Didn't handle it very well...

[incomplete]

Us: TTC for 3 1/2 years, 4 ICSI cycles (incl one double embyro transfer), 1 cancelled cycle due to embyro dying.

SIL and husband: TTC for just over a year. 1st IVF cycle about 3 months ago

Since finding out they were TTC I have been dreading them getting pregnant before us. How the hell would I handle that. Then they did IVF and I was relieved when their first attempt was unsuccessful.

Well last night I felt like my world just caved in around me. My husband answered the door and I hear them come in and say we have news, we're 4 1/2 weeks pregnant. My heart was racing, as I heard them talk, I actually felt my chest seize, I think I was starting to have a panic attack. It's been on my mind, that it's a possibility they will conceive before us (especially considering they have unexplained infertility, no problems identified like we have). I've thought about how I would make the effort to say congrats whilst I'm dying on the inside. Well I just didn't do it. They came in after speaking to my hubby and said we got pregnant on our 2nd attempt. I didn't say anything straight away. and then I just blurted out I'm sorry, I can't congratulate you and then walked off to my bedroom to begin crying. In hindsight I wish I just had've had the strength to be a better person but I didn't. They left straight away and I bawled for about 1 hour and a half or more.

So many emotions went through me but the biggest one I felt was anger. I had so much anger and rage inside me, if I'd been in the kitchen, I don't know how many plates etc I would have smashed. Whilst bawling I said to my hubby that I want to punch something, this is so f*ing unfair. My heart was breaking so much, I've cried heavily before because of our situation, but last night my chest felt heavy, I felt I was crying as hard as if someone had died. The pain was just so much last night.

I just feel like it's so unfair. they got it on their 2nd go, within 3 months. I resent them, to be honest I kind of despise them for IVF having worked for them and not us (and I know it's not rational and their fault I can't get pregnant). I feel like it's my turn, I've gone through so much heartache and I'm not one bit closer, and yet here they are running to our front door to tell us that theirs worked. And there's another reason for my anger. I felt it was insensitive. Did they think that we would be jumping up and down for joy with them? They've been through it a bit, surely they could think how I might react? how I might feel to hear that it's worked for them, whilst it hasn't for us. I wished they'd done it by phone so I could have time to digest it. But then I don't think it would have been any better. I'd still react the same way. I wonder if I'm overreacting, but I've been thinking about it all day and I am p*ssed off with how they did it. Not even saying anything like I know it might be hard to hear etc. Just nothing. I said to my husband how could they be insensitive, can't they put themselves in my shoes. I feel like them coming over was not so much gloating, but I don't know what the word is for it.

During the middle of my bawling I said to hubby he doesn't understand, he doesn't feel it like I do, he hasn't suffered and cried like I have over all this (he doesn't talk about it much, I feel like I wear it all). Then he got mad at me and we started arguing, and I felt so alone. But then he started saying that he too is sensitive to all the people having babies, he wanted to punch the doctor and embyrologist every time they raved about our perfect embryo, yet only to have disappointment two weeks later. So I guess if there is a blessing in it, that's it. He actually opened up to me and I didn't realise how much he was hurting too until last night.

I've been thinking about it all day at work...how do I handle all the upcoming family events? I have managed to avoid any pregnant person until now. We have a family gathering on Dec 6, a SIL flying back from Melbourne. I'm sure the talk will be how exciting her pregnancy is. How do I sit there and hear that and endure it when I'll be wishing it was me. And then there's xmas.... I just don't think I can do it.

How do people do it? Have you had conflict with family members because of your infertility?

Sorry, long post. I know I'm more a lurker than a poster. thank you for reading.

[New Dawn]

I have no words for you, but I could not just read your post and not say anything...

so I will do the only thing I can do from where I am

I wish I had the word to make you feel better....

dont kick yourself for the way you are feeling, its better out than in, thats what we on BB are here for... so let it out with us scream, rant and rave we will be here to hold your hand...

[onthefly]

This is really hard, isn't it incomplete. Just let it all out here - we can take it.

[anney]

incomplete, if they knew everything you have been through then yes they were being insensitive. but then again, as it has not been a long road for them they probably have no idea how upsetting it is to hear people are pregnant when you have to go through so much. I am thinking if it had been their 4th cycle too, they would have been much more aware of what you might be going through.
As you said, a blessing has come from it, in that you had that talk with your DH.
Re families - if you have to avoid family gatherings to stay sane then do that or at least make sure you remove yourself from particularly upsetting situations. Just remember that because people have not been through what you are going through they will find it hard to understand what you are going through so may seem to you to be "thoughtless".They are not doing it to hurt you, they just have no idea how their words are affecting you. ((hugs))

[CeCe]

I just want to give you a . It's so hard to wait our turn at times when all we tend to do is compare how many cycles we've done compared to those who have been successful. In one way it gives me hope ( eg. They took 8 cycles), but in others it's a form of torture (they had success on their first cycle, so when is it my turn).

As for your DH, it's great that you had that talk. I'm just begining to realize how hard this is on my DH as he's talking about it and making comments more and more. I think initially he tried to be the "strong" one and hold it all together. I think that's geting harder for him to do but the good things is we are talking and dealing with it together more than before. I hope you and your DH can find the comfort in each other that you need.

Please come in hear and talk more if you need. There are people that understand and can relate. again.

[chrissirose]

My niece was in a very similar situation. She too reacted badly to her SIL's pregnancy, but everyone understood and she was fine after the initial shock. However, they simply decided that the family Xmas get togethers, which included two pregnancies were more than she could deal with.

They organised to go visit some interstate friends (childless) for christmas. They had a nice time and nobody objected to them doing what was best for them.

It's such a difficult time for you, and so unfair, but do try and stay positive.

My niece now has a beautiful daughter, 11 months younger than her cousin

[[M]umma[M]ia]

I know how u feel. We were TTC for 2 years. My SIL was with Dp's brother for 3 weeks and wamo! i felt sick.. angry.. upset. They spoke about it like it was just another day in their lives. I mean FFS. I did congradulate them, but it was eating me up inside. So many horrible thoughts went through my mind, like, i hoped they would misscarriage. I know thats sooo horrible to think, but i was really mess up about it. Once their DD was born, 3 months later they were pregnant again! It felt like they were shoving it right in my face. I was on fertility treatments by this stage, and i finally got my BFP. Her DS was born 6 weeks before my DD. And since, she has had another.. so thats 3, 2 and under.

Feel free to let it out here hunni. Its not good to keep it bottled up inside.

Im praying for u that one day you will have your forever baby. Hang in there xoxox