim, lives in a nursing home and only receives the pension. So he is concerned the event is going to be a great cost to him.

I'd appreciate your opinions

[LaDeeDa]

Unless I was told it was catered for I would always assume that it was a pay for yourself kind of deal...
I think most ppl would assume the same..

[Erin_25]

I would never expect to be "paid for" when invited to a restaraunt for a party unless stated otherwise or it was ****tail & i was expecting finger food.

[Nadine216]

I won't expect to pay for my food, but I would expect that the drinks would be on the house - does that make me weird

[Floweryfields]

Why don't they just write it in the invites that it's a pay for your meal thing?

[Fleur]

I wouldn't have any expectations... I would go prepared to pay, so as not to get caught out.

But I do think it's best to make it clear on the invites...I think linking the restaurant is a great idea, but maybe might not be enough for some people? I would put something along the lines of not needing to bring a gift as they will be paying for their meal (nicer wording perhaps).

Also, is there an option for people who don't want to eat to join in? If there is then I would make that clear too, so people don't decline the invitation due to money troubles IYKWIM.

[Phteven]

So how did the party go?
I hope you all enjoyed it.

[Peach*]

I would assume I would pay for myself, unless I was specifically told I would be paid for. I think it would be rude to assume otherwise.

[Chocaholic]

I would definitely expect to pay for myself, including drinks. I would also bring a small gift as well. After all, you are there to celebrate a persons life, and expecting them to incur the cost of all the restaurant meals of all the guests is a bit much IMO. If it was a party at home or function venue, then I would expect it to be catered or have finger food.

[Taurean78]

I think it's a generational thing. My parents (64 & 62) always expect that you pay for everyone if you have done the inviting (very old school). I think the younger generations see it as a bonus if someone else pays but you generally go along expecting to pay. I agree that you should put a note on the invite to clarify. Hope this helps!

[~Trish~]

Thanks for your input everyone! I hope my own comments in my original post don't sway people's opinions LOL!

DH & I are trying to think of a way to word the invite so that people know to pay themselves without sounding rude. Should we say something about the average cost of main meals so that people assume they are paying without actually being told? It seems so rude to say, "Your invited, bring cash"

[Liviam]

I would pay for ourselves unless it is specifically mentioned that the meal is provided and drinks at bar prices (for example). It is normal nowadays to pay for yourself at restuarants.

[HarveyBub'sMum]

I think most people of younger generations would expect to pay but I know my parents expect to pay for everyone if they invite them so he may not be comfortable not paying for his own friends to attend.

If you choose somewhere that does a buffet or banquet you can just let people know what the cost is per head or put a gentle note on the invitation that meals are available for those who want to purchase them.

[feeb]

Unless told otherwise I would assume everyone would pay there own way. Also people buy own drinks.

Set menu with set price can help!!! my 30th we had a set menu and everyone knew cost before aggreeing to come and they bough drinks at bar.

[fionas]

Yep, I think it depends on the circumstances of the people involved. I'm going to a 40th birthday for a friend and she's shouting everyone dinner whereas I've been to an 80th birthday and expected to pay for myself because the host was living on a pension and obviously didn't have a heap of money to throw around. But a little PS to clarify will make sure no-one's nose is out of the joint. When I had my 30th, I didn't have a heap of money but did have a heap of people I wanted to invite so just chose somewhere that had a set menu and said it was $x per head on the invite so people knew what they were up for. Some of my friends were on fantastic wages, others were struggling students so I thought it was important to spell it out plus I gave people the choice of joining me for a beer afterwards if they didn't want to/couldnt' do dinner.

[Coolabahdee]

It would depend what the invitation said!!

If I was invited to go out to dinner, I would expect to be paying for it. I would never assume the hosts were paying, but if it was offered I would accept and perhaps buy a drink or two for them. It could be worded as let take So n So out for her birthday, which to me implies we'll pay our own way and chip in for the Birthday person.

If I was invited to a party I would expect it was already paid for. Like a catered event.

I think it is all in the wording.

EDT: You could word it like this We are taking ......out to dinner to celebrate her birthday and to spend some time with her as she celebrates turning .... WE thought she'd love for her friends and family to celebrate with her, so no presents please as we are all going dutch. Please come, we know she'd love to have you there!!!

[Phteven]

I wouldn't have expectations either way. Sometimes you go to a restuarant and everyone chips in and sometimes it's one person's shout. I'm cool with either scenario I just like to know what's happening beforehand so I know if I should turn up with cash or a gift for the host or both.

[~Serenity~]

i would thing i would pay for my own but maybe just put a lil ps. n the bottom of the invite