Was just wondering if anyone had any 'handy home hints' on dealing with other people's pregnancies when you're LT TTC or after miscarriage (or both!?). It always seems like pregnant friends come flying in from everywhere whenever I have a dark moment or yet another BFN and they always want to invite us around share their joy. Of course I'm happy for these friends and family and really really do wish them the best, but just find that it brings to the surface all of those feelings simmering below. So, has anyone out there in BB land found any ways to stay sane around these women with their lovely growing bellies?
Thanks!
Talk about it. Whether it's to your partner, or a friend, or even the belly in concern. There should be no need to hide how hard this is. I found it really helpful when I had to work in close contact with someone who had an unplanned pregnancy to tell her straight "I really can't handle hearing these details from you." She was mostly understanding, but I guess she forgot sometimes.
I know that more than once, I really wasn't all that strong. I had a collapse and cry under my desk once, I said something really nasty once, I failed to congratulate someone once, and I have ditched one entire friendship over it, for no other reason than that I couldn't handle it.
Now, I'm the belly on the other end. I'm always aware of it, I try to give friends an opt-out, and I'm always blown away at just how these amazing friends still manage to be there and support me, because I remember how hard it was.
I don't know if there's actually any advice in there at all. Sorry. I guess I'd want to say that it's OK to hide, if that's what you feel you need to do. If your friends can't understand that (and I hate to sound like your nan here) then they're not really your friends, are they?
I'm interested in this from the other point of view. I am finally catching up with my closest friend on Friday after she miscarried some time ago. I have tried to keep out of her way, being 6 months pregnant myself, but certainly don't want our friendship to lapse. I plan on avoiding the pregnancy convo unless she raises it, and attempting to reduce the appearance in size of the growing bump (difficult). I am thankful that she told me straight up earlier on that she wasn't prepared to do much socialising when I talked with her. I am just assuming my pregnancy is going to be an issue for her (I would feel the same on the other side). Particularly as our babies would have been close in age. I am very much grieving for the loss of her baby too.
Sorry - enough about me, suffice to say that I am interested how people respond.... thanks
Thanks Audax - you're right, I should talk about it I guess. I think I haven't so far because I don't want to be the woman with issues (which I clearly AM) and because I haven't wanted to put the preggy ones in an awkward position where they feel they can't talk about their pregnancies. BUT, this obviously isn't working for me, is it! Come to think about it, my miscarriages and IVF are probably like the elephant in the room that no-one wants to acknowledge. Having the guts to bring it up and keep dry eyes while talking about it to a glowingly pregnant woman will be a bit of a test (wish me luck!).
*star* good luck with your friend. What advice could I give???? If you can, try not to talk about the bad side of being pregnant - some people think this will help cheer "us" up, when really we're dying to have pregnancy aches, pains and weak bladders! There's no advice you can give or words you can say to make things better so just acknowledge that it sucks. Hope that is of some help
Take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute if you have to. I know how you feel about not wanting to make others feel like they can't enjoy being pregnant around you. I've found that when my friends start talking about it, if I'm the only one there (as in, not a group situation), I'll just straight out tell them, 'I'm sorry, I just can't cope with this conversation at the moment. You know I love you, but it's a bad day for me. I'd love to talk to you about it later, when I can get excited with you'.
Another thing I've found that helps me is to actually tell your friends and family what you're going through. Inject it into normal conversation, and it will become normal conversation. Then people are aware that this may be a sensitive time for you, and they'll probably ask if you're ready before launching into baby/pregnancy talk. I have the most awesome group of real life girlfriends who have just made it part of our 'reality'. As far as they're concerned, they all have their kids, I'm just waiting on mine. Whenever I get those days where its all so hard and everythings on top of me, and I've gotten another BFN or had yet another miscarriage, they're the ones who sit there with me, and say, 'You know what? You're closer than you were before. It's gonna happen, you KNOW it's gonna happen!' There's always flamin' one of them pregnant, but they make sure to include me as much as I include them. One of the girls told me the other day that the day I get to have a baby shower is gonna be the coolest day, and they're all gonna bring boxes and boxes of tissues for the party
Find your group of women hun, the ones that understand what you're going through even if they haven't experienced it, the ones who don't need an explanation when you wanna come over just to hug their kids - they'll do wonders for you
I had three unplanned pregnancies announced within two days of the BT day for three of my back to back FET's at the beginning of this year (all ended with BFN's) - it's can be very hard, but like everyone has said, let your friends know and they will do their best to be understanding. I tried to remember that the world didn't revolve around me (although it damn well should have!) and that my friends and family deserved to be happy too, but by taking myself out of situations that were hard, I avoided making them the scapegoats for my anger at not being pregnant (I hope this makes sense, it just seemed like it would be really easy for me to blame them for the fact I couldn't fall pregnant and had to spend thousands even trying, but they could get pregnant without even thinking about it).
I wish you every success, but most importantly the strength to know that your friends would NEVER want you to be unhappy around them and if you talk to them, they will be able to help you
kaybee - like many of the other ladies have said, come into BB and vent, rant, share and read about others' experiences, to deal as well as you can with your own experiences.
I found it terribly hard with friends getting pregnant left right and centre around me when we were TTC in secret ... we even had one interstate friend ask if she could stay with us for a week, and it turned out she was in Melbourne to have an abortion, of a pg which had been planned, but she'd changed her mid about ...
And then one of my best friends got pg accidentally (the baby was very welcome - just a surprise!!) and we told her and her DH we had been TTC for a while, so they could be sensitive to us, while our journeys were in such different places ... unfortunately, her idea of being a good and sensitive friend to me was to call me up and at great length explain all the ups and downs of her pregnancy journey, so I could "share" it with her, even if I wasn't able to be experiencing it myself at that time ...
I know she was trying to help, but the twice+ weekly 45 minute phonecalls were too much for me, and I started not answering her calls, or working back late to avoid them ...
And she would call me frequently for advice about different pregnancy things (I'm a major reader and researcher, so if she wasn't sure about whether baths or lavender oil or loud music was ok for the baby, she'd call and ask me) so that I would feel good about helping her baby, etc ...
Again, she really was trying to do the best thing by me, but it was just eating me up inside, and was so difficult! It was so hard not to become resentful or jealous or bitter ... I was glad that all these people around me were pregnant and happy but I so very much wanted to be, too!
But as for my two cents of advice ... I don't know what your beliefs are, but I found it really helpful to pray together with my DH and ask God to help me ... He says for us to bring all our burdens to Him, because he loves us, and I certainly brought all of mine! With buckets full of runny nosed tears, and a lot of frustration and questions ...
Otherwise, all I can suggest is that if you're public about your TTC conceive journey, I'd just say to your loved ones, "I'm so happy for you, but please understand that it's hard for me to hear the details." or something like that, pointing out that you're really glad for them, but that sharing the experience might be too painful at the moment.
I know that now that I have been able to have a baby, I feel a little on eggshells around friends who are LTTTC or have suffered loss. But the ones I'm closest to, I've chosen a good time (ie: in private, and not when there are babies around) and I've just asked them how best I can be sensitive ... and I've had really different responses, which I try to abide by.
And if you're keeping it under wraps at the moment, it's a lot harder, because there's no polite way of saying that you're not wanting to listen to them talk about their pg or their baby, without letting them know why ... but please come on over to BB and let it out, rather than bottling it up inside.
sorry this is such a difficult time for you. I was prob in a different palce to you as we already had DS1 before our LTTTC issues. But what helped us was that we were very open about our treatment so our burden was shared.
I had 11 friends who were pregnant round about the time of my miscarriage. How did I cope? When at a BBQ party one night where three of them were there rubbing their bellies, I got horribly drunk, spent most of the night crying and throwing up in the bathroom and got shimmied out the back door by my knight in shining armour DH. Not really coping hey?
Talking was the best therapy for me. And coming and ranting on BB. I saw a psychologist a couple of times which was really helpful too - helped me process my anxieties about lots of things and helped me with more effective coping strategies than getting drunk!
I also didn't avoid those friends. I was open and honest with *some* of them about how I was feeling and they mostly tried to see where I was coming from. It is hard when you hear pregnant people whinging though and I just went to my happy place when I head the grumbles and gripes. This is one of the reasons that we lost our best friends in the whole process, she was pregnant and felt it appropriate to whinge to me how awful things were for her.
Thank you so much for all of your advice and for openly telling your personal stories and coping strategies.
Peanutter - I can't believe your friend's way of helping you! It's lovely for her that she will never know just how insensitive she was.
Mummasue - I'm sorry you lost your best friend as well. It's another crazy way people try to be helpful - whinging about being pregnant (what I wouldn't give to have morning sickness right now!). It's nowhere near on the same scale, but I liken it to complaining about growing old to someone who is dying.
Saph - I also have been very very blessed to have a DS and do feel very guilty in here all the time. He was ivf after LTTTC but I still feel bad complaining to others who are TTC #1.
Other People's Pregnancies
Reply With Quote
There's no advice you can give or words you can say to make things better so just acknowledge that it sucks. Hope that is of some help
Bookmarks