The guilt

[mummy2chloe]

hey

just wondering how you all handle the guilt, the guilt of knowing your the reason why they dont have a child.

there is nothing stopping dp from walking away from all of this, and i wouldnt blame him if he did, hell it would make his life a whole lot easier not having to deal with the infertility that i have brought to this relationship. plus there would be alot less debt from all the procedures, less emotional strain, less worry and stress.

i have told him that i would never blame him if he wanted to go, and yet he is still here!!! why??????
i am worried that if he doesnt leave now, he will end up leaving a couple of years down the track cos of the want and need for a child of his own. so why not make it easier on us all and go now. i know i would feel better not having to deal with all of this guilt of not being able to give him a child.

I hate this, i hate what infertility is doing to me and my relationship and my confidence ( if i have any of that left) its not enough that i cant have a child, you have to destroy me and my relationship aswell.

for 6yrs and 11mnths i have put on a smile and held everything together, hoping and praying that one day it will work. now it seems that you have won, you have broken me infertility and i dont know how to get back up!!! i have no money to keep trying, i have no fight left in me to try and give dp a child or to give dd a sibling she so deperatley wants. instead i have this horrible guilt


dp loves me and he has been amazing through out all of this, and its that that makes it so hard, he so deserves this. its so unfair that he has to miss out on having a child because of me. so how do you handle knowing that the person you love the most, who you know would make the most amazing father cant have kids cos of you? it doesnt seem fair. doesnt the old saying go " if you love someone enough, set them free"?
i love him so much that i would rather leave him, so he can find someone new and have a child with. knowing that he would finally have a baby of his own would make me feel complete. and there would be no more guilt

sorry if none of this makes sense, i just feel so bad for him

[Michelle71]

M2C - you have just experienced a recent miscarriage. Be gentle with yourself

It is hard when you feel like you are the problem. Today is the EDD of my stillborn daughter. I failed her and I failed DH. I could not safely *cook* her and bring her crying into this world. It took so long to get pregnant and then it was all taken away. I too told DH to go. To leave me and find someone who could give him a child and who would be far less trouble. He stayed. He said he loved me and if we weren't meant to have children then we would work for 6 months and travel for 6 months. We would have a wonderful life - together, because it was me he loved and not the potential child I could give.

Infertility is one of the hardest paths to walk. The person at *fault* feels guilty and the person not at *fault* feels guilty too because they can't fix the problem either.

I have been blessed now with DS and DD but there is not a day that goes by that I don't thank the universe for the blessing I have received in my DH. I don't know your full history but I do want to send you a huge hug The feelings you have are so very normal. As for how you cope with the guilt - I have no real answer because I still feel guilty for failing Caitlyn, even though there was nothing I could (realistically) have done to change the outcome.

[farmgirl77]

M2C
I am so sorry for all the pain that you and your DP are going through, and have gone through during your long journey - no one deserves this grief.

I have no wonderful insights for you other than to say that with our journey through infertility, which initally was due to DH, that for me, it was about us having a child together, not about me having a baby. If I could not have had DH's child then, while I would have been torn and devestated, but I think I would have gone on in life without childern - maybe we would have looked at fostering - I dont know. For us it was always us first, and then a baby. I would not have left him for another just so I could have a child.

From what you have written, it sounds like this is your DP's thinking - he sounds like a wonderful person who loves you so much, and is focused on the two of you - a baby would be a bonus, but you are more important, and maybe the only children he wants are those that he can have with you - there is no substitute! The two of you sounds like you have an incrediably strong relationship that has endured much hardship and grief - it sounds like a very special relationship that only very few couples have.

You are not to blame for the infertility - it just is, although we all love to bash our selves up emotionally about it as we think that we are failing yet again. But we are not failing - going through IVF, misscarriages and everything else is the mark of strong women, strong men and strong couples who beat failure and show amazing strenght everytime they make a decision about their fertility - irrispective of what that decision is. You have had the strength to go on a journey that most people will never have to face, and you have survived - your relationship has survived - that is not failure, that is not something to feel guilty about - it is something to hold onto and to celerbrate - you and your DP can and will do this together.

I hope that you can find the support from those around you to continue to find the strength you need to continue on this journey - whatever path it takes, with your wonderful DP.

Good luck.
FG

[Ellie]

M2C - I have tears rolling down my cheeks reading your post...I could have written it and did write something very similar last year. There is nothing I can say to take away your pain...infertility is the toughest of journeys but it is just that...a journey ...and I've realised that now more than ever, as I am about to be blessed with a little one in my arms after 10 years...this bub is not going to change the past 10 years, the damage that has happened to relationships, both family and friends...or will it remove the guilt and grief for our lost bubs...it is the beginning of the next chapter. Any man that embarks on this road MUST love you LOTS...my DH described to me how he felt angry about our situation but never at me...he got frustrated with me when I pushed him away because I was robbing him of his need to love me and support me...it wasn't about the 'outcome' it was about us walking the road together...no matter what. Easy said that done! Be kind to yourself...the only adivce I can really offer is to keep talking...yelling...screaming...crying....whatever you need to do...you don't owe anyone any favours...you're entilted to express it all. Wishing you all the love and comfort in the world...and I will keep hoping for your miracle...just get through today hun..tomorrow could be the new beginning you've been waiting for. Exxx

[briggsy's girl]

doesnt the old saying go " if you love someone enough, set them free"?

the full quote is

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.

the truth is, you've given your other half the opportunity to get out - and hun, he doesn't want out. emotionally, you HAVE set him free, he's stayed so he isn't there for the child you may one day have together, he is there because he loves you and wants to be with YOU!

i have lived this guilt for a long time. i tried to not get involved with my DH at the start of our relationship - i was aware i had something wrong that would make a family difficult, i'd heard how great he was with kids, i'd seen it for myself - and i didn't want to be the person to ruin that dream for him. i pushed him away, i told him to leave and find someone he could have a family with. and he refused (stubborn git!) - he kept telling me, it wasn't a child he wanted - he wanted me - and a child was a bonus if and when it happened. Every angel baby made me feel worse - i was bringing us closer to this dream, but my body kept letting it go, and i felt guilty. i pushed so hard to make him leave and find happiness elsewhere, and he just wouldn't let me go

it's understandable that you're feeling pain and guilt - you've recently had a miracle baby stolen from you, so your heart is breaking. you know that he's feeling the same, and you feel responsible - but you're NOT. some things in life just cant be blamed on anyone. Infertility sucks in ways so many can't imagine - and when it's one partner, it makes sense that you blame yourself (i do), but it's not something you can help, not something you can fix, and as my DH kept telling me - it's a journey you walk together

look at it from the other side of the fence - if your DH had male factor issues, would you want to walk away? would you blame him, make him feel guilty, and leave him because it took more work to create a child together? or would you support him, go through all you need to, to create the family unit (whether that is two or three or eight of you). DH and I talked at length and realised that we'd be ok being just "us", and any child was always going to be a blessing and a bonus - something we'd love to have, but not something we needed to have to fulfill our lives

take care hun

BG

[mummy2chloe]

Thanks so much everyone for your replies,

i feel so much better after reading what you have all said, dp and i have had a huge talk and he has made me feel alot better about everything. i feel so lucky and blessed to have him and i feel very lucky and blessed to have this site

thanks again for the support, has helped so much