How do you cope with calling it a day?

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

Professor and I have officially decided to stop trying. We're even using birth control now, and he's looking into a more permanent solution.

I totally get and agree with the reasoning, and I was the one who brought it up. But....how do you go from being LTTTC to nothing? How do you switch your whole focus?

A lot of days, I'm fine with it. Some days it aches so much I can taste it. Will there ever be a time it doesn't sting, or will it just get less stingy over time?

[TeniBear]

That must have been a tough decision to make

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

Yes and no. Knowing I'll definitely never have another miscarriage? Freaking brilliant. Knowing I'll only get cuddles from babies I can't take home with me? Not so brilliant, but not always stabby.

Taking my own sanity into account made it easier though. I'm only now getting out of the breakdown, which was triggered by the LTTTC. Having a baby isn't worth losing my sanity, and not fair on the baby. Very logical when I look at it that way *sad smile*

[Trillian]

Just hugs that would have been a huge thing to decide.

[TeniBear]

If you like, I can ask my cousin what helped her come to terms with the decision? I'm fairly certain she's stopped after at least 10 years of trying, possibly more

[Aussiegirl777]

Keike - I've followed your journey for such a long time. I couldn't read this and not come in and offer you a hug. Not being in your position I feel I can't offer any words but I'm aching with you after reading your post.

[PumpkinZulu]

Whenever you get in one of those moods where you think you're weak, come in here and read your posts. You're such a strong person Keiks

[Khaleesi]

I don't have any advice either but i wanted to offer you a

[~TT40~]

*massive hugs*. no real advice as we havent had to make that decision. it must be a huge relief having made it.

[briggsy's girl]

Will there ever be a time it doesn't sting, or will it just get less stingy over time?

I think you'll find that, for the forseeable future, you should aim for "less stingy" - obviously our paths are different, but we are facing a similar situation, and are discussing permanent solutions so that, like you, no more fear of miscarriage, no more 'am i? aren't i?' stuff. Even though we have E, it still hurts, and sometimes a hell of a lot more than others. i think it comes with the territory of being a long termer - you sort of exist in this head space for so long, where, even though other stuff is happening in your life, your focus is almost always on this end game. and when it's not there, it's like you have to learn to live as you again. not as a person trying to get pregnant, but as you, a strong and wonderful person.

It's never easy to have such a big dream and to let it go. you will grieve - you have to let yourself grieve. you have to grieve the life you thought you'd have, the one that you won't - if you don't, you'll never be able to embrace the life you are going to have. and that life can, and will, be amazing and fulfilling - it will just be different to what you thought it was going to be. you will have bad days, days where your longing for a child are just crazy bad - but they will become fewer and much further apart. and honestly, over the past 12 months or so, i think you've already started this process from what i've seen of you online. you will hopefully hit a point where it's crazy bad moments instead of days, and then those moments become twinges instead of crazy bad hurts. on those bad days/moments, it's ok to hide away, to lick your wounds, to put yourself back together - and when you're feeling ok, get all the bubba snuggles you want/need. it might take a while, but i think you'll get there, and probably sooner than you think - because you have made the decision, it's not been forced upon you, kwim? i know i'm coping better with the idea of no more because i thought it through and came to a logical decision rather than going through it all and realising it wasn't going to happen and having no choice... hope that makes sense!

you are an amazing woman Keike, you will do amazing things. your life may not be taking the turns you planned, but you will make the most of your decision and you will still have a totally awesome and fulfilling life - i know you will. and those kidlets in your life that you love so much, both now (with your gorgeous nephews) and in the future, will be blessed to have you there!

love to you
BG

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

Oh dude, I kinda forgot that this section can be seen by all members - I'm not embarrassed or anything, but you ladies popping in and giving hugs is making me all teary and fuzzy

BG, you're right. To be honest, I think I've been stealthily moving on for a while now, but haven't wanted to admit it to myself. Removing the possibility of another pregnancy is both scary and a huge relief, it's like I'm giving myself permission to not try anymore, not on this topic. I can focus on other stuff and not worry about timelines and finances and blah blah blah. I think LTTTC forced the grief out and raw for so long, that it's nice to be able to push it to the bottom, just for a while, y'know?

[forshelby]

I don't have the right advice having not been in this position. But much love to you honey, I've followed your journey for a long time now, and I feel some of that sting for you right now.

Well done for making a decision and for being so brave.

[Jaycee]

Just another popping in to offer you a

You are amazingly strong and I wish you all the very best

[juniper76]

I don't have an answer and have the same issue more than likely looming in our (not so distant) future. I just wanted to offer you hug and wish you well in your new life. You clearly have the strength to build something wonderful from this sad beginning.