I don't keep secrets from DP and wouldn't agree to, I'd rather not know because the expectation would definitely make me uncomfortable. Sure, I don't actively tell him everything that happens to me but I would like to feel like I could tell him anything that happens to me. I also always assume if I'm telling someone something that I'm telling their partner by proxy and weigh my decision whether to or not to tell them with that assumption in mind.
Ive only skimmed the replies, but I always felt it was an unwritten rule don't tell anyone meant except dh. But it works both ways. I know if I tell anyone anything I assume they will tell their spouse. With secrets it wont go further than that, so a couple is like one entity. (Not that I have that many secrets)
I really think it's horrible to say 'oh and don't tell your DH' hmmmm sorry I tell him most things so if you don't want him to know DONT TELL ME either.
You made it quite clear that you would be telling your DH and she chose to tell you anyway.
I am not good at keeping secrets and I make sure people know this before they spill their guts. I would have told me DH too, I would also trust him not to say anything, he's slightly less of a gossip than me, just slightly...ok, heaps less.
I also presume people tell their other halves everything.
I think the main thing is you told her you would tell DH and she told you anyway so you are not doing the wrong thing by telling him as you made it explicit that that is what you would do.
I also tell DP pretty much everything too, unless it is confidential at work or women's related medical issue that he probably doesn't want to know about and might make him feel weird about that person if he knew (if that makes sense). Some things I also don't tell as I don't think he would be interested to be honest but if it's something like your conversation and I need to debrief then he is my go to person and vice versa.
I too am of the stance that when Im asked not to repeat something, that does not include DH. We share everything...that's what we do. And its common knowledge in our friend groups that if you tell me DH knows and vice versa and many of our friends are the same way. We have always just thought that was part of being a couple.
I would never ask anyone not to share anything with their partner.
My MIL has done this to my DH (told her not to say things to me) and it's fecking rude.
Having said that, I also assume that once you tell someone something, it's not a secret anymore, and I would never put my friends in a situation where I expected them to lie on my behalf.
The flip side of the coin, is that I do think that there are some bits of info that a good friend wouldn't pass on.eg if I was to make a criticism, (something like a style of parenting) about a mutual friend, then I would be disappointed and mad if that info was passed on.
But then I really dislike sh*t stirrers.
I would like to point out that some partners are blabbier than others, so I don't think there is a problem with asking someone to keep something to themselves, per se. But the OP's friend was warned the OP would share with her partner, and chose to talk anyway. That becomes the friend's problem & not the OP's. Clearly the OP has a high degree of confidence in her DH's ability to keep confidences, but if you had a blabbier partner, a person might need to exercise more discretion in what she tells him (or not).
FWIW I think there are various reasons why people might spill secrets that have been told to them, from the thrill of having social currency, malicious intent, lack of thought, carelessness, drunkenness, assuming (because time has passed or because of the present company) that the secret has become common knowledge. It seems to me that if you want your secret preserved you should just keep it to yourself in the first place.
But it's totally not cool to "cover" for someone else's choice to lie (unless there was a greater moral imperative, eg, you were lying to protect someone from unjust harm or persecution).
Last edited by AnyDream; November 13th, 2013 at 05:17 PM.
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