Didn't handle it very well...

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Us: TTC for 3 1/2 years, 4 ICSI cycles (incl one double embyro transfer), 1 cancelled cycle due to embyro dying.

SIL and husband: TTC for just over a year. 1st IVF cycle about 3 months ago

Since finding out they were TTC I have been dreading them getting pregnant before us. How the hell would I handle that. Then they did IVF and I was relieved when their first attempt was unsuccessful.

Well last night I felt like my world just caved in around me. My husband answered the door and I hear them come in and say we have news, we're 4 1/2 weeks pregnant. My heart was racing, as I heard them talk, I actually felt my chest seize, I think I was starting to have a panic attack. It's been on my mind, that it's a possibility they will conceive before us (especially considering they have unexplained infertility, no problems identified like we have). I've thought about how I would make the effort to say congrats whilst I'm dying on the inside. Well I just didn't do it. They came in after speaking to my hubby and said we got pregnant on our 2nd attempt. I didn't say anything straight away. and then I just blurted out I'm sorry, I can't congratulate you and then walked off to my bedroom to begin crying. In hindsight I wish I just had've had the strength to be a better person but I didn't. They left straight away and I bawled for about 1 hour and a half or more.

So many emotions went through me but the biggest one I felt was anger. I had so much anger and rage inside me, if I'd been in the kitchen, I don't know how many plates etc I would have smashed. Whilst bawling I said to my hubby that I want to punch something, this is so f*ing unfair. My heart was breaking so much, I've cried heavily before because of our situation, but last night my chest felt heavy, I felt I was crying as hard as if someone had died. The pain was just so much last night.

I just feel like it's so unfair. they got it on their 2nd go, within 3 months. I resent them, to be honest I kind of despise them for IVF having worked for them and not us (and I know it's not rational and their fault I can't get pregnant). I feel like it's my turn, I've gone through so much heartache and I'm not one bit closer, and yet here they are running to our front door to tell us that theirs worked. And there's another reason for my anger. I felt it was insensitive. Did they think that we would be jumping up and down for joy with them? They've been through it a bit, surely they could think how I might react? how I might feel to hear that it's worked for them, whilst it hasn't for us. I wished they'd done it by phone so I could have time to digest it. But then I don't think it would have been any better. I'd still react the same way. I wonder if I'm overreacting, but I've been thinking about it all day and I am p*ssed off with how they did it. Not even saying anything like I know it might be hard to hear etc. Just nothing. I said to my husband how could they be insensitive, can't they put themselves in my shoes. I feel like them coming over was not so much gloating, but I don't know what the word is for it.

During the middle of my bawling I said to hubby he doesn't understand, he doesn't feel it like I do, he hasn't suffered and cried like I have over all this (he doesn't talk about it much, I feel like I wear it all). Then he got mad at me and we started arguing, and I felt so alone. But then he started saying that he too is sensitive to all the people having babies, he wanted to punch the doctor and embyrologist every time they raved about our perfect embryo, yet only to have disappointment two weeks later. So I guess if there is a blessing in it, that's it. He actually opened up to me and I didn't realise how much he was hurting too until last night.

I've been thinking about it all day at work...how do I handle all the upcoming family events? I have managed to avoid any pregnant person until now. We have a family gathering on Dec 6, a SIL flying back from Melbourne. I'm sure the talk will be how exciting her pregnancy is. How do I sit there and hear that and endure it when I'll be wishing it was me. And then there's xmas.... I just don't think I can do it.

How do people do it? Have you had conflict with family members because of your infertility?

Sorry, long post. I know I'm more a lurker than a poster. thank you for reading.