I smile on the outside and say its ok because we can foster (permanent foster) but really walking into the office of my doc brings tears to my eyes everytime. Hearing of new pregnancies is heartbreaking and although I try to remember how lucky I am to have my girl when you have this idea of how your life will be for so long its gut wrenching when it doesnt quite turn out that way.

I am not worried about my Lap coming up, I was back at work on the third day after the surgery, I am worried if it does nothing to help how bad I will feel then.

Our hopes of fostering are temporarily shattered as well. A year and a half ago I was diagnosed with a Panic Disorder and although I am off my tablets and doing great it is all a bit raw for them, they wont let us foster because we are trying for babies and even if we werent we cant do it because we wont have dealt with our infertility issues.

Its so hard to watch DD around other kids, particularly babies, she is so gorgeous with them. She walked up to me not long ago and said Í want sister mummy"

The constant nagging, when are you gonna have another one doesnt help.

My cousin did IVF for 3 years, before sadly divorcing her husband (I wonder if that pressure is what did it ) and I guess never really took the time to understand how she must be feeling and now its my turn and its miserable and i really dont want to be miserable.

I say to DH that its easier to not go through all the drugs and surgeries because I dont want to be like that and I think maybe he accepted that because he hasnt shown too much an interest in what I do although he says he would like more kids he also says DD is enough. Really on the inside I dont know what to do I dont want to be constantly let down but I also so desperately want another child.

I have been lucky enough to not have any miscarriages, I think that would be the end of me because its what I am scared of most.

I wish I could say to my cousin that I understand now and had supported her better when she was going through it. I wish I could stop hiding my sadness and get the support I so need at the moment, but having people ask and having to answer is sometimes much worse that keeping it to yourself.

END VENT