****this is about an IVF journey ending without a baby****
I just read about this book - Silent Sorority - here's the "book jacket" description:
About the Book
What happens when a couple can't conceive after years of trying? What awaits two people who want to be parents, as they move away from the fertility treatment/adoption/mommy-and-daddy track? With humor, poignancy, and grace, Silent Sorority sheds light on the lasting impact infertility has on relationships, identity, and planning for the future. Pamela reveals what it's like to be a ?non-mom? in an era dominated by Mom's Clubs and helicopter parents. Along the way, she discovers a welcoming sisterhood whose nurturing fellowship provide the foundation for a rebirth. This is the story of how a (barren) woman gets busy, angry, lost and found.
If you google it you will find the website for the book as well as it's listing on Amazon - the Amazon reader reviews are amazing...and make it very clear that this is a good book to give to people who are close to you as it helps them understand.
I think it was just published this year, and I suspect it may only be available in the US. I'm going to work my US connections to try to get a copy sooner rather than later...but if I don't get my hands on a copy before Dec, I'll have my Mom bring one to me when she visits at the end of the year.
Just wanted to let you know this book is out there - I'm sure it will peak the interest of others as much as it does mine....even though I wish it didn't....
The author has a blog that is no longer active but that she has left up on the web for others (she discusses this on the website for the book). Being in the middle of the journey with a suspicion that I may end up without a baby, I have started to read it - I have to say - it's pretty hard to read - very painful but at the same time, nice to see others share the same feelings. it is at: www dot coming2terms dot com. I think that others who have finished their ivf journey without a baby or those who are trying to think through what if that happens will ultimately find it helpful.
Thanks Buliej for the info. I haven't read this one, but I read a similar Australian one a couple of years ago and it spoke very strongly to me.
It is hard to read these books but in doing so I can recognise so many of the same thoughts and journey that others go through that is seems to validate my experiences rather that block them out or hide them from those around me. It also helps me prepare a bit more for a possible future.
What amazes me is if I can convince family and friends to read these books they are so moved and affected by them (if they can finish them) and they can't believe what the writer went through. But at the same time I am going through exactly the same journey but it is more real for my family by reading about someone else than listening or hearing my stories. Ironic.
I think I'm going to ask some friends/family members to read after I do - once I get my hands on it. People who I know care very much have said some things which have been insensitive and I held my tongue because they are very dear friends (and I believe they just have no clue). Even my sister, 2 weeks after my first m/c which was the most devastating of the 3, said "so, have you started to try again - don't worry, it will happen"...umm, you can't really start 2 weeks after a D&C at 8 weeks and no, you don't know it will happen...
Dusty - do you talk much about what you are going through with IRL people? I don't - I only mention things very casually and not very often - so maybe this is why they don't understand, because I haven't shared...although when I do, I also sometimes get responses and think WTF - you have no idea.
I think it is good to be able to provide people with information to digest in their own time and way so these books are gold IMO. I have often wondered whether people after reading them would then ask me more questions about my journey based on what they learn and hear in these books, but no, it doesn't really happen. Once Em become my ED she was more engaged but even then there is a distance. I think there has to be so she doesn't become swamped by my issues. Yeah I talk about it but now only with a few people as after 5 years it really becomes tiring for me and others to have to listen to the same old. IME, people, even those who have experienced some LT issues themselves, just don't want to go there and sometimes say the same quips as your sister. But sadly lately I have begun to realise that it just sometimes doesn't happen for some people. Noone can guarantee the outcome as much as they would like it to be so.
Anyway I am going way OT on your thread, but I do try to keep it in conversation as it is real and happening to me, so why should it be ignored just because it isn't light conversation.
I have had a real urge lately to hear some real life stories from people who have been on this journey but do not come out of it with a baby. I need some evidence that life is worth living if I don't fullfill this dream and how you go about that.
I don't talk to anyone in real life about what I'm going through, select people know but it's not talked about. This is more for them, not me. There is no-one in my life that could even begin to really understand what this is like for me & DH, and I think it's too much to ask them to try and understand - the capacity just isn't there. There is also nothing anyone of them could do to help really. I also don't share too much as I don't want to be dissapointed in them when they say the wrongs things, ignore it or can't deal with it. Does any of this make sense? Just rambling..... anyways, that's what makes BB so special, here there are people that really know how I feel and are living this too. It helps.
Dusty - I don't think you went way OT...when it comes to this stuff and the pain of working it through, all I have is bellybelly and the others who really do understand - I think that's why the posts often make me cry because you can hear the disappointment in each and know that it's only the tip of the iceberg for each of the so deserving and wanting individuals.
I often feel that I will be able to deal with the disappointment myself - somehow, that I will get there - but what I can't stomach is the feeling of disappointing the person I love most in this world - DH - I get physically nauseous when I think about this and have to force myself to stop thinking. And he doesn't do anything to cause me to feel this way, I just do.
I stumbled upon your conversation. I hope you don't mind me contributing some thoughts here but the topic (people not fully appreciating the IVF/IF experience) is a familiar one. It's what drove me to write Silent Sorority in the first place. Like you I found it positively maddening how little those around me -- and knew me well -- comprehended what I was living with and through.
I appreciate that in many ways I may appear like every woman's worst nightmare when it comes to infertility but think of me as a friend, an ally in what seems at times like an overwhelming battle. I wanted to give women a story that their friends and family can read to fully reveal, in a safe way, what comes with the IF experience. I also want to let women know that as tough as the transition can be from TTC to accepting life as a family of two, it can be done. I'm in a good place today and I want to let others know that as dark as it might seem at times, there is a way to find joy again.
Meanwhile, do keep sharing and supporting one another ... I found one of the best ways to work through the worst of IF is having (and providing) support and understanding from those who know what it's like to live the IF experience. I wish you all the very best. Pamela
p.s. I'd also be happy to participate in an online discussion of the book if there's interest.
Last edited by dusty; August 31st, 2009 at 06:36 AM.
: removed link as per guidelines
Thanks for dropping into our discussion. I will look out for your book (I am heading to California this week from Aus!). While I haven't yet read it, I want to thank you for putting your experience down on paper to share with those of us who can relate and for those who have absolutely no idea what we experience. As I said in a post above, I have read another similar book called "Sex at 6pm" by an Australian woman Annarosa Berman which ends in no baby and having to move on with life. It was a wonderful way for me to acknowledge a lot of the thoughts and experiences I had had with IVF to date and my family found it very useful too.
I hope you have found happiness and joy in a whole heap of ways in your life. If anything this journey teaches me to appreciate how lucky I am in so so many ways.
xx
Wow Pamela, how amazing you were able to drop in here! I am very much looking forward to reading your book - thank-you for sharing your story. Everything I find always ends in a couple achieving their dream of having a baby - no-one seems to share when that dream isn't achieved. I'm sure there are many journey's that end with no baby and being the person I am I'd like to have some sense of all the outcomes, not just the one I want. I truly fear that we may never have a child, but arming myself with as much information as possible can help with that fear. This does not deter me from continuing to believe in my dream, as I will keep trying until I have nothing left to try, but it could be of some comfort to know there are people out there that have been through this, not achieved their dream but have begun a new life that is wonderful, joyful and they are at peace.
Congratulations on being in a good place today and the joy you have found!
Thanks for the welcoming words, and likewise, I wish you much happiness, peace and strength.
Thanks for the referral on the book Sex at 6pm! It will be interesting to compare notes. I'm guessing Australians and Californians share a common sense of humor, and while our stories occur in different places I'm sure they carry similar themes.
A few of the many things I learned through all the weirdness and absurdities (such as getting naked and often in front of strangers) is not to take myself too seriously, and when all the dust settled, to find enjoyment in the ordinary as well as the unexpected. Wishing the same for you, too!
Wow - I can't believe I missed Pamela's visit to this thread. I too want to say thank you for writing your book. I don't feel like you are the enemy at all - but as someone who suspects they may end up at the same end point in terms of ivf, but hasn't quite come to terms with it, I think it is going to be a very confronting read for me...but one that I want to do (and think need to do). I think you've done a great thing by writing about the "other" outcome....
This journey is incredibly hard and I have struggled with so many things that I never even gave a passing thought to before I started ivf - but am am also aware that I have grown from the experience and my relationship with my husband has grown as well.
Being able to turn to this site when things get difficult has been such a help.
I just stumbled onto this thread, and I agree with all that you have all shared here! It is so hard sometimes. I feel like this struggle for a baby and all that goes with it, dominates my life. And when people say "and how are things Possums?" sometimes I want to scream "how do you think?! i am struggling, I have been unwell, i still don't have a child and dont know if I ever will have one"... I know it's an unreasonable, emotional response, but sometimes those are the words bubbling under the surface.
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