Why do you do nice things?

[Astrid]

I am not sure how nice I am to be honest. Sometimes doing nice things just don't cross my mind, I can't get pretty blinkered when stressed or down.

When I do help out though, I don't it for getting something in return, even though at times there is a side benefit. Like when I have kids clothes that are no longer needed, it benefits both the receiver and me, as I no longer have them crowding my house). I have often volunteered in the past, which is yet another thing that benefits me (even though I don't have to do it).

I do think sometimes I don't give/help out when I think of it when there seems to be competition involved (who can spend more time, give more things/money).

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I help other people because I would feel bad about myself if I didn't.

I see someone struggling - I have struggled before. I don't like struggling. I help that person. I have given elderly neighbours lifts, run a Boys Brigade and Youth Clubs (pre-children), babysat on a moment's notice, helped carry pushchairs and luggage on and off trains, donated clothes...

And why? Because I like it when someone offers me a lift, someone looks after my child and organises activities, will help out when I need it, has helped me with heavy/bulky items. Or I imagine I would like it when I'm old and alone that a neighbour visits to see how I am, or will go out in the snow to get me some bread because I have none. If I didn't do these nice things, who would? And if no-one does, what's the incentive to do them? So how can I expect others to look after me if I won't be nice to others first?

That and I don't like seeing someone struggle in life when I could help them not struggle.

[nothing2lose]

I always knew that that was why you did nice things for me, Onyx! I AM your herd.

No, it's because she wants to propagate you

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

That sounds painful

This thread reminds me of a Friends episode, where Joey told Phoebe that she couldn't possibly do a selfless act because it would make her feel happy, and therefore it wouldn't be selfless. So she donated her entire savings (that she was saving up for something specific) to something she hated....only to get her name on TV, so it still wasn't selfless

I like to do nice things for people. I find it difficult to let people do nice things for me though, I always need to reciprocate. For instance, a friend bought a flower clip for me, and send it anonymously. She eventually told me who she was, coz she knew I'd go crazy trying to figure it out, and immediately I wanted to send her a gift hamper or something!

[Traveller]

The nicest thing that someone ever did for me was when my twins were 1.5 and my pram broke. I was skint and trying to work out if I could cope using a single buggy and a sling to get by when my lovely friend invited herself for lunch. When she got there she pulled out a catalogue with a picture of a pram and said "that's your new pram". She bought me a gorgeous double buggy just because she had the funds. I have paid her back in kind with free carpets and the like but that feeling of someone solving my problem with a slip of paper is probably the reason I help people where I can.

Shortly after that her husband lost his job and she was struggling financially. Someone (not me as I was still poor) deposited several thousand pounds into her bank account and she still doesn`t know who. I guess you reap what you sow.

[beckoes]

i wouldnt do nice things to get something in return, although a thank you is nice.

Dh does alot more random nice things than me, not cause im a big meany, i think he just sees the opportunities more than i do. i agree with the pay it forward train of thought.

[Mum2SweetCs]

I do nice things but expect nothing in return.

I also prefer not to mention the nice things I do as a verse in the bible always struck a cord with me but I have a brain freeze at the moment.

It basically says you don't need recognition for the charity you do and I truly believe in not having to shout from the top of my lungs that wow I helped some one out.

Why do I do nice things? I think because I was brought up where nice things were done for our family. We were poor and there were always a number of people willing to help our family to which I am still grateful for today.

[LionsandBears]

I believe doing nice things for people when you can is a kindness. I value kindness and compassion and try to practice it as much as I can. It makes me feel good about myself. Who says that altruism has to hurt or be emotionally neutral? I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling good about being kind to people. I think it's lovely.

I do think there is a difference in being kind and being needy or a people pleaser. I've seen people, normally women, desperately trying to please people, and think, this isn't because the others need help, but she needs to feel needed. There is a lack in her that she is trying to fill and if people arent 'grateful' to her for all that she's doing, she feels let down. It's hard to explain, but that kind of emotional well puts me off. Maybe it's manipulative. I guess I don't feel the motivation is altruism, but more a kind of feeding off others to feel better about herself.

[Traveller]

That's quite like my dad L&B, I would say he borders on narcassistic. When we were poor in Scotland he offered by husband a job if we relocated to England to be near him but we couldn't accept because knowing my dad he was doing it so he could tell everyone how he saved us when we were struggling and how he had to give his SIL a job so that everyone would know how wonderful he was. Whereas my MIL lent us the money to come back to Australia, a much bigger and more expensive gesture and I know it was purely from the goodness of her heart so we didn't need to struggle so much.

[Rouge]

I think it is manipulative. It's not pure and I think it taints the act. Just like doing it because you think you should rather than because you want too.

I have the opposite problem where people think I'm too nice and that aggravates me. Its not an effort for me otherwise I wouldn't do it. And I am pretty quick at weeding out the needy and the dependants. Or those who don't reciprocate but expect the world from me.

[sloane]

I believe in paying it forward and also being true to yourself. I figure that you have to live with your actions, and life is too short not to be happy with the way you live life.

recently we went to st kilda and it was about 11am. when dp went to pay for a parking ticket a guy gave him his all day ticket as he was leaving. when we left a couple of hours later we did the same thing.

I go by my gut instinct and if I think someone could use the help (be it monetary or otherwise) then I offer because I want to.

[LionsandBears]

Yeah, I can spot the co-dependent, needy types a mile away. It's like there's a black hole of neediness sucking off others' life force and I actually find it revolting. Literally. It makes me feel sick.

Anyhoo, back to kindness and all things nice...

[Beatrix]

I try to do nice things because why shouldn't I? If I can help someone then I do because I would hate to be in a position myself where I felt I had no one who cared.
I try and put myself in their shoes and imagine what if and I know I wouldn't want to make someone's life any harder then it is so I help if I can.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Agree about the "I need to help so TAKE MY HELP - I don't care you don't need it" people. I don't like them either. Like the over-zealous boy scout who leaves old ladies on the wrong side of the road because he "helped" them cross when they didn't want to in the first place. Needy people's help often makes things worse.

Matthew 6:1-6:

Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven. Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth: That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly.

And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.

[Heaven]

Yuck, L&B ikwym, that's DH's sister. And you have to say thank you a thousand times or you're ungrateful. Once isn't enough.

Anyway. This reminds me of that Friends episode where Joey is arguing that there's no selfless good deed, because when you help it makes you feel good, so you get something out of it. I guess that's why I help too, it makes me feel good to help others

[Lisa]

I do help people as often as I can. I have been this way my whole life. My mum used to feed the homeless guys that lived in the park across the road from our house. I think that helping people should be second nature and things would be lovely if more people did. I have lived so many different lives - in a refuge, a homeless teen, a single mum, a single working & studying mum, a homeowner, lived in dept housing, married & working, been dirt poor and been reasonably well off. I know how much it sucked to be in the lower points in my life and if I am in a position to help someone who is in a low point in their life, I won't hesitate.